Fitness Shmitness

A Frame of Reference

Before I continue, (This post is so long already!) I’d just like to compliment our chickens for becoming vegetarians!  It shows what a high level of commitment, and fine example, our chickens have shown other chickens, worldwide…  Our chickens are courageous, now living on a free range, just the same way we used to bum around communes, I’m just glad I have the opportunity to present you with this malarkey, and have you swallow it: ‘Bone free!  As free as the wind blows!  As free as my toes knows…  Bone free!’

Just as a frame of reference, if our chickens can be this committed to a healthy life-style, then so can you!  Once we reach 50, our health becomes almost as important to us all, as is gambling, theft, and sapping the life-blood from our neighbors…  Not only are we committed to losing fat today, but finding it again tomorrow, as it migrates to another part of our bodies!  Join me now, as we take a trip down: ‘Bulbous Lane’, and find a way to keep from blotting out the sun!

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After just 6 weeks of regular exercise, and only one celery stick, you too can lose as much weight as the woman pictured above!  Notice the complete absence of fat, as well as one arm that looks too large from saluting people, as she commits to running 700 miles per hour, for just 15 seconds a week!  She says,  and I quote: ‘It’s all the time I can spare, so I have to make the most of it!’  What a fine physique you could have, if you’d only take this as seriously as a walking cadaver…  See?  This woman is so thin, she doesn’t even have a shadow!

Avoid Poor Choices

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Contrary to popular belief, running away, and joining The Circus won’t necessarily set you free…  These three thought ‘Hippo Suction’ wood bee an easy solution to shedding unwanted fatty deposits, only to gain the weight back again, because of their unhealthy life-style, trying to be noticed under ‘The Big Top!’  As you can see, harming it up, is not the answer to losing weight…

Begin With A Healthy Diet

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Don’t be fooled into believing that if not eating makes your body produce fat cells, then eating more will make you thinner.  As pictured above, a well-balanced diet is the key to a healthier you.  Listen to the wise advice of your parents, and eat everything off your plate, including the tin foil…

Exercise Regularly

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I actually bought my first pair of professional running shoes, designed to make you run faster for no apparent reason, from The Running Room!  I got sucked into paying a lot for them too!  Now you may or may not believe that running in a grueling marathon under the blistering, hot, sun, is a good idea for loosing weight…  But after throwing your guts up, and ending up rejecting Hospital food for three weeks, then yes!  You will lose weight!

Take Dietary Supplements

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As miraculous as this sounds, I saw this one girl snort this strange, white, powder, and she lost 57 pounds in one week!  I think she just primarily forgot to eat real food, and took to gnawing on furniture instead.  There are all kinds of ways to lose weight.  Follow my advice, and you won’t learn any of them!  Yes, too much of a good thing isn’t the answer either!

I say: Fitness Shmitness!  What’s so bad about gorging yourself constantly anyway?  Do Supermarkets have to close when you leave?  Are you: ‘One giant leap for Mankind!’ all by yourself?  Well take heart now, and swallow this CRAP!  Subcutaneous fat is beautiful!  ‘There’s just more there to love!’ 

Why lose weight when you can just hunt down another phat person?  At least you’ll look thin to each other.  Isn’t love still love no matter if it shifts the Earth out of orbit or not?  Even so, it’s more important just to have a good day…  So the next time another Elephant says she has a crush on you, she may really mean it!  And after all, isn’t love a kind of ‘Fitness Shmitness’ too?

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Just Wanted to Get This off My Chest

Introduction:

I once believed that The Law was there for our protection, and I’m certain that at one time or other, it was.  I was soon to discover however that laws aren’t really governed by The People, but rather, who happens to be in power at the time!  Laws can be overturned, dropped, or even completely banned for all time barring a civil war!  This came as a devastating shock to naïve, Minnie me!  Suddenly, my illusionary secure world became a little less secure, and most certainly smaller, and more vulnerable to many flaws within the fabric of our great justice system: Something we’re all supposed to depend on, and pay taxes to uphold!  What kind of monkey business IS THIS???

I was traumatized!

