My Big Fat Award

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Hi;  I’m not here, not to thank WordPress, for an award I didn’t receive, for not being here for three years now!  Yay…  I’d also not like to thank the 40 million people on WordPress that don’t know I’m not here, nor could they give a rat’s ass, which neither do I.  Thanks for nothing!  As you can’t see, I’ve been in a real big hurry not to present this from three days ago…

My six loyal fans will tell you that it’s been a real trick for me to have them show up all at the same time, to laugh at my tripe.  Apparently, some people who’ve received no likes at all, have been jealous of my good fortune, spending less and less time here over the last three or four months:  I don’t care which.  I can’t tell you what this means to me.  There are children present!

So go away, don’t bug me, and I won’t even notice that nobody was ever here in the first place.  Feather more, I’d like not to acknowledge that Google doesn’t know I’m here either.  And Frankly, I Shirley am not insulted by what little intelligence I have left.  So, in closing, it has certainly been the thrill of a lifetime talking to myself!

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Accidents Will Happen…

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The odds of a plane smashing into a care a fairly remote yet, accidents will happen!

 

Chain Reactions

The real creepy part about accidents for me, is that they always seem to happen in three’s for me:  First, I lost my friends, then I lost my glasses, and then I lost my footing, which deserves a whole paragraph of its own.  Anyway, this particular set of events have been life changing for me, and if there’s one thing a depressoid doesn’t need, it’s menopause!  If I put my moody boots on, I shut down, so it’s very important for me to remain as I am: ‘A level 5.3 Earthquake…’  Or in my case: ‘Earth-quack.’

There’s a real spooky accident that happens to everyone every seven years.  The cells in our bodies have completed one entire cycle of death and rebirth, except for one crucial problem.  Whenever your body replicates its DNA code, it suffers a loss to be able to accurately do so, in much the same way jpg files tend to deteriorate when you recopy them over and over, until the code is so muddled the computer (your brain), can’t open the file (you), and you die.

As you know, I’m 63 now, and my code has successfully turned over for the ninth time ( 7 x 9 = 63), so mathematically anyway, I was bound to screw up in a way that I wouldn’t normally have!  This in turn gives birth to my next paragraph…  (postponed do to a temporary coma.)  Please keep in mind that the crucial element to this toxic mix, is my awareness of the environment around me, or rather, lack there-of…  Guess I failed to account for gravity :O(

 

The Human Projectile

 

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This accident happened to me the very day I decided to start running again, after three torturous weeks not running because I’m depressed and stuffing myself with: ‘Carmel crunch ice-cream yogurt’…  See, according to my calculations, because it said 97% fat free, I could easily eat fifty 2 liter tubs a day without getting fat.  Boy was I wrong!  It has a lot of sugar, and sugar you don’t burn off, turns into fat.  It’s not that I’m naive.  It’s that I stupidly convince myself everything will be OK or else Chapman’s Ice-cream would get sued for false advertising.  Little was i aware, people like this form of suicide!  OK!  I’m naive…  Did you know that naive spelled backwards is: ‘evian’?  Just a heads up for people who drink bottled water.  I’ve tested it, and yes, it is tap water!  I’m flying off topic here!

So here I was, a month ago, this porker, from 10,000 tubes of lying ice-cream yogurt, and I swear, if you undressed me, I’d look just like an uncooked turkey running down the street!  As I’m running, at full tilt, I see swarms of children in front of me that have just been let out of a movie theater at the top of the street.  Three boys straggled behind and just so happened to be hoarding the entire sidewalk.  So what do they know?  they’re kids!  Right?  Anyway, I just made one foot-step on the grass, to go around them, and suddenly, I was I human projectile!  I twirled through the air!  I twirled over their heads, and landed on the cement in front of them, right on my rib cage!  Fortunately for me, my momentum, and the fact that I was twirling rolled me onto my bulbous stomach, preventing me from breaking my ribs!  Also fortunate for me, was that it was on my left side, which is not the side that I sleep on.

