Fitness Shmitness

A Frame of Reference

Before I continue, (This post is so long already!) I’d just like to compliment our chickens for becoming vegetarians!  It shows what a high level of commitment, and fine example, our chickens have shown other chickens, worldwide…  Our chickens are courageous, now living on a free range, just the same way we used to bum around communes, I’m just glad I have the opportunity to present you with this malarkey, and have you swallow it: ‘Bone free!  As free as the wind blows!  As free as my toes knows…  Bone free!’

Just as a frame of reference, if our chickens can be this committed to a healthy life-style, then so can you!  Once we reach 50, our health becomes almost as important to us all, as is gambling, theft, and sapping the life-blood from our neighbors…  Not only are we committed to losing fat today, but finding it again tomorrow, as it migrates to another part of our bodies!  Join me now, as we take a trip down: ‘Bulbous Lane’, and find a way to keep from blotting out the sun!

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After just 6 weeks of regular exercise, and only one celery stick, you too can lose as much weight as the woman pictured above!  Notice the complete absence of fat, as well as one arm that looks too large from saluting people, as she commits to running 700 miles per hour, for just 15 seconds a week!  She says,  and I quote: ‘It’s all the time I can spare, so I have to make the most of it!’  What a fine physique you could have, if you’d only take this as seriously as a walking cadaver…  See?  This woman is so thin, she doesn’t even have a shadow!

Avoid Poor Choices

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Contrary to popular belief, running away, and joining The Circus won’t necessarily set you free…  These three thought ‘Hippo Suction’ wood bee an easy solution to shedding unwanted fatty deposits, only to gain the weight back again, because of their unhealthy life-style, trying to be noticed under ‘The Big Top!’  As you can see, harming it up, is not the answer to losing weight…

Begin With A Healthy Diet

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Don’t be fooled into believing that if not eating makes your body produce fat cells, then eating more will make you thinner.  As pictured above, a well-balanced diet is the key to a healthier you.  Listen to the wise advice of your parents, and eat everything off your plate, including the tin foil…

Exercise Regularly

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I actually bought my first pair of professional running shoes, designed to make you run faster for no apparent reason, from The Running Room!  I got sucked into paying a lot for them too!  Now you may or may not believe that running in a grueling marathon under the blistering, hot, sun, is a good idea for loosing weight…  But after throwing your guts up, and ending up rejecting Hospital food for three weeks, then yes!  You will lose weight!

Take Dietary Supplements

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As miraculous as this sounds, I saw this one girl snort this strange, white, powder, and she lost 57 pounds in one week!  I think she just primarily forgot to eat real food, and took to gnawing on furniture instead.  There are all kinds of ways to lose weight.  Follow my advice, and you won’t learn any of them!  Yes, too much of a good thing isn’t the answer either!

I say: Fitness Shmitness!  What’s so bad about gorging yourself constantly anyway?  Do Supermarkets have to close when you leave?  Are you: ‘One giant leap for Mankind!’ all by yourself?  Well take heart now, and swallow this CRAP!  Subcutaneous fat is beautiful!  ‘There’s just more there to love!’ 

Why lose weight when you can just hunt down another phat person?  At least you’ll look thin to each other.  Isn’t love still love no matter if it shifts the Earth out of orbit or not?  Even so, it’s more important just to have a good day…  So the next time another Elephant says she has a crush on you, she may really mean it!  And after all, isn’t love a kind of ‘Fitness Shmitness’ too?

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People think I’m sucking off the system because I’m disabled, when it was in fact the system that disabled me…  People are generally judgemental and self assuming…  Most are envious and suppose I lay around all day sipping lemonade.  Nothing could be farther from the truth!  Work is where you find it, and I do quite a lot without any pay at all.  Not my fault they can’t spell: ‘Career’…  That doesn’t look right…  How do you spell ‘Career’? I do the things I love to do: all of it involves work.  Who needs pay when you have a purpose higher than serving people fatty cow meat?  There’s an ethical question involved too, and a competence factor…  People are always promoted to just the position they can’t master: I see more people suffering as a result of how they’re treated in society via a lack of responsible, congenial, competent public servants, administrators, Doctors, Dentists, etc..  So my theory is:  Everything is backwards… 

If you’re sick for instance, how do they expect you to have the energy to go to a Doctor?  There was a time when they came to you!  What logic is there in fighting disease when you cram people with various viruses in the same waiting room?  In Queens English, work doesn’t work!  Why is it that Tennis Players make millions every year for playing a ‘game’, and construction workers can’t afford to buy their own homes?  Backwards!  You want fair? If everyone helped everyone else, no one need suffer for goods and services at all! 

