Fitness Shmitness

A Frame of Reference

Before I continue, (This post is so long already!) I’d just like to compliment our chickens for becoming vegetarians!  It shows what a high level of commitment, and fine example, our chickens have shown other chickens, worldwide…  Our chickens are courageous, now living on a free range, just the same way we used to bum around communes, I’m just glad I have the opportunity to present you with this malarkey, and have you swallow it: ‘Bone free!  As free as the wind blows!  As free as my toes knows…  Bone free!’

Just as a frame of reference, if our chickens can be this committed to a healthy life-style, then so can you!  Once we reach 50, our health becomes almost as important to us all, as is gambling, theft, and sapping the life-blood from our neighbors…  Not only are we committed to losing fat today, but finding it again tomorrow, as it migrates to another part of our bodies!  Join me now, as we take a trip down: ‘Bulbous Lane’, and find a way to keep from blotting out the sun!

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After just 6 weeks of regular exercise, and only one celery stick, you too can lose as much weight as the woman pictured above!  Notice the complete absence of fat, as well as one arm that looks too large from saluting people, as she commits to running 700 miles per hour, for just 15 seconds a week!  She says,  and I quote: ‘It’s all the time I can spare, so I have to make the most of it!’  What a fine physique you could have, if you’d only take this as seriously as a walking cadaver…  See?  This woman is so thin, she doesn’t even have a shadow!

Avoid Poor Choices

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Contrary to popular belief, running away, and joining The Circus won’t necessarily set you free…  These three thought ‘Hippo Suction’ wood bee an easy solution to shedding unwanted fatty deposits, only to gain the weight back again, because of their unhealthy life-style, trying to be noticed under ‘The Big Top!’  As you can see, harming it up, is not the answer to losing weight…

Begin With A Healthy Diet

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Don’t be fooled into believing that if not eating makes your body produce fat cells, then eating more will make you thinner.  As pictured above, a well-balanced diet is the key to a healthier you.  Listen to the wise advice of your parents, and eat everything off your plate, including the tin foil…

Exercise Regularly

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I actually bought my first pair of professional running shoes, designed to make you run faster for no apparent reason, from The Running Room!  I got sucked into paying a lot for them too!  Now you may or may not believe that running in a grueling marathon under the blistering, hot, sun, is a good idea for loosing weight…  But after throwing your guts up, and ending up rejecting Hospital food for three weeks, then yes!  You will lose weight!

Take Dietary Supplements

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As miraculous as this sounds, I saw this one girl snort this strange, white, powder, and she lost 57 pounds in one week!  I think she just primarily forgot to eat real food, and took to gnawing on furniture instead.  There are all kinds of ways to lose weight.  Follow my advice, and you won’t learn any of them!  Yes, too much of a good thing isn’t the answer either!

I say: Fitness Shmitness!  What’s so bad about gorging yourself constantly anyway?  Do Supermarkets have to close when you leave?  Are you: ‘One giant leap for Mankind!’ all by yourself?  Well take heart now, and swallow this CRAP!  Subcutaneous fat is beautiful!  ‘There’s just more there to love!’ 

Why lose weight when you can just hunt down another phat person?  At least you’ll look thin to each other.  Isn’t love still love no matter if it shifts the Earth out of orbit or not?  Even so, it’s more important just to have a good day…  So the next time another Elephant says she has a crush on you, she may really mean it!  And after all, isn’t love a kind of ‘Fitness Shmitness’ too?

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My Sci-Fi High

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I know I’ve seemed a little distant of late…  In fact, I often wander to a place that looks completely unfamiliar, just to get away from it all!  Sometimes I’ll even put a ‘WARNING: Radioactive’ sign on my front door, lock myself in the bathroom, and curl up in the sink!  The problem is being able to unfurl!

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It’s just that lately, I’ve developed halitosis, and a terrible skin rash, so I’d rather keep to myself…  Yes age has taken its tole on me! I think I’m losing weight in my face! One good thing though.  I still get horny on Humpday!

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I sometimes find myself with the odd, fully armed Insurance Agent…  Other than that, I still have my ruins to be comfortable in.  Have to learn to curb that temper of mine!  As you can see, my body is becoming spotty and my nails are getting long.  There comes a time when one must consider their own mortality…

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So I wrote out my: ‘Last Will and Anthrax’…  Now,  I know what you’re going to say: ‘You Twit!  You don’t have to consider that for at least another 3 months!’  I know what I’m doing!  OK…  Maybe that’s disputable in a Court of Law!  But here in my Den, I must go by the law of my evil twin…

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I know some of you think of me as a bit of a snake at times…  That’s not true!  This picture was taken 30 years ago!  Anyway, thanks for being my: ‘Internet friends!’  I truly depreciate everything you’ve done for me!  Until our next venerable meeting…  Toodle Ewww…

We’ll be Right Back after this Brief Message!