My Doctor gave me nothing for the pain: just sent me home with a free sucker and told me I’d survive!  And I’m sure I suffered psychological brain damage!  (2 + 2 = 5).  See?  The next month saw only excruciating pain, mostly to breathe, so I stopped doing that for as long as I could…  I breathed shallow, couldn’t run, got more depressed and ate more yogurt ice-cream to feel better momentarily while sustaining a watermelon of a stomach at the same time: one, huge gas ball which gravely affected my ulcer!  I feel better after three consecutive days of running…  What did I trip on?  A rusted sewage pipe sticking up over the ground, camouflaged by over-grown grass.

Anyway, That’s the BS I’m presenting as to why I’ve been off-line for a month.  Oh!  I have one other piece of CRAP!  We had to step down on our internet payments, so now I must conserve time by composing my blogs on Live-Writer while unplugging my modem, and having to plug it back in and wait fro it to reboot when I want to find a picture or comment to a comment.  So please don’t think I don’t care, though I don’t, it’s just that I couldn’t see, couldn’t stop shaking (unless I’d like to vegetate and I don’t want to do that), couldn’t breathe and have less money because everything keeps going up in price!

Not to worry…  Other than the the bottle of saturated animal fat I was force fed yesterday, I’m back to my usual death by enjoying the pleasures of life, accident prone self.  Sorry for the inconvenience, and I’ll see you when it’s financially equitable for me.  Please send your donations to:  Total Loser, 999 Booby-hatch Drive, etc..  At least with my last three accidents, I had the human decency to fly off my 10 speed first!  Comments are welcome on why you think you’re a klutz…

We’ll be Right Back after this Brief Message!

Analyzing a Commercial

I don’t understand!  It’s like, you get 2 minutes of programming, and 5 minutes of commercial.  Is anyone even manning the station?  Or is it just on one continuous loop?  And we, are the Suckers, (a synonym for: ‘audience.’  I know of one Lypozine commercial where Bob wants to lose weight but doesn’t know how…  Then Bob must be an Idiot because he’s too stupid to ask questions.  And we are Suckers because if we’ll buy that, we’ll buy anything!  We don’t stop to ask ourselves why they must spend $100,000 to advertise their product during prime time.  It’s because they can’t get anybody to buy it any other way.  Dah!  And it must work, or why would anyone advertise anything?

The trouble is, what we buy, pretty much determines whether we want a good deal, or will pretty much buy a cheap, Hooker for a saw buck!  See, how I would work it is, I’d have one channel with a big list of commercials on it.  And if you’d like to watch a commercial, you just choose it from the list. 

Else wise, I can’t remember when the last time was, that I wanted anything they had to sell on TV.  It’s all either about getting rid of pimples, or buying a car: the two very things I should be wise enough by now, not to worry about!  Whenever a commercial comes on, I automatically channel hop to an all movie network, and preview them for 5 minutes…  Soon you’ll be able to print whatever you want anyway.  I wonder if that means we could be seeing the death throes of: ‘The Boob Tube Generation?’  I mean, even the programing sucks now!  Now it’s all about watching somebody else at work, or crime, violence, and sex shows like: ‘Criminal Minds, Miami CSI’….  Too many Hero criminal aprehender shows…

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Most of what’s in Supermarkets, is made of corn…  What do we care?  As long as it’s ‘Gooood!’

Prey for Me!

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Lettus Prey…

Dearest Daddio;

Thanks for the free Blue Ray Player so I can watch 300 new movies!

Thanks for teaching me how to Cha-Cha, and be a flap happy Clown!

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Help take care of my stupid friends!

Make me wise enough to become greedy!

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I know that you are all powerful over me!

I really enjoy the wine, weed and magic mushrooms, all strictly organic!

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I ask you forgive my many rechid, disgusting, unfathomable sin carnage!

But you have to admit that I eat everything that moves!

Lastly, thank you for my good looks! – Awe Man!

Blogging for Beginners (Part#1)

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Introduction

This part conveys information about blogging materials or ideas about what to blog about, to hopefully dispel some of the road-blocks to blogging that many experience.  Part #2 will concentrate on the inner workings behind your new blog: how one may go about customizing it and utilizing the space available to them, for their advantage.

I got curious enough to enter into Google: ‘Blogging Definition’ and got back 18 million results.  Seems there’s no shortage of opinion as to just what blogging is all about, so I chose the top one which states as follows:

‘a website containing a writer’s or group of writers’ own experiences, observations, opinions, etc., and often having images and links to other websites. 2. a single entry or post on such a website: She regularly contributes a blog to the magazine’s website.’

