The Difference Between Boys and Girls

  • Give a girl a tube of lipstick, and she’ll paint her lips and play: ‘Dress up’…
  • Give it to a boy, and he’ll use it in his coloring book!
  • Give a girl a stick, and she’ll marvel at the wonders of nature…
  • Give it to a boy, and he sees a gun!
  • Boys have a messy room!
  • Girls have a messy room, but it’s a good smelling mess…
  • Girls learn to talk before boys…
  • Boys first learn to make machine gun sounds!
  • Take a girl to Church, she’ll be humbled to learn about God…
  • Take a boy to Church, and he’ll manage to jump in every puddle on the way there, and back, even if you’re driving!
  • Boys may grow their nails because they forgot to cut them…
  • Girls grow their nails to dig them into boys arms!
  • If a girl should belch, she wouldn’t dare come out in public…
  • If a boy should belch, he immediately follows up with a dozen fake ones!
  • A girl knows when to speak, and when to be quiet…
  • A boy will fart in a sleeping Ministers face, just for a laugh!
  • If you throw a girl a ball, it will bounce off her nose…
  • If you throw a boy a ball, he’ll try to catch it, and it will bounce off his nose!
  • Girls like to play: ‘House…’
  • Boys like to burn houses down!
  • A girl will sit quietly in school, and listen intently…
  • A boy will run around the room all day pretending he’s a helicopter!
  • A girl will help a blind man cross the road…
  • A boy will wait until the light turns red, and take a picture of him being hit by a car!
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Listen up, and listen up good!

This is for all you fony balogna ‘friends’ out there…  I know you want perfect people, and I’m not that, so get lost!  This includes: ‘Amy Rose!’  I’m cleaning house right now.  I got rid of the steaming tea bag, Romeo (Bonehead), cuz he’s just a mooch off me, and I probably will ditch Leslie too, cuz she’s just a lying bitch-witch!  Anybody else wants to cross me, you’ll see what you get!  Let’s get one thing straight right now…  I don’t ‘need’ any of you!  I’ve got enough imagination to keep me busy on my own for a lifetime!  So go ahead and act like them, and see what happens to you!  I’m my own person!  You don’t like it?  Piss off!!

The: ‘Eat Flab’ Miricle Diet…

Hi Friends! 

Are you tired of grazing on your front lawn, digging for grubs, weeds, and roots, when you just know, that somewhere, someone, is sinking their milk-teeth into a cow?  Have you dashed out the door for exercise at 6am., only to wind up on a park bench, sleeping until the sun goes down?  Does the dial on your bathroom scale read ‘0’ when you try to weigh yourself?  Do you look like this?

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Well worry no more!  Our Scientists have been working now for 15 years without sleep, and have found a previous unheard of way to put some meat on your bones.  Through intensive, sloppy observations of real, glutinous, pigs, we have finally found a way of having you look like ‘The Blob’ in not time!

Step One:

Overweight guy on couch, in front of the TV,  drinking beer and eating popcorn

Our Scientists (all graduates from Holy Cross Public School!) went to real, fat people’s homes, studying their inactivity for 15 years without sleep, and concluded that drinking beer while watching TV, is an excellent way to heap on valuable flab within the span of a football game!  Isn’t that amazing!

Step Two:

As a valuable consumer of everything, we’ll send you this authentic beached whale!  Actually, it’s just a shot of a sardine in a tin, through a macro lens, but the two look very similar!  All you pay, is shipping and handling… Eat 40 lbs. of nutritious flab a day to achieve desired results… Our Scientists, still sleepless in Seattle, have conclusively proven that a healthy 6 inches of blubber shields one from the cold, and readily absorbs high impact projectiles!

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Step: Three:

Enjoy the new you!  The envious will call you rude names like: ‘Slim’ and ‘Gorgeous’…  That’s why, if you act later, we’ll double our offer of absolutely FREE! That’s two FREE’S for the price of one!  Don’t be a gaunt, nothing, forging for plant life, when our fatty deposits are linning supermarket freezers, just waiting for you to gorge on, including the packaging!  Why exercise when it only makes you hungry anyway?  Help keep our planet in a stable orbit!  Join the millions who’ve already joined The: ‘Eat Flab’ Miricle Diet!  Comes with optional fibralator and oxygen tank.  Don’t be skinny and sickly looking a moment longer!  Get flab today!

