10 Facts about you

1.  You’re reading this right now.

2.  You’re reading that this is a stupid fact.

4.  You didn’t notice that I skipped three.

5.  You’re checking now.

6.  You’re smiling.

7.  You’re still reading this even though it’s stupid.

9.  You didn’t notice I skipped eight.

10. You’re checking again and smiling about how you fell for it again.

11. You’re enjoying this.

12 You didn’t realize there’s only supposed to be ten facts.

AngrybabyiStock_000017003512XSmall1.jpg

Advertisements

Rant # 1867

dream1

Stupid Stupermarkets

Do you ever get the feeling when you’re food shopping, that nobody knows what the flying flock they’re doing?  There could be Lesbians in the soup for all I know…

I went shopping at: ‘Food Basics’ yesterday, for one thing, because I put my trust in them that it will BE THERE!  They made me feel more like a big Dummy, wandering about town in a coma!  It’s that stupid, big building that went up just down the street from me.  It’s a whopping seven stories high, and it’s long too!  Ever since, there have been long line ups at the bank, and all the food that I like, is ALWAYS MISSING!  Food Basics huh?  They must mean cat food!

First, I asked the checkout bitch if The Manager was in, or picking his teeth?  ‘Oh no!’ she quiped:  ‘On Fridays, he doesn’t come in until after 1 pm.’  THE FREAKING MANAGER!!  So brain dead me asked if there was anyone else I could speak to? ‘Yes’, she pelted, Mario is in the Managers Office.  ‘Fine’ I retorted and marched off there hoping to find an AK 47 along the way.  And IT’S NOT EVEN MARIO!!  So I asked the stranger, who was so busy chatting it up with the exchange crap

Clerk, just why my favorite Chapman’s yogurt: ‘Crunchy Pecan’ was always out of stock and 15 bands of CHOCOLATE GARBAGE I’m allergic to, just sits there in the cooler forever LOOKING STUPID AT ME!!  What is this world coming to?

‘Oh we don’t sell yogurt ice-cream…’ the moronic FLIT emphatically stated!  So I begged: ‘I have a liter of your Crappy Vanilla’ I can put your Crumby Jam on!  Wanna see it?’  ‘Oh that!’ he suddenly recalls…  ‘I can page Julie who runs that section’ he brilliantly encourages…  ‘Oh I’m sorry!  Julie’s on her break right now…’

I’ll bet a fat tub of ice-cream yogurt HE’S ALWAYS SORRY!!  So trying to improve the dust behind his skull, I blurted: ‘Just order in what everybody’s buying, forget the other CRAP, and you might make SOME MONEY!  They may even give you A PROMOTION!’  As I stormed away then in a self perpetuated cyclone, he double talks behind me: ‘I’M ALREADY AS HIGH UP AS I CAN BE!’  ‘That figures…’  I muttered to myself.  DOUBLE TALK!!   That’s all You the customer, who’s ALWAYS WRONG, will ever get from this crap gassed, backward forking rock!

Black Friday

black-friday

Do you really look forward to being punched out over a pair of socks?  And it’s Black Friday!  What are all those white people doing there?  This was a sad day in 1929 when the market crashed, and business people jumped from sky scrappers, and you want to celebrate it?  Now they want a whole black week!  Where does greed and selfishness ever end, and when will people ever wise up to the fact that these are just ‘things’ and things can never love you back!  And most likely, neither will the sorry slobs you’re buying them for!  I’m glad black people boycotted them!  Seems they’re the only smart people left, with the black and white garb on, in the picture above…  LOL!

Arguing For The Sake of Arguing

o-TWO-PEOPLE-ARGUING-facebook

The mouse I shacked up with, seems to have it in the vacuum between her ears, that I’ll never change, and she deserves a Master’s degree for laying on her rump roast, watching brain dead TV all day!

Here’s how backwards and stupid people really are!  First I run my ass (Well, not the actual ass that Jesus road in on) off. Then I make my mouse breakfast as usual, because she’s too brain dead to remember what food looks like!  Then I go shopping for something that isn’t even there. So silly me…  I then go to the Thrift Store to buy a tuke cuz I just froze my ears off, and run into a friend, who just so happens to be a girl, who respectfully requests that Bonehead and I carry her new love seat home for her.  No problem.  Then when I get home, my mouse wants me to go back and carry home a love seat for her.  No problem…  It’s just cuz she’s jealous I did something for another female besides her!

So I pick out the best one in the store, not a mark on it, and she complains that she had to pay $48 for it, on half price day! That love seat was in excellent condition, color co-ordinated with her poop brown room, (navy blue, with two reversible cushions, navy blue and art deco on the other side) what would easily have cost over $300 in any furniture sucking store, and she’s not happy with the deal?

Then for good measure, she informs me how her burnt out son and, constantly bitching wife, and brain dead constantly squalling embryo is spending a week for Crismis at our place:  Just the recipe to drive me out of my flocking tree, while I was trying to meditate, so I don’t take a cleaver to her for ruining my day, in a long succession of days approaching the three year mark!  And I can’t kick her out, CUZ SHE CAN’T WALK THAT FAR!

