Welcome to Your Colonoscopy…

Introduction:

I don’t want to alarm you, but before I begin, take two extra strength Tylenol, and have somebody standing by with a defib. kit, just in case your heart stops!  Send the women and the children out for ice-cream delights!  Please make sure that your Last Will and Pestilence is in order…  You’ve just turned 50 and you’re planning a celebration, when suddenly the doorbell rings: ‘PING PONG!’  And you receive this strange letter that says to read in private if you don’t want to humiliate yourself!  So you run into the bathroom and rip the thing open with your gums, and there is the sentence you’ve been dreading for all of your entire life: ‘We want to look up your bum…  Welcome to your Colonoscopy!’  So you stare over at your toilet bowl and mutter to yourself: ‘I knew that should have come with built-in suction cups…’  And there in that moment, all your plans to go to a rave all night, pop pills, and pretend your 14 again, are suddenly vaporised into a cloud of green gas!  Hey!  Who didn’t flush?  It really stinks in here!

There’s Nothing to Really be Afraid of…

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What could possibly be so bad about a simple 45 minute procedure?  You know?  I’m glad you asked!  If you do drugs (which includes sleeping with Mary Jane), you could be awake during the whole thing!  They’ll give you a needle in your butt cheek anyway, just to make it look like their following procedure.  Yet through all of your screams of excruciating pain seem to go unheeded: as though they believe, if they ignore you, you’ll think you’re just dreaming this…  Well believe you me, this is no dream!  You’re wide awake, and this is a nightmare!

Well at least you’ll be able to keep your dignity.  Right?

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Wrong again kidney breath!  Everyone gets to watch what’s up your bum on close circuit TV!  You may take the Tylenol now… Nurse: ‘With 3D imaging, it’s as though you’re right up there yourself!’  Doctor:  ‘That’s right Nurse Ratchet.  Kodachrome in all it’s glory!’  Nurse: ‘Is that his appendix Doctor?’  Doctor:  No way Nurse!  That’s his penis…’  Nurse: ‘HAHAHAHAHA!  Oh gracious me!  That tiny thing?’  Doctor: ‘Don’t worry Nurse…  This picture has been magnified by 3000 times!’

It’s Just a Little Thin Thing Though…

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Here’s the little, thin Python right here…  You do know where your appendix is.  Right?  Well that’s where this little nipper is going to.  And if it find a polyp, they will NIP IT!  NIP IT IN THE BUD!  And see those silver markings all around the coiled snake?  That’s how far the Doctor pushes it to each time.  And each time he does, you’re gonna go:: ‘AAAHHHRRGGGG!!’

So What’s a Polyp Here or There?

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Wrong again smarty no pants!  Just take a look at this map and tell me that they won’t have to send out for pizza, while they discuss you butt sticking up in the air: your nut sack dangling helplessly!  And uh…  Did I say anything about women not having to go through this?  Do you here crickets?  What’s that?  You think I’m finished now?  Better get those paddles juiced up, cuz we’re about to come to the finally here: the most vicious, disgusting, pathetic part of this whole thing!

They then take you to what they call: ‘The Fart Room!’, where other Colonoscopy patients are busy releasing their gas as well!  AND THEY KEEP THE WINDOWS CLOSED!!  The Nurse will tell you:  Go ahead and flit all you like!  Everybody does it!’  I can’t tell you of your chances.  All I can tell you is this…  It’s going to be one Hell of a Birthday celebration!  That’s for sure!  I’m not going to dick around here!  Everything will be OUT THERE!  And I do mean EVERYTHING!

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People think I’m sucking off the system because I’m disabled, when it was in fact the system that disabled me…  People are generally judgemental and self assuming…  Most are envious and suppose I lay around all day sipping lemonade.  Nothing could be farther from the truth!  Work is where you find it, and I do quite a lot without any pay at all.  Not my fault they can’t spell: ‘Career’…  That doesn’t look right…  How do you spell ‘Career’? I do the things I love to do: all of it involves work.  Who needs pay when you have a purpose higher than serving people fatty cow meat?  There’s an ethical question involved too, and a competence factor…  People are always promoted to just the position they can’t master: I see more people suffering as a result of how they’re treated in society via a lack of responsible, congenial, competent public servants, administrators, Doctors, Dentists, etc..  So my theory is:  Everything is backwards… 

If you’re sick for instance, how do they expect you to have the energy to go to a Doctor?  There was a time when they came to you!  What logic is there in fighting disease when you cram people with various viruses in the same waiting room?  In Queens English, work doesn’t work!  Why is it that Tennis Players make millions every year for playing a ‘game’, and construction workers can’t afford to buy their own homes?  Backwards!  You want fair? If everyone helped everyone else, no one need suffer for goods and services at all! 

