Fitness Shmitness

A Frame of Reference

Before I continue, (This post is so long already!) I’d just like to compliment our chickens for becoming vegetarians!  It shows what a high level of commitment, and fine example, our chickens have shown other chickens, worldwide…  Our chickens are courageous, now living on a free range, just the same way we used to bum around communes, I’m just glad I have the opportunity to present you with this malarkey, and have you swallow it: ‘Bone free!  As free as the wind blows!  As free as my toes knows…  Bone free!’

Just as a frame of reference, if our chickens can be this committed to a healthy life-style, then so can you!  Once we reach 50, our health becomes almost as important to us all, as is gambling, theft, and sapping the life-blood from our neighbors…  Not only are we committed to losing fat today, but finding it again tomorrow, as it migrates to another part of our bodies!  Join me now, as we take a trip down: ‘Bulbous Lane’, and find a way to keep from blotting out the sun!

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After just 6 weeks of regular exercise, and only one celery stick, you too can lose as much weight as the woman pictured above!  Notice the complete absence of fat, as well as one arm that looks too large from saluting people, as she commits to running 700 miles per hour, for just 15 seconds a week!  She says,  and I quote: ‘It’s all the time I can spare, so I have to make the most of it!’  What a fine physique you could have, if you’d only take this as seriously as a walking cadaver…  See?  This woman is so thin, she doesn’t even have a shadow!

Avoid Poor Choices

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Contrary to popular belief, running away, and joining The Circus won’t necessarily set you free…  These three thought ‘Hippo Suction’ wood bee an easy solution to shedding unwanted fatty deposits, only to gain the weight back again, because of their unhealthy life-style, trying to be noticed under ‘The Big Top!’  As you can see, harming it up, is not the answer to losing weight…

Begin With A Healthy Diet

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Don’t be fooled into believing that if not eating makes your body produce fat cells, then eating more will make you thinner.  As pictured above, a well-balanced diet is the key to a healthier you.  Listen to the wise advice of your parents, and eat everything off your plate, including the tin foil…

Exercise Regularly

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I actually bought my first pair of professional running shoes, designed to make you run faster for no apparent reason, from The Running Room!  I got sucked into paying a lot for them too!  Now you may or may not believe that running in a grueling marathon under the blistering, hot, sun, is a good idea for loosing weight…  But after throwing your guts up, and ending up rejecting Hospital food for three weeks, then yes!  You will lose weight!

Take Dietary Supplements

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As miraculous as this sounds, I saw this one girl snort this strange, white, powder, and she lost 57 pounds in one week!  I think she just primarily forgot to eat real food, and took to gnawing on furniture instead.  There are all kinds of ways to lose weight.  Follow my advice, and you won’t learn any of them!  Yes, too much of a good thing isn’t the answer either!

I say: Fitness Shmitness!  What’s so bad about gorging yourself constantly anyway?  Do Supermarkets have to close when you leave?  Are you: ‘One giant leap for Mankind!’ all by yourself?  Well take heart now, and swallow this CRAP!  Subcutaneous fat is beautiful!  ‘There’s just more there to love!’ 

Why lose weight when you can just hunt down another phat person?  At least you’ll look thin to each other.  Isn’t love still love no matter if it shifts the Earth out of orbit or not?  Even so, it’s more important just to have a good day…  So the next time another Elephant says she has a crush on you, she may really mean it!  And after all, isn’t love a kind of ‘Fitness Shmitness’ too?

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Don’t breathe: Oxygen Kills…

Introduction:

I was going to call this: ‘How to lead a good life’, but that might be misleading…  No need to look for trouble, it will find you!  The purpose of this entry, is to define the connection between staying young, and staying enthusiastic about living: because really, you can’t do one without the other.  Be prepared therefore, for a somewhat extensive introduction for a somewhat needful topic.  In fact, this whole post may skirt about so much preparation, as to consume this entire freaking entry!  fortunately for you, I don’t give a spit!  In this case, necessity is the mother of my intention.

In past articles concerning life or death, (there’s only the two choices) I’ve tried to emphasize that if you just try, anything is possible, BUT NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO ME!  So…  Greater emphasis on how to control the A-Bomb that seems to be exploding your guts all over my screen, seems to be in order…  We must shed our bad habits, and nuns, so that we may see the reasons to work on both physical, and mental prowess with greater gusto, (gusto?  What’s that?  An Italian wind?) so that the urgency of self-preservation become more real, with tangible results, making themselves a parent!  LOL!  And what better way to do that but through my own practice experience.

