What’s The Big Idea?

Some People Just Don’t Want to Listen!

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The big idea is: The greater your obligation toward the public, the greater the necessity to be trained in public relations…  Yet Doctors (in general) for instance, have such large egos, that they couldn’t possibly imagine you might know what’s wrong before they assess you themselves: as if it were their body and not yours!  You don’t have a cold…  You have a Rhino virus!  Leaving one to wonder:  ‘How did I come in contact with a Rhino anyway?’

What if I were to tell you that their agenda isn’t to cure you at all, but to keep you as a cadaver that walks, so you’ll keep returning, to keep them, and The Government well-heeled?  You however, will never be healed!  After all, a real customer is someone who keeps coming back!  Right?  Feather more, what if I were to tell you that it’s just as likely for any one of them, to be just as crazy, as anyone of us?  And to make matters worse, ‘crazy’ is not always so easy to define…

Backward Thinking…

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I have periodontal disease from all the years of smoking!  One of the reasons I stopped, was to save my tooth!  LOL!  Anyway, I just got a new Dentist.  To me, it was like trading in a Porsche, for a Model T…  His head is buried because he can’t see that teeth, and gums go together.  He thinks I just have teeth!  So he taps my teeth, and because they don’t hurt, he says there’s no infection.  Meanwhile, my gums look like a mouth full of balloons!

Even his demeanor was very condescending!  I tell him I need something for the pain, and he says he don’t see pain…  So I asked him what pain looks like if it’s not crawling up my face right now…  And he said I’m not giving you anything because there’s nothing wrong with you.  So I asked: ‘May I please just have some antibiotics for the infection then?’  and he said Periodontal disease doesn’t cause infection: ‘I’m not a Pharmacy!’ he said…  Gee…  Could’ve fooled me!

His name is Dr. Katz…  With that I said: ‘I know just how to deal with you Dr. Quacks!’  So I sicked the little woman on him!  And what does the A-Hole finally do?  He writes me out a prescription for ibuprofen!  I don’t need him for that!  It’s an: ‘over the counter’ drug that would shut down my liver before it could even come close to touching this kind of pain.  I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink…  I could moan though.  I’m a very good moaner!  From there, I went straight to my Doctor…  He said I could have went to jail for kicking up such a fuss!  So…  For sticking up for my rights, and trying to save my life, I’m the bad guy huh?

Physician Heal Thy Self!

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So how’s this for logic?  My Doctor looks in my mouth, and right away, he sees my gums are infected.  So he gives me an antibiotic and, Tylenol 3’s with codeine.  The Tylenols cause constipation, so the idea here, is to cure my infection while my body fills up with excrement.

The instructions suggest I exercise to relieve the constipation.  Meanwhile, my stomach is bloated up like a basketball because I have an ulcer, had to double up on the Tylenol 3’s and ibuprofen, so I feel like I’m gonna up-chuck!  It’s 3 am., and they recommend I run downtown!  Hence, I have to go back to see the Doctor, which is just what he was shooting for!

My other half has managed to accumulate six Doctors over the years, and she is sick as a dog!  Everything was hunky Dorrie,  (Hunky Dorrie?  I didn’t know a Dorrie could be hunky!) until she started going to Doctors!  She goes to a Dentist too, and guess what?  Now she has no teeth!  Aren’t Dentists supposed to save your teeth?  Aren’t Doctors supposed to improve your health?  God forbid you should ever need a Lawyer!  And don’t complain, or you will!  What’s the big idea?  If you have one, I’d like to hear it!

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Have Some Ha Ha!

  • Teacher: “Kids,what does the chicken give you?”
    Student: “Meat!”
    Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
    Student: “Bacon!”
    Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
    Student: “Homework!”

 

  • A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

 

  • A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

 

  • Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, “I hate my mother-in-law.” The other replies, “Well, just eat your noodles, then.”
  • If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
  • What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?  It gets toad away.
  • A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”
  • There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
  • A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
  • Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
  • Do not be racist; be like Mario. He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
  • Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

 

     

The Lighter Side of Photography

A Balancing Act

See, people think that us shutter bugs are just walking around looking for flowers and bees…  It’s not like that at all!  We take up the gauntlet of pure stupidity, and traverse some very treacherous rocks, hills, riversides, and cliffs to get to that perfect ‘waterfall spot’…  Don’t ask me why.  It just seems we have to get pictures of all the waterfalls that we can.  We should call it ‘shutter bug disease’ because all us nature buff fanatics, are nutty about them!  Rapids are great for time lapse shots as well, but aren’t always easy to get to…

See, you’ve got to figure, more often than not, to get to your goal, you have to traverse a rocky shoreline, because the forest is to dense to wade through, plus you’re carrying maybe 50 lbs. of equipment on your back, and a 20 lb.tripod in one hand.  That leaves you off balance, with only one hand free to catch yourself if you fall: hoping that your hiking boots with real tire tread soles, and the laces with genuine Saskatchewan, seal-skin bindings from Canadian Tire will help…  Meanwhile, some of those rocks are very slippery, with green slime on them!  Now if you have to step onto a curved one, you may do an Irish jig for a few moments, but you’re going in the drink, equipment, tripod, clothes, and all!

Or, you could be merrily winding your way down some trail, catch your foot on a root, and are suddenly grabbing for air with one hand, only to be caught twirling around trees until you do a ballerina dance, and involuntarily whip yourself into the drink anyway!  You could land on your back, and be like a turtle what can’t get up!  You could lay there for days, looking like a boxed lunch!

