Fitness Shmitness

A Frame of Reference

Before I continue, (This post is so long already!) I’d just like to compliment our chickens for becoming vegetarians!  It shows what a high level of commitment, and fine example, our chickens have shown other chickens, worldwide…  Our chickens are courageous, now living on a free range, just the same way we used to bum around communes, I’m just glad I have the opportunity to present you with this malarkey, and have you swallow it: ‘Bone free!  As free as the wind blows!  As free as my toes knows…  Bone free!’

Just as a frame of reference, if our chickens can be this committed to a healthy life-style, then so can you!  Once we reach 50, our health becomes almost as important to us all, as is gambling, theft, and sapping the life-blood from our neighbors…  Not only are we committed to losing fat today, but finding it again tomorrow, as it migrates to another part of our bodies!  Join me now, as we take a trip down: ‘Bulbous Lane’, and find a way to keep from blotting out the sun!

_0008_A_Skiiny_Woman

After just 6 weeks of regular exercise, and only one celery stick, you too can lose as much weight as the woman pictured above!  Notice the complete absence of fat, as well as one arm that looks too large from saluting people, as she commits to running 700 miles per hour, for just 15 seconds a week!  She says,  and I quote: ‘It’s all the time I can spare, so I have to make the most of it!’  What a fine physique you could have, if you’d only take this as seriously as a walking cadaver…  See?  This woman is so thin, she doesn’t even have a shadow!

Avoid Poor Choices

_0008_Hippos

Contrary to popular belief, running away, and joining The Circus won’t necessarily set you free…  These three thought ‘Hippo Suction’ wood bee an easy solution to shedding unwanted fatty deposits, only to gain the weight back again, because of their unhealthy life-style, trying to be noticed under ‘The Big Top!’  As you can see, harming it up, is not the answer to losing weight…

Begin With A Healthy Diet

_0008_Big_Burger

Don’t be fooled into believing that if not eating makes your body produce fat cells, then eating more will make you thinner.  As pictured above, a well-balanced diet is the key to a healthier you.  Listen to the wise advice of your parents, and eat everything off your plate, including the tin foil…

Exercise Regularly

_0008_Fitness

I actually bought my first pair of professional running shoes, designed to make you run faster for no apparent reason, from The Running Room!  I got sucked into paying a lot for them too!  Now you may or may not believe that running in a grueling marathon under the blistering, hot, sun, is a good idea for loosing weight…  But after throwing your guts up, and ending up rejecting Hospital food for three weeks, then yes!  You will lose weight!

Take Dietary Supplements

_0008_Cocaine

As miraculous as this sounds, I saw this one girl snort this strange, white, powder, and she lost 57 pounds in one week!  I think she just primarily forgot to eat real food, and took to gnawing on furniture instead.  There are all kinds of ways to lose weight.  Follow my advice, and you won’t learn any of them!  Yes, too much of a good thing isn’t the answer either!

I say: Fitness Shmitness!  What’s so bad about gorging yourself constantly anyway?  Do Supermarkets have to close when you leave?  Are you: ‘One giant leap for Mankind!’ all by yourself?  Well take heart now, and swallow this CRAP!  Subcutaneous fat is beautiful!  ‘There’s just more there to love!’ 

Why lose weight when you can just hunt down another phat person?  At least you’ll look thin to each other.  Isn’t love still love no matter if it shifts the Earth out of orbit or not?  Even so, it’s more important just to have a good day…  So the next time another Elephant says she has a crush on you, she may really mean it!  And after all, isn’t love a kind of ‘Fitness Shmitness’ too?

_0008_Elephants _In_ Love

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My 10 Things ‘To Do’ List

  • Getting up earlyI’m sure this is on everyone’s list, almost…  I find the adage: ‘Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man/woman, healthy, wealthy, and wise!’  I know!  It’s a bitch when you can’t get a Jimmy Hendrix tune out of your head until 3 O’clock in the morning…
  • Clean up the house I must admit that all the constantly occurring messes can sometimes get the better of me.  I find that if I start doing something, even though I don’t want to, once I get into it, I want to…
  • Finding something to do This is a tough on for a lot of people!  I’m not one of those people.  If I’m not on the computer, I’m running, lifting weights, doing house-work, going shopping or working at some construction job Bone Head digs up for us.  Plus, I do a lot of research and tend after Leslie because of her many aches and pains.  Having so many hobbies as I do helps!
  • Don’t back-slideI guess a ‘not to do’ can be classified as a ‘to do’ because you have to practice not doing it, so really, it must be a ‘to do’…  It’s so easy to rationalize your way through the day with phrases like: ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself!’ and: ‘Just this once won’t make any difference!’  Well it does, and you have to be hard on yourself if you’re going to stick to the routine that got you to the place you are now!  You have to really be determined and give yourself a lot of pep talks to tow the line like you should.  This is not for praise, or to gloat!  It’s only what you should be doing that’s going to bring you benefits in life, or you may just as well not be here, as to just sit around and occupy space…  In my book, that’s not living!
  • Only eat when I’m hungryYou’ve heard the term: ‘Comfort food?’  Well, it’s extremely difficult sometimes not to feel so sorry for yourself that you fill up on so many sweet things that you’d have to exercise for 3 days straight to get rid of: not worth it for me!  So now I practice saying: ‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself!’  Then I can get on with my life!
  • Try to take a dump at least once a monthLOL!  Unfortunately, I’m not a big prune juice fan…  It might sound outrageous, but with all the money I spend monthly on supplements, I still have to convince myself to part with the bucks for probiotics!  I truly need them if I even hope for a regular bowel movement once a day…
  • Communicate with Leslie moreThis is one thing that men generally suck at!  I constantly have to remind myself that although I find plenty to do all day, everyday, she is stuck in bed all day watching TV.  And I wouldn’t wish that on my worse enemy…  I have to remember that and implement it more often! 
  • Fight my depression Thinking positively is difficult with this mentally debilitating disease!  Every day is a challenge to motivate myself, make plans, be involved with others…  My mind always wants to do the opposite of these things, and I have to be constantly alert to this and reverse my thinking, blot other things out of my mind so often during the course of a day, I sometimes wonder: ‘Is it live?  Or Memorex?’
  • Always find someone to help It’s difficult when you’re waddling in self pity all day, fighting off greedy thoughts and the temptation to make rodents suffer for your own short-comings, to consider that you’re not the only one with demons to wrestle with.  I have very little money, and it’s so hard to part with.  LOL!  However, there are those worse off than me, and I must keep giving them a little something to help them get by.  Who else is gonna do it?  And it’s not just money.  They need to be comforted as well!
  • Leave what’s outside, outside  Believe it or not, I become very irate at all the stupid things I see people doing around me!  This only hurts me!  I would do well to understand that from their point of view, I may look stupid to them too…

_MG_1994