We all confront ourselves with the question, whether we’ll admit it or not, of whether or not God truly exists at all…  Scientists see a series of haphazard events, not so uncommon throughout the rest of the universe as to how and why life started.  If that’s true, and you only have this one chance, wouldn’t you want to take in everything you possibly can understand about the wide, wonderful world before you actually bite the dust, buy the farm, kick the bucket, find the subway…

And if God does exist?  I seem to recall Adam and Eva Braun, standing in: ‘The Garden of Hedonism’, refusing God’s gift of ‘Ever Lasting Life’, stating that we could accomplish that for ourselves, and God saying something like: ‘Go for it!’ and initiating a kind of ‘non-interference’ policy regarding human endeavor!  He didn’t laugh and say we’re full of spit!  Did He?  So…  It would seem by this, that God, a parent, Lea, has a good deal more faith in us, than we have in Him!  Either way, you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you!  And those who choose not to respect their life are also choosing not to respect God to!  Yes?

And we’re close!  Many in the medical profession believe that the person who will live to be 1000 years old, is already alive today!  So…  Part one here, is all about dropping our excess baggage, before we can even begin to slow the effects of aging!  It will be no easy task to abandon the CRAP we’ve come to know and love.  Perhaps even insurmountable when it all boils down to quitting zombie like drugs and fair weather friends.  The real friends would stay…  Maybe one, if that.

The Dream is Over!

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What did John Lennon mean by: ‘The Dream is Over’?  Quite simply, he meant that we should learn to wake up and start facing things as they really are: perhaps his way of saying not to put all your eggs in the same basket.  We learn by doing, not by praying.  Funny how people are!  Huh?

I’ve heard a person brag about their new-found health because they had quit smoking.  At the same time, they refused to give up pot.  That’s like avoiding to be hit by a car, so you can be hit by a bus!  Just one average sized joint (about the size of a football stadium), has the carcinogens of 10 cigareets…  So…  Two joints equal a whole pack of cigareets, so who’s quit anything in actual fact?  We rationalize our way through life to feel better perhaps, but we’re only fooling ourselves!

I was a zombie too.  Yet when I quit smoking pot and cigareets, and quit drinking, it was like I’d opened my eyes to a whole new world around me!  I was much more aware of my surroundings, able to actually think and feel again, and my angst simply vanished into thick air!  I was alive and I knew it!  Praise Cheeses!

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What say you now?  Does real change rest with the economy, education, global warming, immigration?  Or does it reside within each one, as a personal responsiblity to ourselves, and to everyone we encounter?  I’m not saying it will be easy!  It’s one of the hardest and scariest things to do in this life!  But it brings with it, love, peace, discipline, joy, understanding, and a much better altitude toward everything!

Yet there are those who will read this, and think I’m talking through my cap: dreaming the impossible!  They’ll see only flaws, and miss all the good parts because they accept nothing on faith or trust: believe nothing but the surface of things, only acknowledging weakness, not only barring themselves from giving love, but receiving it as well.  They will die alone, and be quickly forgotten because they never learned the one thing that could save them: ‘Compassion!’ Look it up…  And if you like surprises, Google it!

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Self Discipline…

Self discipline requires patience: you should never give up, not even once!  For this may be a fall from which you will never recover!  And patience requires not only will power, but a constant presence of mind, that you have a goal to achieve: and one after that, and one after that, and so on, until you become the person you wish to be.  Patience also requires faith and trust in yourself to begin saying: ‘No!’ permanently to falsehood, and: ‘Yes!’ permanently to achievement…  And the greater the reward, the longer it takes to achieve it.