Analyzing a Commercial

I don’t understand!  It’s like, you get 2 minutes of programming, and 5 minutes of commercial.  Is anyone even manning the station?  Or is it just on one continuous loop?  And we, are the Suckers, (a synonym for: ‘audience.’  I know of one Lypozine commercial where Bob wants to lose weight but doesn’t know how…  Then Bob must be an Idiot because he’s too stupid to ask questions.  And we are Suckers because if we’ll buy that, we’ll buy anything!  We don’t stop to ask ourselves why they must spend $100,000 to advertise their product during prime time.  It’s because they can’t get anybody to buy it any other way.  Dah!  And it must work, or why would anyone advertise anything?

The trouble is, what we buy, pretty much determines whether we want a good deal, or will pretty much buy a cheap, Hooker for a saw buck!  See, how I would work it is, I’d have one channel with a big list of commercials on it.  And if you’d like to watch a commercial, you just choose it from the list. 

Else wise, I can’t remember when the last time was, that I wanted anything they had to sell on TV.  It’s all either about getting rid of pimples, or buying a car: the two very things I should be wise enough by now, not to worry about!  Whenever a commercial comes on, I automatically channel hop to an all movie network, and preview them for 5 minutes…  Soon you’ll be able to print whatever you want anyway.  I wonder if that means we could be seeing the death throes of: ‘The Boob Tube Generation?’  I mean, even the programing sucks now!  Now it’s all about watching somebody else at work, or crime, violence, and sex shows like: ‘Criminal Minds, Miami CSI’….  Too many Hero criminal aprehender shows…

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Most of what’s in Supermarkets, is made of corn…  What do we care?  As long as it’s ‘Gooood!’

Monstrous Fitness Tips for 2015

Harping

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Actually, I’m not harping on you, in my case, I’m guitaring…  Truly, there’s no such word.  But if one can harp, it should be passed into law that one can guitar in response!  Fitness is a serious endeavor.  You only do what you talk about: it’s the people that call other people thieves and liars, that are thieves and liars themselves!  I am a health nut.  So that’s what I talk about.  Well, I do know other subjects: squirrels are fascinating!  You know?

Why I always harp on you about it is: ‘Tay-Koe-Nos-Koe’,  ( I know you mosquito! )  I love Spanish because it’s such an expressive language: very picturesque and romantic, with all it’s picturesque connotations and penetrations…  I’m wandering off topic.  Look!  Here’s human nature:  A person tells you they’ll do a thing and they probably won’t because they get to busy with other things and just forget.  But when a person says they won’t do a thing, it’s because they’re indignant about it.  That, they’ll remember!  So then they plague themselves with guilt (it’s a Catholic thing they spread like cancer), and end up doing the thing for you they said they wouldn’t do…  Backwards…

My point is this.  In spite of all our best intentions, we put things off.  We procrastinate.  It’s so ramped, it’s a national pass-time.  Never do today, what you can put off until tomorrow…  So I keep encouraging you to exercise because I know your life is at stake and we do love living very much indeed!  People do drugs which has been known to make them lazy.  They rationalize which makes them cut corners.  They misconceive which makes them think house-work is exercise.  There was a time I thought belching and farting was strenuous!  So I’m on you like a fly on a wall, only for your encouragement and well being.  That being said, let’s move on to the good stuff.  Shall we?  I really don’t know, because you never talk to me, so I have to guess what person is thinking what, and try to cover everybody.  I think that went well.  Don’t you?

Muscle and bone loss

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Once we pass 30, which flies up on you like a damaged Cessna, we begin to loose muscle and bone density.  And the old adage: ‘What you don’t use, you loose!’,  still stands after eons of mega-loss! Now if you’re past 50, you’ve lost so much muscle mass, that you’ll never carry a six pack unless it’s marked: ‘Coors Lite…’  If you’re younger than that, and you lift weights regularly, you’ll have women lapping water from your cat’s dish, just to be near you!

There’s this gorgeous girl of female persuasion, that visits Leslie nearly every single day.  She flirts with me, and she’s only 22!  I’m 62, and people say that I don’t look a day over 61 and a half. LOL!  She drools over the healthy soups I make, and has her own pup tent in my kitchen!  She worships the ground I walk on, and throws buckets of holy water at me because she knows I’m good for her.  So it rubs off.  I may not be a national hero just yet, but I am hers!

Tips for the weak and decrepit

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Now this guy is either in, or approaching his 60’s.  You’d be hard pressed to Tango with him because of his strength and stamina, and his connections to a Mafia King-pin.  His youthful exuberance and penetration, is the one thing nobody can take away from him unless they own a bazooka!  Don’t you want to remain horny?

You can also see that he’s still alert enough to do calculus and his fingers, and only wears glasses so he can see his nose! Someone left a frozen swimming pool in the background, with some guy there hoping to open but one more Mc. Donald’s Franchise…  Your youth is a treasure far beyond any financial gain.  Don’t throw it all away for a cheeseburger!  Throw it all away for Carmel Pecan ice-cream Yogurt!  That stuff is so good, I once ate a whole 2 quart tube of it, and turned into a human snot ball for over 3 hours!  It was dreadfully delightful at the time, but hardly worth it to me…  

So diet is all important to maintain that physique you work so hard for.  Replace all that meat with fruits and vegetables which actually taste better and have way less calories, are filling enough that you don’t feel like you have to continually eat all day, and has fiber to help keep you more regular, rather than large…  Why you could eat 2 onion, cucumber, and tomato sandwiches with half fat mayo on twelve grain (delicious) and only gain maybe 10 onces, removed by a glass of ice-water…   Hows that for weight control?