Those who clean your offices keep the air clean so you don’t get sick!  How are they less valuable than highly paid Scientists who just sit around and think all day?  We tell people not to smoke, and then sell them cigarettes!  What kind of backward CRAP is that?  I tell you, the whole system has to be wiped out, and revised!  If you work a day, you should have a day off to pursue other interests rather than them owning you lock, stock and barrel! (barrel?)  How did that get in there?  Help me build my house, and I’ll help you build yours, rather than someone who didn’t do the work should occupy…  So backwards!!  What say you?

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What’s The Big Idea?

Some People Just Don’t Want to Listen!

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The big idea is: The greater your obligation toward the public, the greater the necessity to be trained in public relations…  Yet Doctors (in general) for instance, have such large egos, that they couldn’t possibly imagine you might know what’s wrong before they assess you themselves: as if it were their body and not yours!  You don’t have a cold…  You have a Rhino virus!  Leaving one to wonder:  ‘How did I come in contact with a Rhino anyway?’

What if I were to tell you that their agenda isn’t to cure you at all, but to keep you as a cadaver that walks, so you’ll keep returning, to keep them, and The Government well-heeled?  You however, will never be healed!  After all, a real customer is someone who keeps coming back!  Right?  Feather more, what if I were to tell you that it’s just as likely for any one of them, to be just as crazy, as anyone of us?  And to make matters worse, ‘crazy’ is not always so easy to define…

Backward Thinking…

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I have periodontal disease from all the years of smoking!  One of the reasons I stopped, was to save my tooth!  LOL!  Anyway, I just got a new Dentist.  To me, it was like trading in a Porsche, for a Model T…  His head is buried because he can’t see that teeth, and gums go together.  He thinks I just have teeth!  So he taps my teeth, and because they don’t hurt, he says there’s no infection.  Meanwhile, my gums look like a mouth full of balloons!

Even his demeanor was very condescending!  I tell him I need something for the pain, and he says he don’t see pain…  So I asked him what pain looks like if it’s not crawling up my face right now…  And he said I’m not giving you anything because there’s nothing wrong with you.  So I asked: ‘May I please just have some antibiotics for the infection then?’  and he said Periodontal disease doesn’t cause infection: ‘I’m not a Pharmacy!’ he said…  Gee…  Could’ve fooled me!

His name is Dr. Katz…  With that I said: ‘I know just how to deal with you Dr. Quacks!’  So I sicked the little woman on him!  And what does the A-Hole finally do?  He writes me out a prescription for ibuprofen!  I don’t need him for that!  It’s an: ‘over the counter’ drug that would shut down my liver before it could even come close to touching this kind of pain.  I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink…  I could moan though.  I’m a very good moaner!  From there, I went straight to my Doctor…  He said I could have went to jail for kicking up such a fuss!  So…  For sticking up for my rights, and trying to save my life, I’m the bad guy huh?

Physician Heal Thy Self!

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So how’s this for logic?  My Doctor looks in my mouth, and right away, he sees my gums are infected.  So he gives me an antibiotic and, Tylenol 3’s with codeine.  The Tylenols cause constipation, so the idea here, is to cure my infection while my body fills up with excrement.

The instructions suggest I exercise to relieve the constipation.  Meanwhile, my stomach is bloated up like a basketball because I have an ulcer, had to double up on the Tylenol 3’s and ibuprofen, so I feel like I’m gonna up-chuck!  It’s 3 am., and they recommend I run downtown!  Hence, I have to go back to see the Doctor, which is just what he was shooting for!