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 I just have to get this off my chest!  After them taking my license away for 3 full years now, considering I have no previous record, and I am not at fault here, but merely could not afford a Lawyer to prove that, and that even my appointed Lawyer was really working for the other side, my indignation over this event has been slowly building…

After all, when a man looses his driving privileges for life, this is no small event to him!  In fact, it’s like being sent to my room!  I tried to replace the event with something positive, like running to improve my health.  Yet whenever I run, I can’t help but keep thinking I could get there much faster with a car!  Let me just refresh you briefly on what happened:

  • I took a girl camping who thought I wanted sex…
  • I really just wanted her to romp through the forest and nibble on berries.
  • She told The Police to arrest me for an attempted rape I didn’t do.
  • I got in my car and tried to run away.
  • They caught up to my clunker on foot after I moved only five feet.
  • They said I was drunk, yet tested very low because it hadn’t had time to enter my system yet!
  • I told her that someday she may do this to the wrong person and be decapitated…
  • Apparently, The Law can’t distinguish between a threat, and a warning!
  • They threw the book at me…
  • The book hit me right in the forehead and now I have a goose egg!
  • A goose came in and asked me: ‘What gives you the right to hide my child?’

I’d just like to say in closing, that we are living in a Police State now, without any mercy or justice at all!  Prisons are NOT rehabilitation centers.  They’re cages where they keep the animals!  People there are bullied, beaten, and sexually abused!  This makes them nothing more than a breeding ground for Gays and Pedophiles…  When they’re released, they continue to prey upon our communities, only in a far worse way than they did before!

I have nothing against Gay rights.  The way I figure it, they can’t have children anyway, so they’ll eventually weed themselves out.  LOL!  Pedophiles however, prey upon our children!  This is something that The Government does, not us!  And all under the guise of: ‘To serve and protect!’  That’s what’s written on the side of our police cars.  What it should read is: ‘To swerve and reject!’  We should all fashion signs, go down to City Hall, and get arrested :O(  I’m  MADD!

Healing Hands

Introduction:

This will be a long entry because I am going to use the powers of suggestion to persuade you on the road to your own happiness!  And the only tool I will use for this, is the truth.  Never a more true saying has there been than: ‘The truth shall set you free!’  Nor will it be me that I ask you to believe in: only the facts that I present to you.  I require nothing from you.  I already have what I need to cure you of all that ails you, simply by harnessing the powers already present in your own mind!  So it is not I that will heal you, rather, you that will heal yourself!  All you need do to be free from all further pain in your life, is evaluate the facts I present to you…  Fair enough?

Hypnotism…

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Hypnosis is a natural state of consciousness. Although many people are not aware, you pass through a state of hypnosis every night when you are falling asleep and every morning when you wake up. Hypnosis is often described as a deep state of relaxation and one of the best feelings someone will ever experience. One hour of hypnosis is the equivalent to eight hours of sleep.

I have actually had this done to me in a live audience as well.  The Hypnotist starts out by asking everyone to close their eyes and spread their hands about a foot apart.  Then he rapidly tells you in several different ways, that you can’t help but feel a powerful force pulling your hands together.  Look at the picture…  That’s the power of suggestion!

http://marcsavard.com/about.php

The Placebo Effect:

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Pills…  How do you know what’s in them?  You don’t!  Do you?  If I wore a white coat, and used a Doctors office on his day off to give you some poison pills, you would faithfully take them, and be dead in 10 minutes…  Doctors have long known there are hypochondriacs among us: those who come down with every imaginary disease on the planet.  They may not really be sick at all, true enough.  Yet they believe that they are, and actually come down with symptoms because they believe they are sick so strongly!

The Doctor won’t try to argue with you that you really have no disease at all, and are perfectly healthy, because he knows you won’t believe him.  After all, you even feel sick!  So he gives you a sugar pill, stating that this will cure you of: ‘Pink Spot Gravis Disease’, if that’s what you think you have…  And low and behold, you are cured.  PRAISE JESUS!

Do Do That Voodoo!

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Words can heal you…  Or they can kill you just as easily!  I’m going to tell you a true story of a Doctor who had a patient that was perfectly well, yet thought he was going to die!  This Doctor already knew this was quite possible because he already knew of a man who was told that he had cancer, and would be dead in 2 months.  And sure enough, the man died right on queue: almost 2 months to the day!  They performed an autopsy, and discovered the cancer had gone into remission.  The man died simply of the stress of knowing he was going to die!  Are you fascinated yet?  No?

Well then, suppose someone held a gun to your head and told you they were going to pull the trigger…  You would be dead in 45 seconds, whether they pulled the trigger or not!  That’s because in your mind, you are dead already.  It’s caused by a total loss of security.  And your fast pumping heart will simply give up.  That’s how powerful the power of suggestion can be!