Happiness involves commitment

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Here’s a terrific blog via this guy in the picture with a really amazing article, pushing reasons for weight lifting:

https://dailyfitcoach.wordpress.com/2013/01/18/6-reasons-you-should-be-pumping-iron/

A bad back work-around for the tummy

Anyone with a bad back will tell you that sit ups are impossible for them.  I should know, I haven’t sat up in decades!  I have a real cool work-around for this that involves a bath-tub full of water, before you do your deep breathing exercises.  Bath salts are good to draw toxins from your skin, but to force crap out of your body, you can lie back and roll your tummy around 15 times a shot while you hold your breath and push down.  At first, you can hardly feel your stomach muscles moving at all.  After a little practice, you can really strengthen up your stomach muscles and easily flush out your colon daily.  I do 90 every 2 days, in 6 sessions, which takes all of 3 minutes.  

Then do 3 minutes of deep breathing exercises:  Fill your lungs with as much air as you can, hold it for 3 seconds, saying to yourself: ‘In with the good air’, then blow it all out with a flat tummy for 5 seconds saying: ‘Out with the bad!’  I don’t know why, but it works.  You’ll actually feel your lung capacity improve!  This makes for longer runs, and more stamina for your heart.  BTW, while you’re running, you’re not aging!  No one says you’re going to look like this:

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But you will get more oxygen to your brain and possibly raise your I.Q.  Also, lay on the floor for about five minutes afterwards, with your legs tucked up under your butt to prevent leakage, and let gravity and your own weight push against your spine.  You may even get a bone or two crack back into place.  A case in point: gravity removes the bags under your eyes if you sleep on your back ( The Royal Position )…  Butt I have a better idea…

Food for your face

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That’s right!  A couple of cucumber slices over your eyes for just 5 minutes every second day, adds collagen to your skin ( the stuff you get in expensive skin creams ) worth less than a cent!  I do it after my bath while I’m laying on the floor: ( I let people walk all over me! )…  Afterwards, I rub them all over my face, throat and hands.  This girl has been mistakenly sold some fake cucumbers, but as long as she’s happy, why tell her?

Well that’s it for my monstrous forking fitness tips…  I’m sure you’re all going to rush right out and run to Buffalo:  more like run ‘like’ a Buffalo.  Always remember though.  It’s your body, and you’ll only get out of it what you put into it.  Have a nice day, and go fork yourselves!

Running in The Winter

Two women run down Mountain Avenue in a snowstorm.

Gearing Up

The first thing you have to remember is to get dressed!  Why is it that the best pictures are always inevitably of women?  It always gives me the feeling that men don’t exist!  This all looks fine and prissy and all that, yet there’s something missing from this photo if you run in Canada: clothes!  Here, you usually have several feet of snow, so you can just replace the sneakers with heavy boots, and 65 pound gloves!  And running in jackets like that up here, will find you both frozen in a dashing position, cuz the answer my friend, is blowing in the wind, so add the weight of a heavy coat with a hood. Replace the super hero leotards with long johns and jeans, and you’re carrying around a lot of extra weight threw heavy snow!

I arrive home with the back of my legs in excruciating pain!  No bout I doubt it, winter running is exhausting!  So…  I have a few tricks left up my long sleeved shirt and sweater that may just help to take the chicken out of you that also resides in me. Yes, I too look out my door and wonder if I should just take my suicide pill and go for a nap…

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Wait for The Snow-Plow

In the summer, I try to get out before 8 am. because I like the smell of early morning dew on my nose! In the winter, I wait until at least 9:30 am. to give the snow plows a chance to at least clear some of the way for me.  Why?  It’s because here I was running at top speed, yet still staying in one place, when I chanced to glance across the street and seen that the snow-plow had been through and cleared a path.  So I crawled across the road and felt such a relief to surpass the speed of dark, one mile a month!  Much easier than sucking your boots out of the snow!

10 Reasons to Loose Weight

  • Gain enough weight, gravity will take over, and moons will start to orbit you!
  • The Good-Year blimp lands beside you, and nobody can tell the difference…
  • There’s not enough wind for the sail on your boat, so someone suggests using your pants.
  • Pi r NOT squared…  Pi r round!
  • The moment you step out of your first floor apartment, it now becomes the second floor apartment!
  • Your garbage weighs more than you do!
  • You can run…  But only 5 feet…
  • You get on a jumbo jet, and the silly thing can’t get off the ground!
  • You get invited to a community dinner, and find out you’re on the menu!
  • Nobody knows exactly what you weigh, because weighing scales don’t go up that high.