My other half has managed to accumulate six Doctors over the years, and she is sick as a dog!  Everything was hunky Dorrie,  (Hunky Dorrie?  I didn’t know a Dorrie could be hunky!) until she started going to Doctors!  She goes to a Dentist too, and guess what?  Now she has no teeth!  Aren’t Dentists supposed to save your teeth?  Aren’t Doctors supposed to improve your health?  God forbid you should ever need a Lawyer!  And don’t complain, or you will!  What’s the big idea?  If you have one, I’d like to hear it!

Nut’s Aren’t Born

Two things about nuts:  One thing is, that it may be unwise to provoke one!  And the other, is that your right nut is connected to your heart.  So I guess the theory is, if I squeeze my right nut, I’ll remember a heart throb…  I do know my nose is connected to my butt cuz, whenever I go in the washroom to make a deposit, my nose runs!  Yes!  Nut’s aren’t born, they’re made!  Case in point:  The people at my Pharmacy failed kindergarten!  I call them up because they ‘again’ messed up my prescription which they failed to fix the last time they messed it up, right away demoting them to the status of : ‘Moron’. 

Then after my telling her she made the same mistake before, she tells me that’s not what the script says, which now demotes her to imbecile, because it was because she had failed to correct the prescription the last time.  So I call that: ‘Not doing your job’ which most people would fire you for.  But they ‘are’ the boss and unlikely to fire themselves.  They also have dominion over you because they produce Government capital and are there on the side of the law, right or wrong, and they can call The Police, there to serve and protect stupidity and ignorance wherever it may be found…

So now I must demote these Imbeciles to Simians because we called back after no results, only to find she had faxed my Doctor, who just happens to be about 20 feet away.  OK?  We now have to point out to her that I could turn into an earthquake and crumble into a million pieces, unless she squares this away now: again, incompetent at doing her job!  And now they’re trying the: ‘Ignore them and they’ll go away’ tactic, which unfortunately makes monkeys that much smarter!  I’ve never seen a Pharmacy so devoted to keeping you from getting your meds, though many come close! 

The haunting question I have for you is:  Do you really want a bunch of nut bars, maniacs, screwballs, murderers and mushroom factories sprouting up all over your neighborhood?  I mean, besides prisons, if you want a breeding ground for lunatics, you’re going about it the right way!  Now, I think I’ll go watch some porn…  Nut’s aren’t born, they’re manufactured.  If you want a sane world, you’d think you’d petition The Government to change its screwball ways…  I’d do it myself, but they’re part of The System too…  Maybe we need a new one?  Someone guide me to: ‘The New System’ Comity please!

 

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Healing Hands

Introduction:

This will be a long entry because I am going to use the powers of suggestion to persuade you on the road to your own happiness!  And the only tool I will use for this, is the truth.  Never a more true saying has there been than: ‘The truth shall set you free!’  Nor will it be me that I ask you to believe in: only the facts that I present to you.  I require nothing from you.  I already have what I need to cure you of all that ails you, simply by harnessing the powers already present in your own mind!  So it is not I that will heal you, rather, you that will heal yourself!  All you need do to be free from all further pain in your life, is evaluate the facts I present to you…  Fair enough?

Hypnotism…

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Hypnosis is a natural state of consciousness. Although many people are not aware, you pass through a state of hypnosis every night when you are falling asleep and every morning when you wake up. Hypnosis is often described as a deep state of relaxation and one of the best feelings someone will ever experience. One hour of hypnosis is the equivalent to eight hours of sleep.

I have actually had this done to me in a live audience as well.  The Hypnotist starts out by asking everyone to close their eyes and spread their hands about a foot apart.  Then he rapidly tells you in several different ways, that you can’t help but feel a powerful force pulling your hands together.  Look at the picture…  That’s the power of suggestion!

http://marcsavard.com/about.php

The Placebo Effect:

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Pills…  How do you know what’s in them?  You don’t!  Do you?  If I wore a white coat, and used a Doctors office on his day off to give you some poison pills, you would faithfully take them, and be dead in 10 minutes…  Doctors have long known there are hypochondriacs among us: those who come down with every imaginary disease on the planet.  They may not really be sick at all, true enough.  Yet they believe that they are, and actually come down with symptoms because they believe they are sick so strongly!