Stupid Idiots!

No Offense to all you Smart Idiots…

I know you’re just trying to be smart…  What is a smart idiot, but someone who’s learned how to fool a stupid idiot like me! Why do they call it Thanksgiving for anyway?  What do I have to be thankful for?  Poverty?  I had to settle for pigeon… It’s all I could afford!  And now I know why they call it stuffing.  It bummed me up for a week!  But no!  Smart Idiots fool all trusting saps like me by saying: ‘It’s got sage it it, so it’s good for your digestion!’  Cement has water in it, so I may as well have ate that too, cuz it’s good for keeping it soft…

What they don’t tell you is that you have to start out with a turkey, that’s heavier than your oven, and stuff it’s Grand Canyon with a stale French stick, to keep it crispy, then loosing your brains, you soak this concrete, called bread, in butter fat which softens your Butterball bread up again, and adheres it together like crazy glue, ensuring high cholesterol, and adding four further bum you up eggs, and by the time you finish up this, in my case, a gigantic pigeon, that’s what you end up looking like!  Great!  A Holiday for Gluttons!  Isn’t that a novel idea!

6442384669_997a7af747_z

Only kind of Idiot wants to find a Tornado?

Once they do, providence ensures it’s always an F5!  Now seeing this enormous  600 mile an hour , swirling, huge mass of dust, debris, and and transport truck hurdling toward him out-standing in his field watching this freak of nature plowing toward him at break-neck speed!

So what’s his first thought?  [If I run sideways to it, maybe I can out run it!  Mean-while, the guy in the transport truck is honking his horn at the guy running across the field, like he thinks our idiot can really get out of the way!  So the idiot grabs onto the first thing she can find…  I rickety,old, barbed wire fence post!  You can see where this is going, can’t you!

Keli Tarp, NOAA

So our Idiot here gets wrapped up in a barbed wire fence and gets deposited beside a cigar store Indian!  So then a Detective comes along, thinks it’s a serial killing, and starts checking out all cigar stores looking for people wrapped in barbed wire…  Then after assessing all your piles of tooth picks, you all decide, lets buy a Trailer Park!

And what do We do with our collective Intelligences?

Like the second of the three, little pigs (pigs?  Little?), we build our houses out of tooth picks in Tornado Alley!  Then when run right out in the open to catch bacon sandwiches dropping from the sky!  Look!  If a tornado can exchange furniture between houses, causing people to settle for cheap sofas, it can certainly make bacon sandwiches from three, fat, little pigs!  It’s not my business, but why not just move into the storm itself and be done with it?

What’s the Porpoise to Build a City beside an Ocean?

miami_beach_florida

What we really have here, is an entire city full of big, Dummies, hanging around, waiting for a Tsunami to hit!  Now I ask you…  How many low I.Q.’s can you cram into one spot?  The ocean burps, you’re on the beach, and see a 300 foot wave coming in.  So you say to yourself: [I know!  I’ll go hide in my apartment!]  What can you be thinking?  First off, you’re going to out run this wave through sand?  And secondly, I hope your apartment’s downtown cuz that’s where the wave will take you…  Put on your inflated,rubber ducks, cuz here it comes!

Let’s Live beside a Volcano…

Why don’t you just decide to die in a freak mud slide instead?  I know!  See that smoking mountain over there?  That looks like the perfect place to build our combustible shack!  ‘Now children!  I told you before…  Put that lava rock down, they can still be hot!’  You’re going to end up looking like my Thanksgiving Pigeon!  Welcome to Japan: ‘AWE! THE MONSTER!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!’

Japan_2647286c

A World that gives You the Shakes!

How does it feel living in a world where obvious stupidity is the order of the day?  I know!  We could always search the world wide for a volcano inside an Earthquake zone, so your waitress can ask you: ‘Would you like fries with your shake?’  

Here’s a great idea!  Let’s build a bustling metropolis on something Spanish, like The San Adrea’s Fault line, pray to The Virgin Mary for forgiveness and try to creep away, carrying your favorite bowling ball, just before you fall through a mile deep fisher, trying to read a fast approaching license plate, and hoping to God it’s your car!

where-next-big-tsunami-could-strike-japan_49814_600x450

This picture above, is the aftermath of the now famous 9.0 Earthquake and ensuing Tsunami that just recently hit Japan! So yes!  It is possible to be doubly stupid at the same time!

Here’s a Woppingly Good Idea!

Let’s all board an Airplane with a drunken pilot, an inexperienced Co-pilot, there to learn from the drunk, tinkered with, by a bunch of of half witted mechanics more interested in cutting corners, and extended combination marijuana cabbage roll coffee breaks, while you find yourself reaching for the vomit bag, in a nose dive from 32,000 feet!  Afterwards, we can all look forward to a big group of sneaky Spaniards canoing over to loot our purses and wallets…  At least we can all be happy to just pollute the ocean instead of the atmosphere!  Oh yeah!  Us Idiots have genius floating out our ears!

plane-crashing1

Rant # 21

I’m a Madman!