Those who clean your offices keep the air clean so you don’t get sick!  How are they less valuable than highly paid Scientists who just sit around and think all day?  We tell people not to smoke, and then sell them cigarettes!  What kind of backward CRAP is that?  I tell you, the whole system has to be wiped out, and revised!  If you work a day, you should have a day off to pursue other interests rather than them owning you lock, stock and barrel! (barrel?)  How did that get in there?  Help me build my house, and I’ll help you build yours, rather than someone who didn’t do the work should occupy…  So backwards!!  What say you?

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What’s The Big Idea?

Some People Just Don’t Want to Listen!

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The big idea is: The greater your obligation toward the public, the greater the necessity to be trained in public relations…  Yet Doctors (in general) for instance, have such large egos, that they couldn’t possibly imagine you might know what’s wrong before they assess you themselves: as if it were their body and not yours!  You don’t have a cold…  You have a Rhino virus!  Leaving one to wonder:  ‘How did I come in contact with a Rhino anyway?’

What if I were to tell you that their agenda isn’t to cure you at all, but to keep you as a cadaver that walks, so you’ll keep returning, to keep them, and The Government well-heeled?  You however, will never be healed!  After all, a real customer is someone who keeps coming back!  Right?  Feather more, what if I were to tell you that it’s just as likely for any one of them, to be just as crazy, as anyone of us?  And to make matters worse, ‘crazy’ is not always so easy to define…

Backward Thinking…

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I have periodontal disease from all the years of smoking!  One of the reasons I stopped, was to save my tooth!  LOL!  Anyway, I just got a new Dentist.  To me, it was like trading in a Porsche, for a Model T…  His head is buried because he can’t see that teeth, and gums go together.  He thinks I just have teeth!  So he taps my teeth, and because they don’t hurt, he says there’s no infection.  Meanwhile, my gums look like a mouth full of balloons!

Even his demeanor was very condescending!  I tell him I need something for the pain, and he says he don’t see pain…  So I asked him what pain looks like if it’s not crawling up my face right now…  And he said I’m not giving you anything because there’s nothing wrong with you.  So I asked: ‘May I please just have some antibiotics for the infection then?’  and he said Periodontal disease doesn’t cause infection: ‘I’m not a Pharmacy!’ he said…  Gee…  Could’ve fooled me!

His name is Dr. Katz…  With that I said: ‘I know just how to deal with you Dr. Quacks!’  So I sicked the little woman on him!  And what does the A-Hole finally do?  He writes me out a prescription for ibuprofen!  I don’t need him for that!  It’s an: ‘over the counter’ drug that would shut down my liver before it could even come close to touching this kind of pain.  I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink…  I could moan though.  I’m a very good moaner!  From there, I went straight to my Doctor…  He said I could have went to jail for kicking up such a fuss!  So…  For sticking up for my rights, and trying to save my life, I’m the bad guy huh?

Physician Heal Thy Self!

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So how’s this for logic?  My Doctor looks in my mouth, and right away, he sees my gums are infected.  So he gives me an antibiotic and, Tylenol 3’s with codeine.  The Tylenols cause constipation, so the idea here, is to cure my infection while my body fills up with excrement.

The instructions suggest I exercise to relieve the constipation.  Meanwhile, my stomach is bloated up like a basketball because I have an ulcer, had to double up on the Tylenol 3’s and ibuprofen, so I feel like I’m gonna up-chuck!  It’s 3 am., and they recommend I run downtown!  Hence, I have to go back to see the Doctor, which is just what he was shooting for!

My other half has managed to accumulate six Doctors over the years, and she is sick as a dog!  Everything was hunky Dorrie,  (Hunky Dorrie?  I didn’t know a Dorrie could be hunky!) until she started going to Doctors!  She goes to a Dentist too, and guess what?  Now she has no teeth!  Aren’t Dentists supposed to save your teeth?  Aren’t Doctors supposed to improve your health?  God forbid you should ever need a Lawyer!  And don’t complain, or you will!  What’s the big idea?  If you have one, I’d like to hear it!

Expressing My Opinion

Ya know?  I’m not bothered in the least, that you didn’t find my soft backgrounds useful.  Nor does it phase me that you don’t have the back bone or moral up-bringing to even thank me for the extensive effort I put in to bring them to you.  I’ve long come to expect that.  What does bother me is how very much your loosing out on to not even imagine the improvement or originality they could bring to your blog, or your blatant refusal to even acknowledge my concern for your success on WordPress!  It’s just this kind of CRAP that makes the world what it is today!

No matter…  I’m not one to hold a grudge.  They’re slimy, dirty, and as un-kept as the stench of snobbery that infiltrates this forum like that of a dirty litter box!  You ‘cats’ aren’t behaving all that impressively as you think you do, apparently.  Don’t let that fool you!  I just so happen to know, that ‘soft backgrounds’ are one of the most highly sought after, and rarely found items of interest on The Internet.  It’s good to know there are still some friendly, honest people around!