I believe there’s a lot more to it than the above encapsulation because one might blog about little known facts, poetry, songs, other peoples blogs, health, recipes, science…  You name it, we blog about it.  Yet how does one consider just what most people are interested in reading about?  That’s as least as important as techniques one might use to compose a blog entry.  Those are the two most important questions I shall answer for you here:

  • Topics of General Interest –  Obviously ‘Blogging’ is a topic of interest.  Believe it or not, even experienced bloggers sometimes grapple primarily with what captures the interest of their peers.  What’s spooky, is that we’re all interested in each others social interactions in general, and sometimes we’re a little hesitant about presenting the awkward side of that coin.  The hard part is, that’s the side of the coin we’re all intrigued about.  Chances are, if it’s about something easy to handle, others can handle it easily as well, and won’t be interested.  
  • Captivate your audience – If it is about an experience, it had better be intriguing!  It had better keep your audience guessing about the outcome until the end, or why need they keep reading?  It ought to contain a climax and an anti-climax.  That is, it should gradually build to a crescendo, and then be summed up with an object lesson that everyone can gain from this ‘unusual’ experience.
  • Start at the beginning – A lot of people complain that they have a topic in mind, but don’t know where to start.  Start with a subheading called : ‘Introduction’.  Generally and briefly explain what your blog entry is going to be about.  Do this by answering the five W’s of all journalism: Who, What, When Where and Why.  Then use your post to elaborate on them.  This will not only give your audience an overview to follow, it will also help you to set up how you intend to explain the order of events and prioritize your approach.
  • Condense and confide – Try not to be to wordy about any one thing.  Always get to the point, and don’t forget to ask your readers what they think about your conclusions and opinions about the matter.  This allows the reader the confidence to comment, if they believe you have an open mind about it.  Most people don’t have a lot of time.  That’s why it’s good to mix up your entries with, picture quotes, recipes, poems, songs, short stories and humorous antidotes: because they’re short.  Some people buy books for the pictures?  No!  You can compose some long posts as well, as long as they concern complicated topics designed to instill confidence, such as blogging…
  • Be controversial – No one’s going to care about the ins and outs of tying your shoe laces!  Talk about how you handle, sex, murder, ignorance, injustice, community affairs, prejudice, world shaking events, what’s wrong with what’s right…  Make bold assertions, and suggest solutions.  What do people like to watch on TV generally?  Blood, guts, intrigue, survival, humor, war, intrigue, mystery, suspense, violence, a good horror shtick?  Or how well little, johnny did on his essay?  Just be sure to be unbiased that’s all.  Do you think black Americans have too many special privileges?  You can say so without calling them dirty, or saying you think  they have a low I.Q. or commit all the crimes on Earth: arguments of the closed minded…  People will agree or disagree with you.  But at least it won’t be boring milk toast!  To pose pertinent questions, you’re just going to have to shoulder some amount of risk.
  • Take full advantage of point form – And use ‘Bold’ on the points you expound upon as I did here, to give your audience the option of quickly jumping to the part of the post that interests them most!  It saves them time, and you aggravation for lack of likes.  In other words, don’t underestimate the value of properly formatting your entry…  Examples of point form posts may include: ’10 ways to overcome fear’ or ‘The 10 best movies of 2014’…  If you’re not sure, you’ll be surprised how quickly they come to you, once you begin.
  • Find topics over The Internet – That’s what it’s there for!  Don’t copy it word for word.  Make reference and give the website if it’s extensive.  Or, read through it quickly, and write about it, developing your own opinion.  Since we all crave pictures so much, I start a lot of my searches with ‘pictures of’ and ‘picture quotes by’ famous people that tend to captivate audiences, such as: Johnny Depp, Morgan Freeman etc..  They didn’t get famous by sitting on their butts all their lives!  They’re hard working, intelligent people who usually have something worthwhile to say.
  • People enjoy ‘How to’ posts – Em…  As long as it’s not about how to tie your own shoelaces…  ‘How to comment’ or ‘How to avoid sarcasm in 3 easy steps’ etc..  Something that’s going to grab peoples attention.
  • Feature and reblog other people – But don’t just concentrate on that alone, or you’ll loose your own identity.  To many people just concentrate on one subject in an attempt to write very little, and therefore narrow their audience to people who like to read very little about you!
  • Don’t knock yourself out – Don’t build your life around blogging or you’ll become a Drone!  On those days you don’t feel like blogging, those are the days you can just through up a quote, or jot down a spontaneous 5 minute poem.
  • Don’t forget The Reader – Post first.  Then go to The Reader.  Comment often in a sensible and helpful manner if need be.  Commend them for their efforts, give them likes if they deserve them, and chances are, they’ll reciprocate on your blog
  • Build upon your followers in other ways as well – Become involved on other forums such as: Facebook, Twitter and Google+…  Leave comments and pictures there as well.  Build up a rapor (STINKING DICTIONARY!) with them, and make some friends before mentioning your blog and include reference to a post, only about once every two weeks or so.  This is a case where: ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’ really DOES apply.  If you keep bugging them to come, they’ll purposely avoid you.
  • Believe in yourself – If you don’t believe in yourself, how do you expect anybody else to?  You must exude an air of confidence, encouragement, kindness, humor, whit, make suggestions, composure, promote ideas, lead the way, and set it by example…  Look at what everybody else does, then don’t do it!  Be unique.  Stand apart from the crowd and walk the road least traveled.  It’s a lot less crowded there, brings people’s attention to you, and causes everybody else to quip: ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