Directly to you, from our team of advanced Scientists at Country Style Donuts…

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I’m Afriad I’m Chicken!

  • People eat a lot of chicken: Gobble gobble!  How do I know if a chicken’s gutlessness hasn’t somehow been transferred to us?
  • I’m afraid of the dark!  Can you just imagine what a chicken could do to you in the dark?  They’re gutless cowards!  All of them!
  • Sometimes I pass in front of a mirror, and become horrified at the hideous portrait of Dorian Grey!
  • I’m not afraid of dying…  I’m afraid of how much it will hurt!
  • I’m not afraid of Sumo Wrestling…  I’m afraid of that big, knot at the back of your arse!
  • What am I going to do with all these wooden nickles?
  • I’m afraid global warming will harm our environment while a thief picks my pocket!
  • I’m not afraid of swimming…  Just as long as the bathtub is certified as non-cumbustable!
  • I’m not afraid of going to The Moon…  I’m afraid I’ll like it there!
  • I must be afraid!  It’s my duty as a Chicken!
  • If you ask me: ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’, I just think of a horrible accident!
  • Well lately, my head has been bobbing back and forth when I walk…
  • I find myself constantly yelling: ‘BUCK BUCK BUCK, BUCK OFF!’ at the check out counter of Supermarkets!
  • The sky is falling!
  • WHAT’S THAT???  Oh…  It’s OK…  It’s only my own shadow…
  • One time during a black-out, I thought I went blind!
  • If you’re ever in a pinch, you can always count on me to run away and hide in a corner!
  • I’m afraid of what’s under the water…  I won’t even go in the ocean without a pot-belly stove, and someone from The Oceanographics Institute!

My Sci-Fi High

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I know I’ve seemed a little distant of late…  In fact, I often wander to a place that looks completely unfamiliar, just to get away from it all!  Sometimes I’ll even put a ‘WARNING: Radioactive’ sign on my front door, lock myself in the bathroom, and curl up in the sink!  The problem is being able to unfurl!

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It’s just that lately, I’ve developed halitosis, and a terrible skin rash, so I’d rather keep to myself…  Yes age has taken its tole on me! I think I’m losing weight in my face! One good thing though.  I still get horny on Humpday!

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I sometimes find myself with the odd, fully armed Insurance Agent…  Other than that, I still have my ruins to be comfortable in.  Have to learn to curb that temper of mine!  As you can see, my body is becoming spotty and my nails are getting long.  There comes a time when one must consider their own mortality…

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So I wrote out my: ‘Last Will and Anthrax’…  Now,  I know what you’re going to say: ‘You Twit!  You don’t have to consider that for at least another 3 months!’  I know what I’m doing!  OK…  Maybe that’s disputable in a Court of Law!  But here in my Den, I must go by the law of my evil twin…

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I know some of you think of me as a bit of a snake at times…  That’s not true!  This picture was taken 30 years ago!  Anyway, thanks for being my: ‘Internet friends!’  I truly depreciate everything you’ve done for me!  Until our next venerable meeting…  Toodle Ewww…

Welcome to My World Part #2 (An Urgent Need for Greed)

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The Blind can’t see!

We left off where my telescope had just arrived.  The price left my Mummy sitting on the side of her bed, downing a handful of pills, with a bottle of Scotch, repeating over and over: ‘Why don’t I just shoot myself?’  I was a little skeptical too.  Anything that was invented in the 1600’s, isn’t it out of date?  It’s a sausage, with a piece of glass.  How good can it be?

The label on the other side said: ‘Batteries not included!’  In those days, everything said: ‘batteries not included’ whether it needed batteries or not.  Why, I opened up a piece of: ‘Double Bubble’ gum once, and sure enough!  Inside, written on the wrapper? ‘Batteries not included!’  And you didn’t get double bubbles at all!  They just said that so you’d buy two of them!  Anyway, <Pfffffffffft!> anything you buy is BS!