The Doctor won’t try to argue with you that you really have no disease at all, and are perfectly healthy, because he knows you won’t believe him.  After all, you even feel sick!  So he gives you a sugar pill, stating that this will cure you of: ‘Pink Spot Gravis Disease’, if that’s what you think you have…  And low and behold, you are cured.  PRAISE JESUS!

Do Do That Voodoo!

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Words can heal you…  Or they can kill you just as easily!  I’m going to tell you a true story of a Doctor who had a patient that was perfectly well, yet thought he was going to die!  This Doctor already knew this was quite possible because he already knew of a man who was told that he had cancer, and would be dead in 2 months.  And sure enough, the man died right on queue: almost 2 months to the day!  They performed an autopsy, and discovered the cancer had gone into remission.  The man died simply of the stress of knowing he was going to die!  Are you fascinated yet?  No?

Well then, suppose someone held a gun to your head and told you they were going to pull the trigger…  You would be dead in 45 seconds, whether they pulled the trigger or not!  That’s because in your mind, you are dead already.  It’s caused by a total loss of security.  And your fast pumping heart will simply give up.  That’s how powerful the power of suggestion can be!

Anyway, this man looked extremely ill. had stopped eating, yet showed no signs of disease! When asked why he thought he was going to die, the man told the Doctor that he had visited a Voodoo Priest.  And when he turned to leave, the Priest called out his name.  So when the man turned around unexpectingly, the Priest blew some black powder into his face, and told him he would die soon!  Then he laughed an evil laugh: ‘HAHAHAHAHAHA!!’

So the Doctor paid a visit to the Priest, and asked him what was in the black powder…  The Priest said: ‘Do you really think  I would give him something that would trace his murder back to me?  The powder is harmless!  I kill the man with the powers of his own mind.  And for this, I can be accused of no crime!

With this, The Doctor knew that the only way to save the man was to make him believe he could lift the spell!  So he came back and told the man that he had visited the Priest, and that the black powder contained lizard eggs he had inhaled.  He told the man a lizard is eating you up from the inside out, and I must remove it quickly if you are to survive!

Then he gave the man a needle to make him sleep, but with something else in it to cause him to throw up when the anesthetic wore off.  Then he conveniently placed a bucket by his bed.  Just as he had hoped, the man awoke during the night, and threw up in the bucket, but it was too dark to see…

The Doctor then entered the room, took a lizard out of his pocket, and placed it in the bucket as he held it some distance from the man.  Then he asked the Nurse to light the lamp and bring it over to the bucket: ‘OMG!’ she said: ‘What on Earth is that?’  The Doctor then pulled the Lizard out, and showed it to the man exclaiming: ‘This was your killer!  And now it is out of you!  The curse has been lifted!  And sure enough, the man then recovered…

The Healing Power of Faith!

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Does God exist?  Wrong question!  Why do you always ask the wrong questions?  The question you should be asking is: ‘Do you believe He exists?’  Whether He does exist or not doesn’t matter.  What matters, is that if you believe that He does, statistically speaking, you will live a longer, happier life!  Why?  It’s because through your faith, you have relieved yourself of the stress that impending death inflicts upon you.  That’s why!

You see my delicate flowers?  If you believe you will go on living, as promised you by God, your mind will persuade you to do so!  If you believe that your reward is saved for you in Heaven via helping others, the stress of having to make money is lifted from you, along with all the risk of having money, and not knowing who your friends really are…  For that matter, who your enemies might be…

Does it sound practical to you that so many people would believe in God for no reason what-so-ever?  It is just our way of utilizing the powers of our minds to protect ourselves from harm imposed upon us by the very world in which we all must reside, one way, or another.  So I now pronounce you healed by virtue of the power of your own mind…  HEAL!

How to Manage Depression without Drugs…

Indisputable Evidence

http://www.lef.org/Magazine/2014/6/A-New-Way-To-Manage-Depression-Without-Drugs/Page-01  It’s kind of scary to know that 1 in 10 Americans suffer from depression.  What’s even scarier is the big list of 119 reported side effects from conventional medicine’s approach to the disease.  When you read through it, you immediately feel that a depression pill is the last thing you want to take.  Be sure and take a close look at his eye opening article. 

