The Top 10 Sexiest Things About Me…

  1. Well, for one thing, I have a great character.  Yeah that’s it!  I have a great character: just like that great movie star: ‘Tyrone Shoelaces’.
  2. And I know how to treat a lady!  At least once a year, I make damn sure we go Dutch at Mac. Donald’s!
  3. If I’ve had enough broccoli, I can manipulate my butt cheeks, and play: ‘God Save The Queen!’
  4. I can throw up on command!  It’s how I used to get off school…  It left me pail, and pasty looking, but I still found a ghoul friend!
  5. Pick up line # 256 : ‘Can you tell me how to get to Carnage Hall?’  When she answers: ‘Practice!’, make your move!
  6. Try to look as much like Antonio Banderas as possible!  Then sashay up to her and whisper something Spanish in her ear: ‘Tay-co- nosco, Mosco’  ( I know you, Mosquito! )
  7. After you shave every morning, splash your face with Spanish Fly.  Women will sniff you all day, and follow you wherever you go!  It’s like cat-nip to them!
  8. Put on your pink Pimp suit, go downtown and lean against a wall with your legs crossed.  When a pretty woman walks by, toss a quarter out into the middle of the sidewalk, like you didn’t even care!
  9. I  let the woman walk ahead of me.  It makes them feel tough!  It also makes for a great getaway for me…
  10. I give you my solemn oath as both a thief, and a liar, I will NOT use you, EVER!! Unless of corpse, you’re a cadaver, and I’m behind on my rent!

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How to Stop Crime

Baltimore at Siege

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When you get older, you know what’s going to happen in the near future, just by observing present changes.  Baltimore’s Mayor knew, as did all of us, in advance, that this kind of gathering was going to spawn riots!  They should have organized the protest before it happened…  They should have confined it to open fields surrounded by guards, where no damage can be done, except to themselves, if they should so choose.

I can see the logic of these young people is to exact revenge, like they did in Ferguson, that got them to revise their Police Department.  However, in this case, we’re now talking city folk, whose usual approach involves retribution of some kind!  It will likely be the parents of these kids that will end up paying hefty fines!  And I think it rightfully so.  Here’s why…

The Base of the Problem

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Is it the parents that’s the base of the problem?  Not exactly, though they do participate.  If the law makes it illegal for you to administer capital punishment when necessary in public, how are parents able to raise their children to stay out of trouble?  And parents should be given courses on how to raise their children so they grow up with some rules and reasons that make sense to them!  This messed up world heading to suicide is not what they expected from you!

Take The Lord’s Prayer out of our school system for example, and you’re teaching our children that God and morals don’t matter!  A lot of people are having a change of heart about that question, and are experiencing a change of activity in ways to properly discipline their children.  I think laws should be changed, yes…  Also, pay scales are way below what they should be in all honesty.  If the best Tennis Player can make $77,000,000 why he’s still young in his Career, what about people who clean your house and office for you?  Is your insured health not worth more than what you give a Tennis player?  Do you think THAT might have something to do with why they vandalize your businesses?

Change The System

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It’s too bad more people aren’t on top of the political world, and monitoring their own communities more closely!  Perhaps then, they would clean up the Prostitutes from the streets, and give them jobs with similar pay!  Or is that not worth your little girl not getting the wrong idea about how to make a living?  You can’t blame these children for reacting to injustice the way that they do.  You made a heartless world for them to reside in, so what else can you expect from them?  The system needs to be changed, and that means being involved in your community, including community meetings…  Do you even know where they’re being held?

I would make protests only legal On LIne if it were me.  But hey!  Can’t have everything…  Remember that our children are our most precious commodity!  They are the future quite literally.  Help them to build a better world: spend some more time with them, teaching them the kind of things they won’t learn in school…  Like maybe that they would get a lot more freebies in life by showing kindness of their own, proving they don’t have to steal!  Earning respect from others might also build their confidence in themselves to perhaps shoot for loftier goals.  Give them a little direction and love maybe?  Maybe exchange video games for a little outdoor activity with the family?

Welcome to My World

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Introduction

As soon as I was born, they put a tag around my neck that read: ‘And now for something completely different!’  I loved Kindergarten because it was completely chaotic and uncontrolled: something I’m passionate about for it’s deep, hidden meaning!  Grades 1 and 2 were a complete write off: Teacher:  Now class?  I want you to draw concentric circles, and try to stay perfectly between the lines!’  Me: (to the student beside me) ‘Pssst!  What’s ‘concentric’ mean?’  Him: ‘I dunno…  But I think it’s something sexual!’  <Five minutes later>  Teacher:  Now class?  Put your crayons down, and fold your hands neatly in front of you…  Who here can count from 1 to 20 for me?  Me: ‘Pssst!  Don’t put up your hand!  They’re trying to control us!’

