My Big Fat Award

_0008_Achievement_3_Years

Hi;  I’m not here, not to thank WordPress, for an award I didn’t receive, for not being here for three years now!  Yay…  I’d also not like to thank the 40 million people on WordPress that don’t know I’m not here, nor could they give a rat’s ass, which neither do I.  Thanks for nothing!  As you can’t see, I’ve been in a real big hurry not to present this from three days ago…

My six loyal fans will tell you that it’s been a real trick for me to have them show up all at the same time, to laugh at my tripe.  Apparently, some people who’ve received no likes at all, have been jealous of my good fortune, spending less and less time here over the last three or four months:  I don’t care which.  I can’t tell you what this means to me.  There are children present!

So go away, don’t bug me, and I won’t even notice that nobody was ever here in the first place.  Feather more, I’d like not to acknowledge that Google doesn’t know I’m here either.  And Frankly, I Shirley am not insulted by what little intelligence I have left.  So, in closing, it has certainly been the thrill of a lifetime talking to myself!

Advertisements

Fitness Shmitness

A Frame of Reference

Before I continue, (This post is so long already!) I’d just like to compliment our chickens for becoming vegetarians!  It shows what a high level of commitment, and fine example, our chickens have shown other chickens, worldwide…  Our chickens are courageous, now living on a free range, just the same way we used to bum around communes, I’m just glad I have the opportunity to present you with this malarkey, and have you swallow it: ‘Bone free!  As free as the wind blows!  As free as my toes knows…  Bone free!’

Just as a frame of reference, if our chickens can be this committed to a healthy life-style, then so can you!  Once we reach 50, our health becomes almost as important to us all, as is gambling, theft, and sapping the life-blood from our neighbors…  Not only are we committed to losing fat today, but finding it again tomorrow, as it migrates to another part of our bodies!  Join me now, as we take a trip down: ‘Bulbous Lane’, and find a way to keep from blotting out the sun!

_0008_A_Skiiny_Woman

After just 6 weeks of regular exercise, and only one celery stick, you too can lose as much weight as the woman pictured above!  Notice the complete absence of fat, as well as one arm that looks too large from saluting people, as she commits to running 700 miles per hour, for just 15 seconds a week!  She says,  and I quote: ‘It’s all the time I can spare, so I have to make the most of it!’  What a fine physique you could have, if you’d only take this as seriously as a walking cadaver…  See?  This woman is so thin, she doesn’t even have a shadow!

Avoid Poor Choices

_0008_Hippos

Contrary to popular belief, running away, and joining The Circus won’t necessarily set you free…  These three thought ‘Hippo Suction’ wood bee an easy solution to shedding unwanted fatty deposits, only to gain the weight back again, because of their unhealthy life-style, trying to be noticed under ‘The Big Top!’  As you can see, harming it up, is not the answer to losing weight…

Begin With A Healthy Diet

_0008_Big_Burger

Don’t be fooled into believing that if not eating makes your body produce fat cells, then eating more will make you thinner.  As pictured above, a well-balanced diet is the key to a healthier you.  Listen to the wise advice of your parents, and eat everything off your plate, including the tin foil…

Exercise Regularly

_0008_Fitness

I actually bought my first pair of professional running shoes, designed to make you run faster for no apparent reason, from The Running Room!  I got sucked into paying a lot for them too!  Now you may or may not believe that running in a grueling marathon under the blistering, hot, sun, is a good idea for loosing weight…  But after throwing your guts up, and ending up rejecting Hospital food for three weeks, then yes!  You will lose weight!

Take Dietary Supplements

_0008_Cocaine

As miraculous as this sounds, I saw this one girl snort this strange, white, powder, and she lost 57 pounds in one week!  I think she just primarily forgot to eat real food, and took to gnawing on furniture instead.  There are all kinds of ways to lose weight.  Follow my advice, and you won’t learn any of them!  Yes, too much of a good thing isn’t the answer either!

I say: Fitness Shmitness!  What’s so bad about gorging yourself constantly anyway?  Do Supermarkets have to close when you leave?  Are you: ‘One giant leap for Mankind!’ all by yourself?  Well take heart now, and swallow this CRAP!  Subcutaneous fat is beautiful!  ‘There’s just more there to love!’ 

Why lose weight when you can just hunt down another phat person?  At least you’ll look thin to each other.  Isn’t love still love no matter if it shifts the Earth out of orbit or not?  Even so, it’s more important just to have a good day…  So the next time another Elephant says she has a crush on you, she may really mean it!  And after all, isn’t love a kind of ‘Fitness Shmitness’ too?

_0008_Elephants _In_ Love

The Silent Call

Standing in the freezing rain;

He calls up to us once again!

Will you not relieve my pain?