Just about everything pisses me off!  The fact that when you leave your heading and go into paragraph mode, you loose your color choice, now that pisses me off!  If it pisses you off, you must be mad too!  LOL!  And it really doesn’t help when your computer comes from the: ‘Stupid Factory’…   Here’s the secret:  As soon as you finish typing your Heading, quickly press enter, and by entering paragraph mode quickly, you’ll save your color choice. 

I hate Windows 8 with a passion!  It won’t even let me in as a user.  It calls me a visitor, and takes most of my windows privileges away!  Now I can’t save files, can’t load programs, my keyboard malfunctions after an a lotted time period, along with my mouse.  2 Days!  That means I have to reboot every two days, and start all over again, because even browser information is wiped clean.  So why should I even bother switching to: ‘Switch to the new posting experience’ because it will just go away in 2 days anyway.  I may as well just set up Live Writer again, as always. STUPID!

I fixed it once before by reloading windows, just asked for my serial number and everything was fine again.  Then when it lost it’s brain again, and I followed the same procedure, this time it asked me for my window’s 8 disk instead, which the people at the Stupid Factory never gave me!  And when I put it in sleep mode, IT WON’T WAKE UP!

Just living in itself is designed to kill me!

Just look some of the shear stupidity that went into our design as a human species!  We exercise to try and get thin, our body thinks because we lost calories, it says:  ‘I need more fat cells!’, secrets cortisone into your system and you end up gaining weight instead of loosing it!  Now what kind of stupid logic is that?  [THANKS FOR THE HELP!  I REALLY DEPRECIATE THAT!]  So you sacrifice your carnivorous instinct, give up Buffalo meat and confine yourself to turkey, chicken and fish.  Then all the carnivores call you a: ‘Sissy Vegetarian :O(

Enduring all this, while running my glutious maximus down to a skinny sack of hanging flesh, I get added stress from my computer, my spouse, my friends…  Yet it seams to be a crime that I like peace and quiet!  Even that I strictly control my diet, Leslie,  ‘My rock of assistance’, forces me to eat pork or we’ll fight all night long over that, and I get even more stress!  My best friend is a con man who lives here without paying, consumes everything that we do, and will never leave!  It’s like: ‘What About Bob?’ (if you recall ever having seen the movie, with Richard Dreyfuss the fag, and Bill Murry, the most prevalent irritant to Mankind!

Adults: Including me!

So I take extra potent, experimental, natural tonics and capsules that costs me upwards of $120 a month!  Hey!  That’s a lot for someone with $1.27 to spend!   Neanderthals were more fortunate than me!  They got to eat meat all day everyday and die at the age of 27.  Not me!  No!  I get revealed of my numbness, only to find it counteracts the effect of my depression pills, and I turn into a raging beast!  Hmmmm…  I must release even more stress then!

So I get my Con Artist friend (Bone Head) to play Tennis with me, and wouldn’t you know it?  He threw his back out; although, I’m not sure if he really threw his back out, or just wants to disarm me, so he can win next time, but that’s a separate post.  Since he’s not working and is 50 years old now, I thought it a good way to help him take off his ponchy gut as well…  I’m 62 so I have aches in pains in muscles I never new I had and am in pain too now. That’s OK.  Better than stress!

And too (poetic license  *) adults in general can be devious, resentful, jealous, stupid, greedy, emotionless and uncaring, regretful, undisciplined, sleepy and obnoxious…  Not to mention thieves, liars and murderers.  I’ll think up more impressive reasons why you don’t impress me much next time!  And why do people dump on you all the time?  I have enough problems of my own to solve everyday, without hearing the nagging and complaining about how tough life is.  I don’t wanna hear it!  Life is tough on insects!  GET OFF MY BACK!  Go dump on people who like to get dumped on!  Spread your wings and fly!  Don’t come near me!  I’m a Madman!

MG_2009_thumb.jpg

Tennis Flash!

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

Announcer No: 1 ‘Ooooo! did you see that grounder whizz right by Djokovic?’

Announcer No 2: ‘Well if it whizzed by him, I wouldn’t be able to see it now wood eye?’

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

Announcer No: 1  ‘OH AND A BLISTERING SHOT THAT JUST PAINTED THE LINE!’

Announcer No: 2  ‘That was out you Idiot!’

Announcer No: 1  ‘Don’t call me an Idiot!  OK?

Announcer No: 2 ‘OK Stupid then…’

Announcer No: 1 ‘FUNNY COMING FROM A MAN WHO JUST WEARS DENTURES!’

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

Announcer No: 1  ‘Ya know, you’re getting fat enough to resemble the moon!’

Announcer No: 2  ‘And you’re getting thin enough to disappear!’

Announcer  No: 1 ‘EAT ME YOU FINK!’

Announcer  No 2  ‘What’s to eat?  Maybe, with the right sauce…’

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

POCK…………………………

Announcer No: 1  SUCK YOU, AND EVERYBODY WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU!

Announcer No: 2  OMG!  AND DJOKOVIC JUST SUFFERERED THE MOST STUNNG DEFEAT OF THE CENTURY!!!

Announcer No: 1  Mimic!