I’ve been literally teetering on the edge of dizzying heights, palms seating, heart pounding, knees knocking, only to back away from the tripod because I had to sneeze!  See, it’s all that adventure, and risk taking, that keeps you alive, instead of just existing.  Risking taking!  It brings the best rewards, and always, but always sends you away more appreciative of the air you breathe, and the sights you see, than ever before!

 

Curious Onlookers

So there I am at a lookout post that has a great view, looking through my view-finder, tweaking knobs, adjusting settings, making calculations in my head about exposure, composition, etc..  And suddenly, I hear: ‘Hi!  That’s some camera you have there!’ So I look up, and there’s this guy in his mid 50’s maybe.  He just snuck right up on me!  Didn’t know him from Adam!  I have thousands of dollars worth of equipment with me, and there’s just the two of us there!  He could have thrown me over the cliff and took a picture of me on the way down for all I know!  Then he starts asking me all these skill testing questions:  ‘So what kind of camera is it?  Do you get good shots?  Ever run into any bears?’  Who cares!  Now I’m loosing my cloud formations!  I don’t know this guys intentions…  Now he’s talking about how he likes to go swimming with his dog…  So I just politely said: ‘Well, if you don’t mind, I really should get back to work here!  You have yourself a great day…’

Another time, I encountered this stupid, frumpish old bag of wet laundry!  I was taking a picture of a wooden gate with a rot iron filled hole in the middle.  She didn’t even live there!  She lived next-door…  ‘What are you doing there?’  Well what does it look like I’m doing?  Planning a bank robbery as a sleep over bandit?  Then she starts going on about rot iron as a work of art, when suddenly a group of four teens encircled me with their bikes, calling me nasty names like: ‘Wahoo!’  And ‘Whippy!’  So I packed up, and moved on before I was mugged and talked to death, all in the same breath!

 

Impossible accidents

One time around 6am.  I’m getting set up on top of a rock face, with about a 30 degree incline, putting me about 50 yards from the river.  As always, I went to take the lens cap off my camera, only this time, it leaped from my hand, landed sideways, and rolled all the way down the rock face, bouncing up here and there, and <Ker plunk >, into the drink!  I searched the muddy bottom, but do you think I could find the dang, blad thing?  No sir/Mama!  It was only by shear fortune, that I had another cap on my macro lens tubing that just fit my camera!

Another time, I was about the same distance up a rock face with about a 40 degree incline.  I put my favorite, yet compact macro lens on the rock with a bit of a lean…  I thought it not enough to tip it over, but I was wrong!  It just took the right wind gust, and standing helplessly with my jaw dropped, I watched it tumble end over end, and into the drink it goes!  I’m sure it was only the lens cap keeping the vibrations from cracking the lens.  And at any time, it could have bounced on the opening clip, and flew off, but it didn’t: a strange twist of fate to be sure!  This time, I found the lens half sunk, into the muddy bottom of the river.  Some sand had gotten into the focusing mechanism, but a little machine oil washed it out nicely.  The lens works fine to this day!

Another blogger shared with me how her lens got sucked down a whirl pool at a river side with rapids…  So it was lost forever: sucked into an ever deepening vortex!  Do you have any photography stories that don’t just concern taking pictures?  If you do, then you have a blog to write!  So the next time you think of Photography as smiling Aunts and Uncles, think again!  There’s always a fumble or a spill, a knock or a bruise, a tussle or a knob!  There’s always: ‘The Lighter Side of Photography!’

 

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In The News with Hintley Blinkley

People who molest fruits and vegetables

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This woman was arrested today, for having elicit sex with a watermelon!  They’re holding her melons equally responsible.  They’ll both be serving 6 weeks time in a penal colony!

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As further proof that fruits are involved in a provocative manner with humans.  As you can see, both of these bananas are completely naked!  The woman who brought them together, expected to serve time in The Booby Hatch, claimed: ‘I just needed someone who would understand how I feel!’

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We found this rather well endowed squash had inticed several young women to fondle the vegetable!  The squash was given 60 days for indecent exposure.  Two of the women were released with a warning, but the third was arrested for taking a pea!  It was later proven using radioactive thermometers, that the pea had nothing to do with it, and was in fact pea-napped.  willfully pea-napping and murdering a pea can carry a life sentence, without chance of parole…

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The above is a present President Nixon received after his impeachment…  unfortunately, I am restricted to any more information than this: ‘Was the President ever left alone with this fruit?’

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This man should rightfully be arrested for child, carrot pornography!  Where’s a crop when you need one?

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Just this morning, these three sadly dressed carrots were arrested for prostituting themselves to customers with lewd comments like: ‘You look like a big, slab of meat!’  and ‘You know I’m the most appealing!’

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Sexual relations with the fruit and vegetable kingdom can be hard to resist.  I know from personal experience one day when a was a boy, innocently standing in front of a tree, that these things never work out in the long run…

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Do you want to serve time for a potato?  If you fondle it, it’s a sexual offence!  In fact, this is not suitable for young audiences!  And believe me!  This potato and you would only argue all the time :O(

Life as we know it

Inside of me, a hollow shell;

The place in which I live and dwell!

I wish I understood you well;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

A battered case of shattered glass;

The hurried pace of all who pass!

Sometimes in my face, one complete ass;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

A shameful, stupid, waste of time;

A million dreams long past their prime!

I can’t even care my life is a crime;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

People wave like ghosts a far;

Quite invisible to me as they are!

The loneliness of a cold, and distant star;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

If I were me, I’d have nothing to do with myself;

I’d pack up my uselessness, and stack it on some forgotten shelf!

I look like what’s left over from the disappearance of an elf;

The rest of me is sexy!