Before this, I was reading an article about how the medical community in general is actually dead set against doing anything to improve or change the slow, methodical way they’re killing us, rather than saving lives which they are sworn to do.  Here, below the picture, is an excerpt from this page containing the URL listed below…

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Assembly Line Medicine

‘Cancer patients are being deprived of lifesaving therapies by oppressive bureaucracy, physician apathy, insurance company denials, and inflated medical costs. Find out how cancer victims can circumvent today’s backwards oncology system to improve their odds of long-term survival.’

Remember how I’ve always been telling you that everything is backwards?  What say you now?  <Insert Crickets> Here is the URL for that article:  

http://www.lef.org/Magazine/2014/10/Assembly-Line-Medicine/Page-01

Though the above site discusses ineffective and risky Cancer treatments, it still focuses on how and why Physicians are causing more harm than help; how backward the entire medical community is concerning all things medicine, and not just depression!  This is precisely why I’ve been researching natural cures rather than chemical masks that only result in a worsening of your condition.  Have you not noticed that you weren’t as sick before you started going to a Doctor?  The above picture, is that of Prozac pills...  What do I keep telling you about this new, modern world of ours?  ‘Backwards’… 

Rant # 2014

I can’t think when surrounded by stupidity!

    You know?  This has been a very grievous problem, with the Canadian Government imposing such strict restrictions upon who, where, what, why and when you can pick up your medication.  If a person is off by a day or two to receive their medication because of unforeseen circumstances; like me trying to quit drinking for example.  I shake like a leaf, and so naturally, I had to take a little more Clanazopam.  I could die if I stop taking that stuff!  And my Pharmacist is a strict follower of The Government, and in my book, nothing more than a puppet on a  government string, that is killing people with full permission, and I just so happen to disagree!

So when I explained my problem to him and that he can just give me a couple of days worth, so he can stay out of trouble.  And wouldn’t you know it, he said: ‘I can’t do it!  I have to follow rules and regulations!’ (Spoken with a Korean accent) .  So I said: ‘Oh, that’s right, you’re with THEM!’ and walked out figuring I’d get Leslie to handle him.  So she called, and I went back.  And again, he took his time and served a customer that came in after me, first.  Then he went into his spew again about he has to listen to The Government and how he can get into trouble!

So I told him: ‘You are already in trouble my friend!  There are people coming in her for their Meds., that are a lot worse off than I am!  If you’re going to deny them their medication ‘for psychotics’, for want of a day?  Don’t be surprised if one day you leave work, and get a knife shoved up under your ribs!

That proved to me that he’s a chicken poop as well, which got my dander up even more, so I continued: ‘You have to learn to think for yourself and assess each situation you confront, with courtesy and professionalism, understanding the full implications of what you do or don’t do!  That’s your job!’ Then I picked up my little government controlled baggy, and began to walk away.  He spoke after me: ‘If you don’t like the service here, you can take your business someplace else!’

So I turned and queried: ‘What did you say?’ (insert growl tone in my voice)  So I marched quickly back to his counter: ‘Smashed my fist down on his count and said in a dull roar :  ‘DON’T YOU EVER, SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY AGAIN!’  Then I held my arms up to dangle from my elbows, and pulled them up and, as if they were on strings and said calmly: ‘This is a public store.  We own it, because we paid our taxes, and allowed businesses like this, to flourish!  And you sir, ARE AN IDIOT!!  Then I walked out with no comment from the peanut gallery…

And yes!  I am taking my business someplace else!  I’m taking it to the Pharmacy right beside my Doctor’s Office.  Then, if he gives me a hard time, I’ll rag on to my Doctor about how he’s killing people on behalf of The Government in front of his Jewish waiting room packed with patients that are really just there for pills…  Then, when I get kicked out of their, I will carry my cause until I get tired!  Then I’ll rest up and do it again!  I like an audience :O)

You are neither hot nor cold!  You are Luke warm, so I spit you out!’ – Jesus Christ  (And it’s not a swear!  I’m just calling Him…  )  All Canadians take arms  Take action!  They’re killing us off right before our very eyes!  Someone notify: ‘The Department for Depressed People’, to run downtown and get some more donuts and coffee!  Next thing you know, we’ll be offering (orderves?) to Putin!  AND THIS IS A CRUMBY DICTIONARY!

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