Anyway, this man looked extremely ill. had stopped eating, yet showed no signs of disease! When asked why he thought he was going to die, the man told the Doctor that he had visited a Voodoo Priest.  And when he turned to leave, the Priest called out his name.  So when the man turned around unexpectingly, the Priest blew some black powder into his face, and told him he would die soon!  Then he laughed an evil laugh: ‘HAHAHAHAHAHA!!’

So the Doctor paid a visit to the Priest, and asked him what was in the black powder…  The Priest said: ‘Do you really think  I would give him something that would trace his murder back to me?  The powder is harmless!  I kill the man with the powers of his own mind.  And for this, I can be accused of no crime!

With this, The Doctor knew that the only way to save the man was to make him believe he could lift the spell!  So he came back and told the man that he had visited the Priest, and that the black powder contained lizard eggs he had inhaled.  He told the man a lizard is eating you up from the inside out, and I must remove it quickly if you are to survive!

Then he gave the man a needle to make him sleep, but with something else in it to cause him to throw up when the anesthetic wore off.  Then he conveniently placed a bucket by his bed.  Just as he had hoped, the man awoke during the night, and threw up in the bucket, but it was too dark to see…

The Doctor then entered the room, took a lizard out of his pocket, and placed it in the bucket as he held it some distance from the man.  Then he asked the Nurse to light the lamp and bring it over to the bucket: ‘OMG!’ she said: ‘What on Earth is that?’  The Doctor then pulled the Lizard out, and showed it to the man exclaiming: ‘This was your killer!  And now it is out of you!  The curse has been lifted!  And sure enough, the man then recovered…

The Healing Power of Faith!

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Does God exist?  Wrong question!  Why do you always ask the wrong questions?  The question you should be asking is: ‘Do you believe He exists?’  Whether He does exist or not doesn’t matter.  What matters, is that if you believe that He does, statistically speaking, you will live a longer, happier life!  Why?  It’s because through your faith, you have relieved yourself of the stress that impending death inflicts upon you.  That’s why!

You see my delicate flowers?  If you believe you will go on living, as promised you by God, your mind will persuade you to do so!  If you believe that your reward is saved for you in Heaven via helping others, the stress of having to make money is lifted from you, along with all the risk of having money, and not knowing who your friends really are…  For that matter, who your enemies might be…

Does it sound practical to you that so many people would believe in God for no reason what-so-ever?  It is just our way of utilizing the powers of our minds to protect ourselves from harm imposed upon us by the very world in which we all must reside, one way, or another.  So I now pronounce you healed by virtue of the power of your own mind…  HEAL!

Top 10 Medical Advancements of The Decade

Medpage  Today

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The first decade of the 21st Century brought a number of discoveries, mistakes, and medical advances that have influenced medicine from the patient’s bedside to the medicine cabinet.

In some cases these advances changed deep-seated beliefs in medicine; in others, they opened up possibilities beyond what doctors thought was possible years ago.

ABC News, in collaboration with MedPage Today reached out to more than 800 specialists as well as a distinguished panel of medical historians to put together a top 10 list of medical advances one decade into this century’.

http://www.medpagetoday.com/InfectiousDisease/PublicHealth/17594

Top Trends for Health and Science for 2015

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2015 Trend: Diagnosing Disease through DNA

“This is the year that next-generation sequencing has come of age. We are gradually moving away from using it exclusively as a powerful research tool and we are starting to use it in the clinic. Detailed genetic analysis does not need to be done at large genomic centers anymore.  Small clinical, research, and public health laboratories can do it too.” 

— Charles Chiu, PhD, director of UCSF Viral Diagnostics and Discovery Center

http://www.ucsf.edu/news/2014/12/121901/top-trends-health-and-science-2015

‘UCSF is the nation’s leading university exclusively focused on health. Now celebrating the 150th anniversary of its founding as a medical college, UCSF is dedicated to transforming health worldwide through advanced biomedical research, graduate-level education in the life sciences and health professions, and excellence in patient care. It includes top-ranked graduate schools of dentistry, medicine, nursing and pharmacy; a graduate division with world-renowned programs in the biological sciences, a preeminent biomedical research enterprise and two top-tier hospitals, UCSF Medical Center and UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospital San Francisco.’

Dreaming with Meaning

A very valuable object lesson

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Dreams are a healthy release and lately I’ve been having a lot of them: probably do to my changes in health and lifestyle. In this dream I had last night, I and my former girlfriend were staying with another couple in a house that was dimly lit at the back yet curiously dark nearer the front of the house.