The silent call awaits us!

 

Frozen hearts that beat on high;

Oblivious to any cry!

Keep time to those who walk on by;

The silent call awaits us!

 

Torn coats of shattered dreams;

Frozen in the wind it seems!

Cries that dissipate sunlit beams;

The silent call awaits us!

 

Can your passion not be sold;

For the price of ice and cold?

As the wind steals away what’s told;

The silent call awaits us!

 

And yet we see there’s no one there;

Or could it be we just don’t care?

Our emptiness, a frigid stare;

The silent call awaits us!

Life as we know it

Inside of me, a hollow shell;

The place in which I live and dwell!

I wish I understood you well;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

A battered case of shattered glass;

The hurried pace of all who pass!

Sometimes in my face, one complete ass;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

A shameful, stupid, waste of time;

A million dreams long past their prime!

I can’t even care my life is a crime;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

People wave like ghosts a far;

Quite invisible to me as they are!

The loneliness of a cold, and distant star;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

If I were me, I’d have nothing to do with myself;

I’d pack up my uselessness, and stack it on some forgotten shelf!

I look like what’s left over from the disappearance of an elf;

The rest of me is sexy!

A Stitch in Time

Oh that really bugs me!

Some sayings are so stupid, and meaningless!  For instance: ‘A stitch in time saves nine…’  Nine what?  chestnuts?  And you treat time like a garment of some mathematical kind!  And why do we need ten fingers?  Won’t one or two get you into enough trouble as it is?  Ga ahead, (New York for ‘Go ahead) hold your fingers up and wiggle all your fingers in front of you…  Don’t you get confused?  OK, I’m a little stoned.  Grrrrr!

Besides, I like saving time.  And when I tried to tell Leslie, she completely rejected the idea!  I told her how I never button or unbutton my shirts, but just treat them like pull-overs, and I save time that way.  She said it was a law to here to do up and undo her buttons, and that I should be ashamed of myself for rejecting a time-honored tradition, insisting the law is the law, and she can’t break it now…  Completely illogical, yet it seems normal to her.  So God DOES punish me!

Was it destiny, or just plain after-shock?

I suppose Leslie does have some kind of fruitless point, yet my concerns for her, are that if she can’t accept practical, yet simply innovative instructions, then I must conclude she is an illogical creature, while I continue to bang my head against a wall…  I now have access to my neighbour’s fridge!  LOL!  Those who cannot change will die!  OK, I admit I can’t stop eating Carmel pecan yogurt ice-cream.  But that’s different!  That’s a creamy and tasty way to go!

Multi-tasking is a good way to save a stitch in nature’s pink tu tu…  Whatever…  I can do the dishes, watch TV, and cut my finger off with a butcher knife!  OK, I’m slightly delusional…  Just yesterday I tried to open a tin of condensed pony milk, with a dull can-opener.  It didn’t quite do the job, so while I was trying to pull the lid off, it suddenly gave way, I cut my finger, and accidentally elbowed my fridge!  After that, as you can well imagine, I kicked the living cheeses out of my fridge while blood squirted everywhere: it looked just like a horrendous crime scene.  Now I had a sore foot to go along with my sore elbow and the minor problem that I was bleeding profusely.  My pinky really needed a couple of stitches, but I thought about all that bother faking death at the Hospital, just so they’ll take me first!  If not, perhaps 50 cents will persuade them!

So I poured some hydrogen peroxide over it, and wrapped in up in a roll of toilet paper, applying pressure until the bleeding stopped.  Then I wrapped like 10 band-aids over it.  Today, I’m all white, my heart has stopped beating, and I have this strange craving for blood, and to quickly find a coffin my size, that comes in burgundy, and must smell like men’s cologne!  I’m sure I’ve saved over 500 years, and I’m not even 63 ’til next month…  Hint:  I wanna Choo Choo train, a microscope and an all expenses paid trip The Caribbean.  I also want my Mummy!  I plan to model her in my livingroom.  Then I think shock treatments would save me some time.  Don’t you?  Sometimes I think I’m starving, and I can hardly close the refrigerator door…  OK, I’ll tell you about my home planet :O(

 

MG_2089.jpg

My Sci-Fi High

_0006_alienplanet

I know I’ve seemed a little distant of late…  In fact, I often wander to a place that looks completely unfamiliar, just to get away from it all!  Sometimes I’ll even put a ‘WARNING: Radioactive’ sign on my front door, lock myself in the bathroom, and curl up in the sink!  The problem is being able to unfurl!

_0006_a_firedragon

It’s just that lately, I’ve developed halitosis, and a terrible skin rash, so I’d rather keep to myself…  Yes age has taken its tole on me! I think I’m losing weight in my face! One good thing though.  I still get horny on Humpday!

