This is for all you fony balogna ‘friends’ out there… I know you want perfect people, and I’m not that, so get lost! This includes: ‘Amy Rose!’ I’m cleaning house right now. I got rid of the steaming tea bag, Romeo (Bonehead), cuz he’s just a mooch off me, and I probably will ditch Leslie too, cuz she’s just a lying bitch-witch! Anybody else wants to cross me, you’ll see what you get! Let’s get one thing straight right now… I don’t ‘need’ any of you! I’ve got enough imagination to keep me busy on my own for a lifetime! So go ahead and act like them, and see what happens to you! I’m my own person! You don’t like it? Piss off!!
The Blind can’t see!
We left off where my telescope had just arrived. The price left my Mummy sitting on the side of her bed, downing a handful of pills, with a bottle of Scotch, repeating over and over: ‘Why don’t I just shoot myself?’ I was a little skeptical too. Anything that was invented in the 1600’s, isn’t it out of date? It’s a sausage, with a piece of glass. How good can it be?
The label on the other side said: ‘Batteries not included!’ In those days, everything said: ‘batteries not included’ whether it needed batteries or not. Why, I opened up a piece of: ‘Double Bubble’ gum once, and sure enough! Inside, written on the wrapper? ‘Batteries not included!’ And you didn’t get double bubbles at all! They just said that so you’d buy two of them! Anyway, <Pfffffffffft!> anything you buy is BS!
I thought the scope might stink too! The manual stated: ‘Congratulation on your new Acme purchase!’ It goes on:: ‘Tripod can’t walk!’ Well if it can’t walk, why did they give it legs? What a useless feature!, It continued: ‘Galileo’s original scope! We just polished it up with rust remover agent: vitamin B12… Included, is a 44. Magnum for an easy exit!’
Exploring Planet Saccharin…
Next thing I know, I’m, fumbling around in the dark, trying to read a manual that doesn’t glow in the dark at all! So how are you suppose to read the thing? They never think these things through. So I got my flashlight out that lit up the: ‘Batteries not included!’ sign enough to sort of see it.
‘Use the lowest power eye piece to view stars with. (That’s the one with the most millimeters on it).’ Well if it has the most millimeters, why is the power lowest? They got the thing in reverse, just as always! Later that evening, the neighbors called the Police, charging me with aiming a bazooka at their window! I was later sentenced to wash their window, and walk their poodle what peed on my leg :O(
Then: ‘Turn focusing knob until stars appear as pinpoints like they do with the unaided eye…’ Well if they look the same either way, why do I need a telescope? Einstein goes on: ‘To view the planet ‘Saccharin’, with it’s rings in all their glory, use the other eye-piece, with lower millimeters,,,’ There was only one choice left ya daffy conglomerate of self appointed Twits! Even at sharpest focus, Saccharin just looked like fuzz, with a bulge on either side. Right up until I was 16, I thought Saccharin was a Smurff! My parents bought me a toy magnifying glass…
Back to my Mummy!
‘Mummy’ I said: ‘Put down that razor blade and listen to me! I wanted a real Telescope like the one on Mount Rushmore!’ ‘Please!’ Mummy begged: ‘We’ve only got $1.27 left, and we need bologna!’ ‘ALRIGHT THEN!’ I ranted: ‘I’LL MAKE MY OWN FROM A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES AND A TOILET PAPER TUBE!!’ I stormed out of the room screaming: ‘I HOPE YOU TURN INTO A NICE PERSON!!’
Then I ripped the arms off my pet and said: ‘There! try and eat now!’ I got down on my knees, and said: ‘Lettuce Prey… Lard? Please forgive my Mummy who is an Idiot! Use your powers to get me a Microscope now, so I can have an excuse to suck the life blood from her in the name of research? Do this small favor for me, and tomorrow, I’ll brush my teeth! – Amen’
I was so depressed at that point, I just didn’t care for my life anymore, which had now become meaningless, and futile without a million dollars! So I went outside, and laid down in front of oncoming traffic. A guy stopped in front of me, and shouted out his window: ‘GET OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD YA JERK!!’ At that, I went to the nearest Hospital, walked into the middle of an operation and said: ‘I wanna be a Brain Surgeon! Teach me!’ Here’s a picture of my pet: ‘Sundance’
My Step Stool Dad gives me a Tape Recorder for Christmas…
I had to wait three whole weeks! In the mind of a child, that’s close to eternity! I was afraid I’d age rapidly and miss out on eternity! The instructions said: ‘Hold face close to machine, and speak into hidden microphone. (If it’s hidden?) Anything recorded, will sound just like it does in real life! If it sounds the same, why not just listen in real life? It said: ‘Use fast forward to sound like real chipmunk… Batteries not included’
That was the last straw! I smashed it into the wall! And ya know what? It recorded the whole event! My Mummy was so upset, she made me glue it back together with my own ear wax! I phoned her from the Hobby shop while in search of my Butterfly Net, (The only thing I could weasel out of her after that). The cheap Alcoholic!