These people were murderers.  And we both knew they had bludgeoned other people before, and even saw one very brutal murder being carried out that they both participated in, leaving steams of blood on the walls of what they tagged: ‘The Killing Room’…  The dark exterior of the house was clearly stating: ‘No visitors allowed!  No prying eyes welcome!’

Since I had witnessed the crime.  The male of the duo one day stated emphatically to me that I was next on the list to be slaughtered.  I discussed this with my girlfriend and was adamant that we had to leave right away!  Curiously though, she was trying to talk me out of it, saying that it was just a bluff.  That he just said that in the heat of his anger about something or other, and that it was just an idle threat.  And I damn near almost believed her!

Upon taking up a lot of un-necessary time deciding upon what we were going to where for our getaway, we finally decided to dress casually.  We said we were going to the store and asked if they wanted anything.  To which we received an emphatic: ‘No!’ and then we left the house for good.  It was raining a real down-pour when we got outside but instead of it depressing me, I was grateful to be alive and surprisingly happy.  Homeless, but happy!

Interpretation

  • I apparently loved my prior girlfriend more than this one or I wouldn’t be dreaming about her.
  • We always like to believe the best of things so can sometimes be talked into some very dangerous situations.
  • Evil people are extremely deceptive and can even posses magnetic personalities.
  • Deciding what to wear was not nearly as important as getting out of there as soon as possible, obviously!  This tells me that sometimes we are unaware of the full implications of our decisions and can be so slow to implement them, as to effect the outcome in what could have been a disastrous way!  Acting quickly can be key…
  • Deciding to live with murderers because we were desperate to have a home is no excuse for being that foolish!  This tells me that we may compromise our position, even at the expense of our own lives!
  • My girlfriends naive approach toward the entire thing tells me that although she felt confident our relationship would work, she failed to account for one thing that caused me to resent her.  I like sex!  So even the extremely intelligent can sometimes be wrong!  Yet we’re so used to them being so right all the time, we’d follow them off a cliff if they happened to make that decision.
  • We are drawn to evil!  Perhaps it’s because of the mystery behind how someone can become so cruel, and so we want to know all about them.  Or, in some way we mistakenly believe we can change them somehow.  The saying: ‘Once a thief, always a thief!’ applies to serial killers as well.  In olden times, they cut off the hands of a thief so they couldn’t steal any more.  Maybe that what we should do with murderers instead of squandering tax payers money housing them in prisons all their lives.  It’s: ‘i before e except after c.’ So why is the word ‘their’ an exception?  We tolerate thieves today.  Perhaps we’ll tolerate murder as well one day.  Not a good thing!
  • If all this can emanate from a dream, perhaps we should head them more closely…
  • Are the homeless happier than us?
  • Never judge a book by its cover!

Monstrous Fitness Tips for 2015

Harping

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Actually, I’m not harping on you, in my case, I’m guitaring…  Truly, there’s no such word.  But if one can harp, it should be passed into law that one can guitar in response!  Fitness is a serious endeavor.  You only do what you talk about: it’s the people that call other people thieves and liars, that are thieves and liars themselves!  I am a health nut.  So that’s what I talk about.  Well, I do know other subjects: squirrels are fascinating!  You know?

Why I always harp on you about it is: ‘Tay-Koe-Nos-Koe’,  ( I know you mosquito! )  I love Spanish because it’s such an expressive language: very picturesque and romantic, with all it’s picturesque connotations and penetrations…  I’m wandering off topic.  Look!  Here’s human nature:  A person tells you they’ll do a thing and they probably won’t because they get to busy with other things and just forget.  But when a person says they won’t do a thing, it’s because they’re indignant about it.  That, they’ll remember!  So then they plague themselves with guilt (it’s a Catholic thing they spread like cancer), and end up doing the thing for you they said they wouldn’t do…  Backwards…

My point is this.  In spite of all our best intentions, we put things off.  We procrastinate.  It’s so ramped, it’s a national pass-time.  Never do today, what you can put off until tomorrow…  So I keep encouraging you to exercise because I know your life is at stake and we do love living very much indeed!  People do drugs which has been known to make them lazy.  They rationalize which makes them cut corners.  They misconceive which makes them think house-work is exercise.  There was a time I thought belching and farting was strenuous!  So I’m on you like a fly on a wall, only for your encouragement and well being.  That being said, let’s move on to the good stuff.  Shall we?  I really don’t know, because you never talk to me, so I have to guess what person is thinking what, and try to cover everybody.  I think that went well.  Don’t you?