In Conclusion:

This is the anti-climax I was talking about.  Be free spirited, observe others blogging techniques, and learn from them! Speak from your heart, yet don’t forget to back it up with common sense and reasoning.  Don’t be overly religious or political.  I know I’ve said before that those are the two things that control us and therefore should be talking more about, but you can’t fight City Hall.  People set up huge road-blocks against that because they choose to decide for themselves, and that’s the name of that tune…  And it IS cheesy to pedal your goods over a basically free forum.  The people who do that, can be found in your spam queue.  Give stuff away freely!  The Internet used to be like that once.  Keep in mind people have to pay for a connection in the first place, and own computers that essentially come to them broken and vulnerable.  It doesn’t mean you’re a Sucker!  Well, if you’ve gotten this far, at the very least, you’ll read a lot of blogs.  ‘May good fortune smile upon most of you…’ – Spartacus

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‘Till We Meet Again

I Must be Moving On

‘The greatest loss in life isn’t death.  The greatest loss, is what we loose while we’re still alive!’ – Norman Cousins.  Isn’t it funny how the best laid plans of mice and men get a crinkle in them, just at the time you plan to implement them?  Day before yesterday, My ‘Stats’ went through the roof!  Sixteen of you viewed 12.44 of my posts.  That’s amazing!  Now I know that at least 16 of you out of my 254 followers, are truly interested in what I have to say!  Of corpse you big shots out there, might not find that significant at all.  I, on the other hand, consider that an entire class room, including myself!  I owe you all a warm hearted thank you, from the bottom of my feet!  And you know I mean that!  Here’s the screen shot:

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The Facts of Life

Since I got my new operating system up and running, I’ve been able to download pictures now.  Plus my programs for design and Illustrations are also available to me.  I’ve been grappling with Painter 2015 help file: some 1200 pages of gobbled-y goop I must get the general jist of, if I’m to familiarize myself with the program.  Plus I’ve been doing the million and one things I need to do everyday to take care of my health, looking after my Love Goddess: ‘Satan’s Imp’, handling all the cooking and housework, run errands and pay bills, and taking care of Bone Head, what thinks it lives here, and there are only so many hours in the day.  Meanwhile, there’s over 350 posts you can meander through at your convenience.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I plan to bring you more pictures and learn Illustration, I’m going to have to vacate the premises for a while.  That is, at least until I find myself smooth sailing in these other aspects of exploration which are just as important to me as blogging is!  I will show up from time to time with a brain storm, if I ever get one, but will generally be absent for a while.  These are just the facts of life.  I can’t be an omnipresent God just yet.  Gee!  Wouldn’t ya know it? Just when things were beginning to look up for me.  I am extremely pleased by this too!  Just at a loss to juggle all that I have on my plate just now.  I do trust my true friends will wait for me… ‘Til we meet again…

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