I thought the scope might stink too!  The manual stated: ‘Congratulation on your new Acme purchase!’  It goes on:: ‘Tripod can’t walk!’  Well if it can’t walk, why did they give it legs?  What a useless feature!, It continued: ‘Galileo’s original scope!  We just polished it up with rust remover agent: vitamin B12…  Included, is a 44. Magnum for an easy exit!’

Exploring Planet Saccharin…

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Next thing I know, I’m, fumbling around in the dark, trying to read a manual that doesn’t glow in the dark at all!  So how are you suppose to read the thing?  They never think these things through.  So I got my flashlight out that lit up the: ‘Batteries not included!’ sign enough to sort of see it.  

‘Use the lowest power eye piece to view stars with. (That’s the one with the most millimeters on it).’  Well if it has the most millimeters, why is the power lowest?  They got the thing in reverse, just as always!  Later that evening, the neighbors called the Police, charging me with aiming a bazooka at their window!  I was later sentenced to wash their window, and walk their poodle what peed on my leg :O( 

Then: ‘Turn focusing knob until stars appear as pinpoints like they do with the unaided eye…’  Well if they look the same either way, why do I need a telescope?  Einstein goes on: ‘To view the planet ‘Saccharin’, with it’s rings in all their glory, use the other eye-piece, with lower millimeters,,,’  There was only one choice left ya daffy conglomerate of self appointed Twits!  Even at sharpest focus, Saccharin just looked like fuzz, with a bulge on either side.  Right up until I was 16, I thought Saccharin was a Smurff!  My parents bought me a toy magnifying glass…

Back to my Mummy!

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‘Mummy’ I said: ‘Put down that razor blade and listen to me!  I wanted a real Telescope like the one on Mount Rushmore!’  ‘Please!’ Mummy begged: ‘We’ve only got $1.27 left, and we need bologna!’  ‘ALRIGHT THEN!’  I ranted: ‘I’LL MAKE MY OWN FROM A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES AND A TOILET PAPER TUBE!!’ I stormed out of the room screaming: ‘I HOPE YOU TURN INTO A NICE PERSON!!’

Then I ripped the arms off my pet and said: ‘There! try and eat now!’  I got down on my knees, and said: ‘Lettuce Prey…  Lard?  Please forgive my Mummy who is an Idiot!  Use your powers to get me a Microscope now, so I can have an excuse to suck the life blood from her in the name of research?  Do this small favor for me, and tomorrow, I’ll brush my teeth! – Amen’ 

I was so depressed at that point, I just didn’t care for my life anymore, which had now become meaningless, and futile without a million dollars!  So I went outside, and laid down in front of oncoming traffic.  A guy stopped in front of me, and shouted out his window: ‘GET OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD YA JERK!!’  At that, I went to the nearest Hospital, walked into the middle of an operation and said:  ‘I wanna be a Brain Surgeon!  Teach me!’  Here’s a picture of my pet: ‘Sundance’

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My Step Stool Dad gives me a Tape Recorder for Christmas…

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I had to wait three whole weeks!  In the mind of a child, that’s close to eternity!  I was afraid I’d age rapidly and miss out on eternity! The instructions said: ‘Hold face close to machine, and speak into hidden microphone.  (If it’s hidden?)  Anything recorded, will sound just like it does in real life!  If it sounds the same, why not just listen in real life? It said: ‘Use fast forward to sound like real chipmunk…  Batteries not included’

That was the last straw!  I smashed it into the wall!  And ya know what?  It recorded the whole event!  My Mummy was so upset, she made me glue it back together with my own ear wax!  I phoned her from the Hobby shop while in search of my Butterfly Net, (The only thing I could weasel out of her after that).  The cheap Alcoholic! 

I got the answering machine.  In those days, was just my repaired tape recorder…  I recognized my Mummy’s voice: ‘At the sound of the shot, please leave a brief message, and my Undertaker will get right back to you…’  Next: ‘The True Meaning of Pest Control’…