I got the answering machine. In those days, was just my repaired tape recorder… I recognized my Mummy’s voice: ‘At the sound of the shot, please leave a brief message, and my Undertaker will get right back to you…’ Next: ‘The True Meaning of Pest Control’…
As soon as I was born, they put a tag around my neck that read: ‘And now for something completely different!’ I loved Kindergarten because it was completely chaotic and uncontrolled: something I’m passionate about for it’s deep, hidden meaning! Grades 1 and 2 were a complete write off: Teacher: Now class? I want you to draw concentric circles, and try to stay perfectly between the lines!’ Me: (to the student beside me) ‘Pssst! What’s ‘concentric’ mean?’ Him: ‘I dunno… But I think it’s something sexual!’ <Five minutes later> Teacher: Now class? Put your crayons down, and fold your hands neatly in front of you… Who here can count from 1 to 20 for me? Me: ‘Pssst! Don’t put up your hand! They’re trying to control us!’
Then he’d start giggling, and get into trouble for something that I instigated… The new sense of power, manipulation and just this over-all good feeling I got when I cracked people up, was exhilarating for me! It was then and there, (when and where?) that I decided I had my own itinerary, and must pursue my new, all important career, as class clown, and eventual international Idiot: a vocation I can assure you to this day, still delivers perks: examples include, watching people turn purple cuz they can’t catch their breath! Seeing drinks sprayed all over the room! And witnessing mushroom clouds immerge from Klingons circling around Uranus! Again, to me, it was the achievement of maintaining complete chaos and un-control: something I’m passionate about for it’s deep hidden meaning!
How to stand out as an abject Failure!
Above, is my class photo from grade three… I actually failed grade three because I convinced the entire class not to take the teacher seriously! To me, lost in my own twisted world, this was actually a promotion. I know because every time I’d speak at her personally, she’d turn her head to one side as if nobody was talking at all. Oh yeah! I shoved a bug so far up her ass, she had to look cross eyed to drink a glass of water! She was a slender lady, in her forties, with curly, black hair, and looked just like Roseland Russell. Here’s a picture of my grade three Teacher:
So I decided to knuckle down in grade four, and achieved grades that your usual self taught juvenile delinquent was not supposed to achieve. So they gave me an I.Q. test, and to everyone’s astonishment, I passed! In fact, they skipped me a grade, and I quote: ‘Let’s see what the little Con Artist can do in grade five!’ There I breathed a sigh of relief, having once again been submerged within complete chaos and un-control. My mother quipped: ‘The sneaky, little Bass, Turd got his way again!’ Here comes the good part…
The school gave me money!
Well, not actual dollars and sense, but more like a blank cheese check for whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it! They wouldn’t tell me what my actual I.Q. was cuz they said they didn’t want my head to swell up, but that it was up there. So my Mummy (Now displayed along with my Neanderthal Step Stool Dad, in: The Museum of Natural Corpus Delecti, Cancerous Tumors Unit), sat me down ,and said I could have anything I want, if I just ask, because the school says you have a natural talent for wasting people’s time…
[Hmmm…] I said to myself: ‘OK… … … I want a Telescope, a Microscope, a Chemistry set, a Swiss Army Knife, a hand crafted spinning Top with a Diamond tip, a name brand Tape Recorder, a Butterfly Net, and two, large baskets of sour Gum Balls! I’ll know more about what I want after I compile a list’ She gave me one of those amazed yet bewildered looks. You know? Like she’d just witnessed something beyond comprehension! And answered with a classic remark: ‘What do you think I am? The Bank of Montreal?’ It wasn’t long before I actually went to The Bank of Montreal, and asked them if they knew my parents…
Two weeks later, the Telescope arrived… I was to hear those words more frequently than not, from both her, and my Step Stool Father, with the same amazed yet bewildered look: like two deer’s caught in headlights! I’ll explain in full, shocking, detail, just why I needed those things in the sequel (seek well?) to this: ‘An Urgent Need to Be Greedy!’ Mean-while, here’s a picture of my parents:
Ya know? I’m not bothered in the least, that you didn’t find my soft backgrounds useful. Nor does it phase me that you don’t have the back bone or moral up-bringing to even thank me for the extensive effort I put in to bring them to you. I’ve long come to expect that. What does bother me is how very much your loosing out on to not even imagine the improvement or originality they could bring to your blog, or your blatant refusal to even acknowledge my concern for your success on WordPress! It’s just this kind of CRAP that makes the world what it is today!
No matter… I’m not one to hold a grudge. They’re slimy, dirty, and as un-kept as the stench of snobbery that infiltrates this forum like that of a dirty litter box! You ‘cats’ aren’t behaving all that impressively as you think you do, apparently. Don’t let that fool you! I just so happen to know, that ‘soft backgrounds’ are one of the most highly sought after, and rarely found items of interest on The Internet. It’s good to know there are still some friendly, honest people around!
As for what you call: ‘spam’, they have shown me much more than mere courtesy. In point of fact, they have commented extensively on my blog, with kindness, appreciation, timely advice, invitations, taking my feeds, as well as asking politely for permission on many occasions if they may re-blog my material to their own groups and have expressed the highest of gratitude for the: ‘superb’ quality of my posts, and visit me often. Posts like: ‘Dinosaur Extracts’ ‘Don’t Waste My Time’ and ‘Do schools kill creatively’, to name but a few… So you see? In point of fact, I don’t really need you! Nor do I need your arrogance, silence or general lack of knowledge and wisdom on your own behalf: not that you’ve ever shown any in the first place… Enjoy your day!