Then he’d start giggling, and get into trouble for something that I instigated…  The new sense of power, manipulation and just this over-all good feeling I got when I cracked people up, was exhilarating for me!  It was then and there, (when and where?) that I decided I had my own itinerary, and must pursue my new, all important career, as class clown, and eventual international Idiot: a vocation I can assure you to this day, still delivers perks: examples include, watching people turn purple cuz they can’t catch their breath!  Seeing drinks sprayed all over the room!  And witnessing mushroom clouds immerge from Klingons circling around Uranus!  Again, to me, it was the achievement of maintaining complete chaos and un-control: something I’m passionate about for it’s deep hidden meaning!

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How to stand out as an abject Failure!

Above, is my class photo from grade three…  I actually failed grade three because I convinced the entire class not to take the teacher seriously!  To me, lost in my own twisted world, this was actually a promotion.  I know because every time I’d speak at her personally, she’d turn her head to one side as if nobody was talking at all.  Oh yeah!  I shoved a bug so far up her ass, she had to look cross eyed to drink a glass of water!  She was a slender lady, in her forties, with curly, black hair, and looked just like Roseland Russell.  Here’s a picture of my grade three Teacher:

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So I decided to knuckle down in grade four, and achieved grades that your usual self taught juvenile delinquent was not supposed to achieve.  So they gave me an I.Q. test, and to everyone’s astonishment, I passed!  In fact, they skipped me a grade, and I quote: ‘Let’s see what the little Con Artist can do in grade five!’  There I breathed a sigh of relief, having once again been submerged within complete chaos and un-control.  My mother quipped: ‘The sneaky, little Bass, Turd got his way again!’  Here comes the good part…

The school gave me money!

Well, not actual dollars and sense, but more like a blank cheese check for whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it!  They wouldn’t tell me what my actual I.Q. was cuz they said they didn’t want my head to swell up, but that it was up there.  So my Mummy (Now displayed along with my Neanderthal Step Stool Dad, in: The Museum of Natural Corpus Delecti, Cancerous Tumors Unit), sat me down ,and said I could have anything I want, if I just ask, because the school says you have a natural talent for wasting people’s time…

[Hmmm…]  I said to myself: ‘OK…  … …  I want a Telescope, a Microscope, a Chemistry set, a Swiss Army Knife, a hand crafted spinning Top with a Diamond tip, a name brand Tape Recorder, a Butterfly Net, and two, large baskets of sour Gum Balls!  I’ll know more about what I want after I compile a list’  She gave me one of those amazed yet bewildered looks.  You know?  Like she’d just witnessed something beyond comprehension!  And answered with a classic remark: ‘What do you think I am?  The Bank of Montreal?’  It wasn’t long before I actually went to The Bank of Montreal, and asked them if they knew my parents…

Two weeks later, the Telescope arrived…   I was to hear those words more frequently than not, from both her, and my Step Stool Father, with the same amazed yet bewildered look:  like two deer’s caught in headlights!  I’ll explain in full, shocking, detail, just why I needed those things in the sequel (seek well?) to this: ‘An Urgent Need to Be Greedy!’  Mean-while, here’s a picture of my parents:

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Berdych and Murray Clash During Semifinal Match

What was that you said?

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Berdych treated us with a display of poor sportsmanship during his semifinal match with Andy Murray yesterday, at The Australian Open!  Both Berdych and Murray are engaged to be married:  Murray in October, to a girl who looks the spitting image of Jennifer Aniston, and I don’t know who’d be squirrely enough to marry Berdych.  Anyway, the camera gave us a close up of both women’s glitzy diamond rocks that rival Mount Rushmore!

Anyway, although Berdych has stepped up his game of recent times, he must have exchanged nuclear holocaust with his wife to be before the match because just before winning the first set he said something right nasty to Andy, and the two of them locked eyes in a way that if looks could kill, it was as if Andy was telling Berdych: ‘After the match, behind the statue of betterer Federer, I WANT YOU!!’  The Linesman, you know?  The tiny guy who sits in the high chair and makes all the calls?  He told Berdych that he wasn’t allowed to speak to Andy that way!

And this is not the first time either.  During the quarter finals with Nadal, he shushed the Spanish audience!  Nadal didn’t like it, and neither did the Spanish audience!  The man obviously has some kind of arrogant: ‘I’m better than everyone else, and my poop don’t stink’ chip on his shoulder he had better soon come to terms with, or his reputation is going bye-bye!  In fact, I think it’s already lost somewhere in Timbuck Three!

I’m aiming at your forehead!

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After that first set, Andy took Berdych back to school.  Not only did he out-maneuver Berdych he finished the second set:6 – 0 and it was apparent that Berdych was visibly shaken!  And so he should be!  All may still be fair in love and war, but prize money and big shot status or not, it’s still just a game and Thomas Berdych has an object lesson coming to him to man up to that fact.  Too bad if Murrays game just so happens to be better than yours!  That’s just the way the ball bounces…  Andy sent him packing and could faceoff against Novak Djokovic during the final…   BTW, during just one exchange with Berdych, Andy ran a total of 61 yards!  It was just one of those match ups no one will forget!  Cheers Andy!  Good mojo!