_0006_a_dragonslayer

I sometimes find myself with the odd, fully armed Insurance Agent…  Other than that, I still have my ruins to be comfortable in.  Have to learn to curb that temper of mine!  As you can see, my body is becoming spotty and my nails are getting long.  There comes a time when one must consider their own mortality…

_0006_arcane

So I wrote out my: ‘Last Will and Anthrax’…  Now,  I know what you’re going to say: ‘You Twit!  You don’t have to consider that for at least another 3 months!’  I know what I’m doing!  OK…  Maybe that’s disputable in a Court of Law!  But here in my Den, I must go by the law of my evil twin…

_0006_snake-cobra

I know some of you think of me as a bit of a snake at times…  That’s not true!  This picture was taken 30 years ago!  Anyway, thanks for being my: ‘Internet friends!’  I truly depreciate everything you’ve done for me!  Until our next venerable meeting…  Toodle Ewww…

Anatomy of a Band

0153a

Introduction:

More than just: ‘Let’s do this…’

It can be a great illusion when people frefer to members of a band as: ‘Players’…  To say that we ‘play’ an instrument is an understatement.  Good Musicians let their instruments play with them!  Just look at what you can set up on an amp now-a-days, and you begin to get some idea of the different set ups and effects one can achieve.  This is my larger ‘Pevey’ amp.  It pumps out 30 watts (whats?).  Well it does some serious power amping, and can sound ranchy, normal, echo, time delay, and a host of other combinations.  This is definately an amp you find yourself fiddling with a lot!  So for one thing, you have to be a bit of a technician.  It does have a memory bank listed at the bottom of the picture above, as presets 1, 2, 3, and 4…  That way, you can easily flip to a sound you need.  To start to find a normal sound, you have to start by setting your ‘stompbox to: ‘Bypass’ so no effect is in fact in effect.  There’s a bypass on the ‘effects’ knob as well…

0165a

My Babies

Touch and Percision

I prefer greatly to play an electric guitar as apposed to an accustic one for a few reasons.  One of which is that the action (how close the strings are to the neck), is far better.  The strings are more flexible on an electric, and because of the many sounds and stumming techniques that just won’t work well with an accustic guitar.  Yet this is the least expensive of my worries.  It is an Epiphoine copy of a Les Paul, and cost me $700 three years ago.  His name is : ‘Edward’…

0267a

This is: ‘Clairabelle’  She’s been my girl for 22 years now.  She’ has great curves and comes onto me more often than not!  She is a special addition Martin.  Only 24 of these were made.  She uses up a lot of my energy, so I like to use her for soft songs of romance and murder…  This guitar, I bought in Detriot for $3500 American.  Sometimes we have sex when nobody’s lookin!

0264a

Singing can be exhausting!  Some songs are so fast, that you are literally tapped of breath by the time you finish them!  However, I seem to bewitch myself when I sing, which only adds to the flavor of my voice.  I’m greatly pleased how quiting smoking so greatly improved my depth and range!  As any real band member will tell you: playing music while you sing, is really a form of exercise.

0334a

Then There’s the Getting Along Part

Sometimes I just wanna rip their heads off

Above is a picture of Two Dogs and me…  Notice that he’s left handed so our guitars face in oposite directions.  Sometimes Two Dogs refuses to harmonize, or looses it or something.  So I like to call him: ‘Tone deaf…’  Sometimes he looses where he’s going on guitar as well, and it really pops my cork!

IMG_4741

Here is a picture of The Mad Man’s drums…  Sort of…  He does have a big set with lots of symbols, and sometimes a tamborine on the high hat.  Him I have to correct when he tries to tell use what amps to use.  Two Dogs Bass amp puts out 120 watts.  There’s no reason he needs to use my equipment.  So I tell him to go wait for a bus!  ‘Find an Out-house to sniff!’  Something…  If he starts shouting at me, I just smile and it makes him laugh.

0332a

Timing is Everything

No!  It’s 1, 2, 3, 4!

I would rather be out of tune and in time than the other way round.  If you aren’t ‘tight’ as a band, you may just as well pack up and go home.  There are six amps because we use two for mics…  Our dream is to get a real PA system and a Mixer. The Mad Man is apparently going to buy the PA system and have Two Dogs and me pay him back our share on a payment plan.  Boy!  Will he ever be mad when we tell him we only have a grand total of $1.27!

Here is a gallery of print sized jpgs., inluding these, in case you want to print anything or shink it to desktop size, sell them and make a small fortune.  I wouldn’t mind a few million bucks of my own ya know!  I’ll bet you every band’s favorite Beatle song is: ‘The One After 909′  LOL!  Apparently, the band: The Decrepits’ will have a new member soon.