My Big Fat Award

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Hi;  I’m not here, not to thank WordPress, for an award I didn’t receive, for not being here for three years now!  Yay…  I’d also not like to thank the 40 million people on WordPress that don’t know I’m not here, nor could they give a rat’s ass, which neither do I.  Thanks for nothing!  As you can’t see, I’ve been in a real big hurry not to present this from three days ago…

My six loyal fans will tell you that it’s been a real trick for me to have them show up all at the same time, to laugh at my tripe.  Apparently, some people who’ve received no likes at all, have been jealous of my good fortune, spending less and less time here over the last three or four months:  I don’t care which.  I can’t tell you what this means to me.  There are children present!

So go away, don’t bug me, and I won’t even notice that nobody was ever here in the first place.  Feather more, I’d like not to acknowledge that Google doesn’t know I’m here either.  And Frankly, I Shirley am not insulted by what little intelligence I have left.  So, in closing, it has certainly been the thrill of a lifetime talking to myself!

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The Girl of My Dreams

_0004_uglyladyMust be at least as handsome and stylish as the young lady pictured above…  I don’t want to set my standards too high or I won’t get any offers.  I have to admit, she does have a certain air of royalty about her.  It’s not what’s inside that counts.  It’s how she looks!  As you may have noticed, the woman pictured above exhibits rare (almost invisible) intelligence!

  • She must be between one and nine feet tall.  Six inch women need not apply without a visa or passport!
  • She should carry herself well, without any props: like gravity beams…
  • She must be able to name at least one of the six great lakes!  Just for the record, they are: Lake Fawn-Fairy-Oh. Lake Cheery, Lake Michelin, Lake Neuron, Lake Inferior, and Lake Weird, (It comes and goes).  If you have any trouble, please refer to this list!
  • Must never max out my credit card (ACME Suck Jobs), of $1.27, (All the gum you can chew), or suffer the $1.59 weekly interest charge!
  • Must be good in bed, both with me and my dog: ‘Spunky’…
  • No bad habits, like not drinking, not smoking, not doing drugs, and not getting me into trouble!
  • Must be able to count to ten without using your fingers or toes.  OK…  You can use a calculator since they’ve allowed them in schools now.
  • None of that: ‘Women’s Lip’ stuff, except when you want your own way…  OK…  May I speak sometime if I beg for a doggy treat?
  • No toys in bed!  I don’t want to be electrocuted right in the middle of: ‘Late Night with Jay Leno’!  Mayonnaise is OK if it’s Hellman’s…
  • BYOB… Bring Your Own Bitch!  And no whips or chains!  Handcuffs are OK if you need a small loan…  No torture except ‘Don Ho’s Greatest Ho Hits’ records played at 78 speed: old phonograph term for fans of: ‘The Chipmunks’…
  • If we ever go to a movie, (less than a chance in a trillion), I get to choose the movie!  I like sloppy, soap operas, and boring, love stories…  OK I’ll go!  I’ll go!  You don’t have too cut yourself! 
  • I sometimes like to dance, but only if you use a 357 magnum, or a pea shooter!
  • Not questions about my past!  However, I will take a lie detector test if necessary…
  • No biting, punching, or scratching!  A kick in the nuts is acceptable…
  • I will not tolerate farts!  They are rude and disgusting, except for peanut-butter farts…  I will allow you a small window of 23 hours and 56 minutes a day only!

May I end this blog entry now?  I’ve gotta go pee really badly!  (Give pee’s a chance!)  No?  You’re right…  You’re always right…  How about breathing?  Is breathing allowed?  I’ll be quiet now :O(