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There’s that dirty ‘self discipline’ phrase again!  And that stupid: ‘I have the word SUCKER tattooed on my forehead!’ compassion, has also raised its ugly head!  Tolerance means:  I LOVE YOU!!   And I’m going to put my hand into this burning fire until you say YOU LOVE ME…  …  …  …  ALRIGHT i HATE YOUR GUTS!!’ – Frank Goshen imitating Kirk Douglas.  That’s how difficult holding onto tolerance can be!  But if you lose it, your antagonizer has won!  If you must, think of them as a pesky irritant you will one day whack with a fly swatter.  Meanwhile, be tolerant!  Tolerance, as you may have guessed by now, is why you must develop patience first.  Forgive, and you will be forgiven!  Put your heart into it…

What’s all this have to do with the title?  Well, when you exercise, you take in more oxygen.  And the more oxygen you take in, the more free radicals it makes in your body, until it overwhelms your body’s defenses and does damage to your DNA.  When enough damage is done, you die.  The technical term for it is called:  ‘oxidative stress.’

So you see?  I didn’t lie!  Stop breathing now!  LOL!  This leaves us hopefully prepared for part 2, which promises to be much more interesting for you I trust.  Meanwhile, contemplate what I’ve said here and of what significance it has for you.  Have a whopping great day, and remember: Don’t breathe: Oxygen Kills…  Any queries?

Anatomy of a Band

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Introduction:

More than just: ‘Let’s do this…’

It can be a great illusion when people frefer to members of a band as: ‘Players’…  To say that we ‘play’ an instrument is an understatement.  Good Musicians let their instruments play with them!  Just look at what you can set up on an amp now-a-days, and you begin to get some idea of the different set ups and effects one can achieve.  This is my larger ‘Pevey’ amp.  It pumps out 30 watts (whats?).  Well it does some serious power amping, and can sound ranchy, normal, echo, time delay, and a host of other combinations.  This is definately an amp you find yourself fiddling with a lot!  So for one thing, you have to be a bit of a technician.  It does have a memory bank listed at the bottom of the picture above, as presets 1, 2, 3, and 4…  That way, you can easily flip to a sound you need.  To start to find a normal sound, you have to start by setting your ‘stompbox to: ‘Bypass’ so no effect is in fact in effect.  There’s a bypass on the ‘effects’ knob as well…

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My Babies

Touch and Percision

I prefer greatly to play an electric guitar as apposed to an accustic one for a few reasons.  One of which is that the action (how close the strings are to the neck), is far better.  The strings are more flexible on an electric, and because of the many sounds and stumming techniques that just won’t work well with an accustic guitar.  Yet this is the least expensive of my worries.  It is an Epiphoine copy of a Les Paul, and cost me $700 three years ago.  His name is : ‘Edward’…

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This is: ‘Clairabelle’  She’s been my girl for 22 years now.  She’ has great curves and comes onto me more often than not!  She is a special addition Martin.  Only 24 of these were made.  She uses up a lot of my energy, so I like to use her for soft songs of romance and murder…  This guitar, I bought in Detriot for $3500 American.  Sometimes we have sex when nobody’s lookin!

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Singing can be exhausting!  Some songs are so fast, that you are literally tapped of breath by the time you finish them!  However, I seem to bewitch myself when I sing, which only adds to the flavor of my voice.  I’m greatly pleased how quiting smoking so greatly improved my depth and range!  As any real band member will tell you: playing music while you sing, is really a form of exercise.

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Then There’s the Getting Along Part

Sometimes I just wanna rip their heads off

Above is a picture of Two Dogs and me…  Notice that he’s left handed so our guitars face in oposite directions.  Sometimes Two Dogs refuses to harmonize, or looses it or something.  So I like to call him: ‘Tone deaf…’  Sometimes he looses where he’s going on guitar as well, and it really pops my cork!

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Here is a picture of The Mad Man’s drums…  Sort of…  He does have a big set with lots of symbols, and sometimes a tamborine on the high hat.  Him I have to correct when he tries to tell use what amps to use.  Two Dogs Bass amp puts out 120 watts.  There’s no reason he needs to use my equipment.  So I tell him to go wait for a bus!  ‘Find an Out-house to sniff!’  Something…  If he starts shouting at me, I just smile and it makes him laugh.

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Timing is Everything

No!  It’s 1, 2, 3, 4!

I would rather be out of tune and in time than the other way round.  If you aren’t ‘tight’ as a band, you may just as well pack up and go home.  There are six amps because we use two for mics…  Our dream is to get a real PA system and a Mixer. The Mad Man is apparently going to buy the PA system and have Two Dogs and me pay him back our share on a payment plan.  Boy!  Will he ever be mad when we tell him we only have a grand total of $1.27!