Muscle and bone loss

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Once we pass 30, which flies up on you like a damaged Cessna, we begin to loose muscle and bone density.  And the old adage: ‘What you don’t use, you loose!’,  still stands after eons of mega-loss! Now if you’re past 50, you’ve lost so much muscle mass, that you’ll never carry a six pack unless it’s marked: ‘Coors Lite…’  If you’re younger than that, and you lift weights regularly, you’ll have women lapping water from your cat’s dish, just to be near you!

There’s this gorgeous girl of female persuasion, that visits Leslie nearly every single day.  She flirts with me, and she’s only 22!  I’m 62, and people say that I don’t look a day over 61 and a half. LOL!  She drools over the healthy soups I make, and has her own pup tent in my kitchen!  She worships the ground I walk on, and throws buckets of holy water at me because she knows I’m good for her.  So it rubs off.  I may not be a national hero just yet, but I am hers!

Tips for the weak and decrepit

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Now this guy is either in, or approaching his 60’s.  You’d be hard pressed to Tango with him because of his strength and stamina, and his connections to a Mafia King-pin.  His youthful exuberance and penetration, is the one thing nobody can take away from him unless they own a bazooka!  Don’t you want to remain horny?

You can also see that he’s still alert enough to do calculus and his fingers, and only wears glasses so he can see his nose! Someone left a frozen swimming pool in the background, with some guy there hoping to open but one more Mc. Donald’s Franchise…  Your youth is a treasure far beyond any financial gain.  Don’t throw it all away for a cheeseburger!  Throw it all away for Carmel Pecan ice-cream Yogurt!  That stuff is so good, I once ate a whole 2 quart tube of it, and turned into a human snot ball for over 3 hours!  It was dreadfully delightful at the time, but hardly worth it to me…  

So diet is all important to maintain that physique you work so hard for.  Replace all that meat with fruits and vegetables which actually taste better and have way less calories, are filling enough that you don’t feel like you have to continually eat all day, and has fiber to help keep you more regular, rather than large…  Why you could eat 2 onion, cucumber, and tomato sandwiches with half fat mayo on twelve grain (delicious) and only gain maybe 10 onces, removed by a glass of ice-water…   Hows that for weight control?

Happiness involves commitment

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Here’s a terrific blog via this guy in the picture with a really amazing article, pushing reasons for weight lifting:

https://dailyfitcoach.wordpress.com/2013/01/18/6-reasons-you-should-be-pumping-iron/

A bad back work-around for the tummy

Anyone with a bad back will tell you that sit ups are impossible for them.  I should know, I haven’t sat up in decades!  I have a real cool work-around for this that involves a bath-tub full of water, before you do your deep breathing exercises.  Bath salts are good to draw toxins from your skin, but to force crap out of your body, you can lie back and roll your tummy around 15 times a shot while you hold your breath and push down.  At first, you can hardly feel your stomach muscles moving at all.  After a little practice, you can really strengthen up your stomach muscles and easily flush out your colon daily.  I do 90 every 2 days, in 6 sessions, which takes all of 3 minutes.  

Then do 3 minutes of deep breathing exercises:  Fill your lungs with as much air as you can, hold it for 3 seconds, saying to yourself: ‘In with the good air’, then blow it all out with a flat tummy for 5 seconds saying: ‘Out with the bad!’  I don’t know why, but it works.  You’ll actually feel your lung capacity improve!  This makes for longer runs, and more stamina for your heart.  BTW, while you’re running, you’re not aging!  No one says you’re going to look like this:

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But you will get more oxygen to your brain and possibly raise your I.Q.  Also, lay on the floor for about five minutes afterwards, with your legs tucked up under your butt to prevent leakage, and let gravity and your own weight push against your spine.  You may even get a bone or two crack back into place.  A case in point: gravity removes the bags under your eyes if you sleep on your back ( The Royal Position )…  Butt I have a better idea…

Food for your face

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That’s right!  A couple of cucumber slices over your eyes for just 5 minutes every second day, adds collagen to your skin ( the stuff you get in expensive skin creams ) worth less than a cent!  I do it after my bath while I’m laying on the floor: ( I let people walk all over me! )…  Afterwards, I rub them all over my face, throat and hands.  This girl has been mistakenly sold some fake cucumbers, but as long as she’s happy, why tell her?

Well that’s it for my monstrous forking fitness tips…  I’m sure you’re all going to rush right out and run to Buffalo:  more like run ‘like’ a Buffalo.  Always remember though.  It’s your body, and you’ll only get out of it what you put into it.  Have a nice day, and go fork yourselves!