Here is a gallery of print sized jpgs., inluding these, in case you want to print anything or shink it to desktop size, sell them and make a small fortune.  I wouldn’t mind a few million bucks of my own ya know!  I’ll bet you every band’s favorite Beatle song is: ‘The One After 909′  LOL!  Apparently, the band: The Decrepits’ will have a new member soon.

Monstrous Fitness Tips for 2015

Harping

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Actually, I’m not harping on you, in my case, I’m guitaring…  Truly, there’s no such word.  But if one can harp, it should be passed into law that one can guitar in response!  Fitness is a serious endeavor.  You only do what you talk about: it’s the people that call other people thieves and liars, that are thieves and liars themselves!  I am a health nut.  So that’s what I talk about.  Well, I do know other subjects: squirrels are fascinating!  You know?

Why I always harp on you about it is: ‘Tay-Koe-Nos-Koe’,  ( I know you mosquito! )  I love Spanish because it’s such an expressive language: very picturesque and romantic, with all it’s picturesque connotations and penetrations…  I’m wandering off topic.  Look!  Here’s human nature:  A person tells you they’ll do a thing and they probably won’t because they get to busy with other things and just forget.  But when a person says they won’t do a thing, it’s because they’re indignant about it.  That, they’ll remember!  So then they plague themselves with guilt (it’s a Catholic thing they spread like cancer), and end up doing the thing for you they said they wouldn’t do…  Backwards…

My point is this.  In spite of all our best intentions, we put things off.  We procrastinate.  It’s so ramped, it’s a national pass-time.  Never do today, what you can put off until tomorrow…  So I keep encouraging you to exercise because I know your life is at stake and we do love living very much indeed!  People do drugs which has been known to make them lazy.  They rationalize which makes them cut corners.  They misconceive which makes them think house-work is exercise.  There was a time I thought belching and farting was strenuous!  So I’m on you like a fly on a wall, only for your encouragement and well being.  That being said, let’s move on to the good stuff.  Shall we?  I really don’t know, because you never talk to me, so I have to guess what person is thinking what, and try to cover everybody.  I think that went well.  Don’t you?

Muscle and bone loss

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Once we pass 30, which flies up on you like a damaged Cessna, we begin to loose muscle and bone density.  And the old adage: ‘What you don’t use, you loose!’,  still stands after eons of mega-loss! Now if you’re past 50, you’ve lost so much muscle mass, that you’ll never carry a six pack unless it’s marked: ‘Coors Lite…’  If you’re younger than that, and you lift weights regularly, you’ll have women lapping water from your cat’s dish, just to be near you!

There’s this gorgeous girl of female persuasion, that visits Leslie nearly every single day.  She flirts with me, and she’s only 22!  I’m 62, and people say that I don’t look a day over 61 and a half. LOL!  She drools over the healthy soups I make, and has her own pup tent in my kitchen!  She worships the ground I walk on, and throws buckets of holy water at me because she knows I’m good for her.  So it rubs off.  I may not be a national hero just yet, but I am hers!

Tips for the weak and decrepit

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Now this guy is either in, or approaching his 60’s.  You’d be hard pressed to Tango with him because of his strength and stamina, and his connections to a Mafia King-pin.  His youthful exuberance and penetration, is the one thing nobody can take away from him unless they own a bazooka!  Don’t you want to remain horny?

You can also see that he’s still alert enough to do calculus and his fingers, and only wears glasses so he can see his nose! Someone left a frozen swimming pool in the background, with some guy there hoping to open but one more Mc. Donald’s Franchise…  Your youth is a treasure far beyond any financial gain.  Don’t throw it all away for a cheeseburger!  Throw it all away for Carmel Pecan ice-cream Yogurt!  That stuff is so good, I once ate a whole 2 quart tube of it, and turned into a human snot ball for over 3 hours!  It was dreadfully delightful at the time, but hardly worth it to me…  

So diet is all important to maintain that physique you work so hard for.  Replace all that meat with fruits and vegetables which actually taste better and have way less calories, are filling enough that you don’t feel like you have to continually eat all day, and has fiber to help keep you more regular, rather than large…  Why you could eat 2 onion, cucumber, and tomato sandwiches with half fat mayo on twelve grain (delicious) and only gain maybe 10 onces, removed by a glass of ice-water…   Hows that for weight control?

Happiness involves commitment

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Here’s a terrific blog via this guy in the picture with a really amazing article, pushing reasons for weight lifting:

https://dailyfitcoach.wordpress.com/2013/01/18/6-reasons-you-should-be-pumping-iron/

A bad back work-around for the tummy

Anyone with a bad back will tell you that sit ups are impossible for them.  I should know, I haven’t sat up in decades!  I have a real cool work-around for this that involves a bath-tub full of water, before you do your deep breathing exercises.  Bath salts are good to draw toxins from your skin, but to force crap out of your body, you can lie back and roll your tummy around 15 times a shot while you hold your breath and push down.  At first, you can hardly feel your stomach muscles moving at all.  After a little practice, you can really strengthen up your stomach muscles and easily flush out your colon daily.  I do 90 every 2 days, in 6 sessions, which takes all of 3 minutes.  

Then do 3 minutes of deep breathing exercises:  Fill your lungs with as much air as you can, hold it for 3 seconds, saying to yourself: ‘In with the good air’, then blow it all out with a flat tummy for 5 seconds saying: ‘Out with the bad!’  I don’t know why, but it works.  You’ll actually feel your lung capacity improve!  This makes for longer runs, and more stamina for your heart.  BTW, while you’re running, you’re not aging!  No one says you’re going to look like this:

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But you will get more oxygen to your brain and possibly raise your I.Q.  Also, lay on the floor for about five minutes afterwards, with your legs tucked up under your butt to prevent leakage, and let gravity and your own weight push against your spine.  You may even get a bone or two crack back into place.  A case in point: gravity removes the bags under your eyes if you sleep on your back ( The Royal Position )…  Butt I have a better idea…

Food for your face

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That’s right!  A couple of cucumber slices over your eyes for just 5 minutes every second day, adds collagen to your skin ( the stuff you get in expensive skin creams ) worth less than a cent!  I do it after my bath while I’m laying on the floor: ( I let people walk all over me! )…  Afterwards, I rub them all over my face, throat and hands.  This girl has been mistakenly sold some fake cucumbers, but as long as she’s happy, why tell her?

Well that’s it for my monstrous forking fitness tips…  I’m sure you’re all going to rush right out and run to Buffalo:  more like run ‘like’ a Buffalo.  Always remember though.  It’s your body, and you’ll only get out of it what you put into it.  Have a nice day, and go fork yourselves!

My Favorite Things

  1. Favorite color – Olive green
  2. Favorite food – Steamed spinach with a little half fat Becel margarine
  3. Favorite drink – Water
  4. Favorite exercise – Running
  5. Favorite car – Honda CV 
  6. Favorite toy – Canon D5 SLR
  7. Favorite pastime – Photography
  8. Favorite sport – Tennis
  9. Favorite actress – Jennifer Connelly
  10. Favorite actor – Liam Neeson
  11. Favorite culture – Japanese
  12. Favorite sexual position – Doggy style
  13. Favorite TV show – Futurescape
  14. Favorite movie – Spartacus
  15. Favorite hobby – Astronomy

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Relax #2

Meditating Dragonfly

Meditation:

This should be a smooth transition into a state of heightened consciousness.  We do this through feeling rather than thought. Thought is merely the controlled medium by which one transcends our position in place and time.  Only in this way can healing take place, so the doors of wisdom can be opened freely, anyplace, anytime.

My favorite Beatle lyrics express my technique admirably: ‘Turn off your mind, relax and float down stream.’  This is exactly where I place myself: with cool, clear, rushing water to envelope me, the sun upon my face, and the shoreline slowly drifting by.  Here, I am at peace.  Here, I control what I feel, rather than the environment around me.

Accidental Discoveries

Adrenaline Rush

1.  It sure puts Speed Freaks to shame, I can tell you that!  I got very angry at Leslie today.  When this happens, I turn her own arguments upon herself, and this is very hurtful to her.  Although, she has a wonderful mechanism called tears!  Most men have a hard time to cry.  It’s not a lack of emotion responsible.  It’s this craving we have for the adrenaline rush.  Over an extended period of time though, it taxes your heart and will lead you into serious problems: death being a very likely one, when carried on for days!  The body simply has no choice but to shut down when as life giving thing as important as your organs shut down.  When one goes, the rest follow suit.  In point of fact, I believe a man’s inability to shed tears is what contributes largely to his early demise.

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Wait just a moment though!  Your heart rate quickens, your breathing speeds up, you burn calories, is this not really a form of exercise, without exercising?  No.  Like I said, we reach a point where we can no longer exercise, where the body tells you to slow down so we can cool down.  Even sweating is the bodies first attempt to cool us off.  So, while you’ve tried convincing yourself to calm down and persuade yourself it’s not so big a deal, your body is telling you otherwise.  The flight or fight response is triggered to resolve your problem, not keep it going.

So you keep your wrists under cold water in an attempt to slow down your heart and cool your core temperature, and this doesn’t work!  So you sit there still fuming taking jack-ass deep breaths, and that doesn’t work!  So you lay down flat on the floor and try to relax, and that doesn’t work!  Why?  It’s because the trouble isn’t in your body in general, it’s in your mind. So what you must do, is concentrate on something else.   Blogging is an excellent way to leave this rage behind!

We are like miniature stars throwing off heat and gases.  If we burn brighter and longer, our engine at the core will burn out faster.  This is one accidental discovery I made today:  Cold is bold!  Hot is not!

Roller Man

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2.  How would you like to be this guy?  Unfortunately as backward thinking as we are, all the shots of him riding close to the ground, where all the action is for him, were all too tiny.  And the shots of him going nowhere, like some ridiculous Super Hero are what I must use to convey the thrill of the ride.  The detail of his suit is important, though a wheel has malfunctioned on his left outer knee.

Notice the wheels on his chest?  Well, he has them on his back as well.  Normally though, he travels fast low to the ground, without the wind resistance, and can achieve speeds as great as 126 mph!  This is faster than most cars are allowed to highway drive by law!  And with your eyes less than a foot off the highway, this looks very,very fast!  You get the adrenaline rush, via flight response where heartbeat can be regulated much more easily, when you’re in control of the situation.

He invented it himself, and is able to make turns, simply by shifting his butt in the direction he wants to go.  How much does one of these really cool Iron Man outfits cost?  $10,000!  A ridiculous figure, designed to attract people with large bank accounts: a dangerous proposition for people who have lost their sense of value: a resource your life respects…  However, build it and they will come!  A profitable accidental discovery I made today, for the engineer in you!

Artistic Flare

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3.  I did NOT choose this image for its aesthetic value!  Rather to discuss how realism can spring from simplicity rather than complicated, puzzling eye candy.  Adobe Illustrator has a function in it where you can adjust the smoothness of the lines you make.  At first glance, we think, what a novel idea for us shaky handed old fuds!  And it does indeed have it’s place for free flowing expression on a tablet.  I use The Intuos 3,  9″ x 12″ to transfer work to my screen,  Whatever I draw or paint there, determines a lot about eye hand co-ordination on my monitor.  Trees, just a little closer than the bushes on the hill, look roughly the same size.  So I drew various lines speeding up my approach and slowing down.  When I slowed down, as I passed my pen, hills more resembled mountains.  So put your shakes to work this way, as this is one of the most difficult tasks for Artists to make look real, regarding drawing and painting of landscapes.  Thank you for your attention…

We have been taught in school, that straight lines are good lines.  Ummm…  That’s English class, not Art class, so the two arise a conflict of interest within us all.  In nature, nothing is smooth, save the man made, straight dirt road you see in the picture.  So Man?  Straight lines.  Nature?  Curved erratic lines.

What I discovered accidentally, while I was jotting down to important medicines that capitalize on anti-aging to research, My old, shaky hand was about to draw a line to separate it from something else in my note-book.  So knowing my hand was going to shake, I did not attempt to draw a straight line.  I decided, as long as they’re separated, who cares?  And depending on the speed at which your pen crosses the page, I just let’r rip and presto: perfect background rolling hills, subtle enough to be more convincing than if you tried to achieve the same thing slowly, with your nerves removed from the process.

So it’s not always the best idea to turn this nerve catching feature on in Illustrator.  Sometimes, reckless abandonment is really the order of the day!  Other things to notice in this simple picture, are that grass becomes more detailed in the foreground, and that sandy hills produce bushes, not trees. Try a few practice runs, and you’ll confirm my hypothesis.