As for what you call: ‘spam’, they have shown me much more than mere courtesy.  In point of fact, they have commented extensively on my blog, with kindness, appreciation, timely advice, invitations, taking my feeds, as well as asking politely for permission on many occasions if they may re-blog my material to their own groups and have expressed the highest of gratitude for the: ‘superb’ quality of my posts, and visit me often. Posts like: ‘Dinosaur Extracts’ ‘Don’t Waste My Time’  and ‘Do schools kill creatively’, to name but a few…   So you see?  In point of fact, I don’t really need you!  Nor do I need your arrogance, silence or general lack of knowledge and wisdom on your own behalf: not that you’ve ever shown any in the first place…  Enjoy your day!

Boo Bees!

I Admire You for Your Mind!

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That’s what most men say while they’re focusing in on your Boo Bees, with a good pair of Pinocchio’s!  I’m sorry!  I meant to say: ‘Binoculars!’  We get to check out melons in stores!  I mean, why can’t we check out your holsters?  Isn’t it customary to sapple the merchant-dice first?  Did I say: ‘Sapple?’  LOL!  It’s true!  Whenever I see someone drinking a Snapple, I always right away think of a woman saying: ‘Snapple me!.’  What a come on that wood bee!  ‘Want some popcorn?’ would do just fine…  Why don’t you just say: ‘I’ll have a Snapple and a Nipple ta go?’

What are training bras for?  Do you get a passing grade when you master one?  Is there some sort of: ‘Bra Academy’ you attend, with some kind of: ‘boo bee’ obstacle course?  Not to mention, (but I will) are you aware, when you’ve got a ‘Big Bust’, it also means being arrested for trafficking?  That should tell ya something right there!  I mean, what are men supposed to do with horn blats the size of Buick’s looking down at them?  Whistle and look up at the sky?  We’d do better to sit under them for shade from the sun, and sip on a Martini: a man’s substitute for nerve gas!  Hehehehe…

A Useful Weapon for The Military!

Send five women to rip open their blouses (shouldn’t the plural be ‘blice?’) in front of the Putin, then the rest of us could just sneak around the entire army, and capture Moscow!  Offer just one ‘hoopin-floppin’ to a German Commander, and no tank would move for weeks!  But I AM sure, all their turrets would point to Mecca…  <SHABOOM!>

What is it about this mammon that drives men so brazier?  I’m sorry!  I meant to say: ‘bizarre!’  Ever see a Woman’s Lipper offering any more than fried eggs?  Do any men believe in Woman’s Lip?  And just how would the enemy get his: ‘walkie talkie’ back?  ‘You can’t have it!  I’m waiting on an important call from: ‘Meaningful Beauty!’  Or just play that psychological Beatle song off loud speakers shaped like memories: ‘I Wanna Hold Your Gland!’  I’m sorry!  I meant to say: ‘Mammary’s!’ :O(

Building a Better Holster…

There’d be no such a word as: ‘Cleavage’ if ‘Cleavage to Beaver’ didn’t exist!  What we need is a schematic for glass bras to bring women into the modern age of: ‘The Drooling Class!’  Somewhat like ‘The Ruling Class’, only with much more room to move up!  Women are aloud to show off their cream dispensers in Canada, and never take advantage of that.  ‘At the sound of the shot, my Undertaker will get right back to you!’  

I say make a bra that just covers the bulls eyes, and Honky’s from here to Nebraska will be crashing into one another. and Global Warming will take on a whole new meaning!  What about a bra that pops them out with the push of a button? Traffic lights to see your way through the forest?  There’s all kinds of ideas if we just put our hinds to it…  I’m sorry!  I meant to say: ‘minds!’  Shirley Crow-Mag-Non has advanced enough to play pocket billiards…  I’m sorry!  I meant to say: ‘Surely!’ :O(

Rant # 1867

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Stupid Stupermarkets

Do you ever get the feeling when you’re food shopping, that nobody knows what the flying flock they’re doing?  There could be Lesbians in the soup for all I know…

I went shopping at: ‘Food Basics’ yesterday, for one thing, because I put my trust in them that it will BE THERE!  They made me feel more like a big Dummy, wandering about town in a coma!  It’s that stupid, big building that went up just down the street from me.  It’s a whopping seven stories high, and it’s long too!  Ever since, there have been long line ups at the bank, and all the food that I like, is ALWAYS MISSING!  Food Basics huh?  They must mean cat food!

First, I asked the checkout bitch if The Manager was in, or picking his teeth?  ‘Oh no!’ she quiped:  ‘On Fridays, he doesn’t come in until after 1 pm.’  THE FREAKING MANAGER!!  So brain dead me asked if there was anyone else I could speak to? ‘Yes’, she pelted, Mario is in the Managers Office.  ‘Fine’ I retorted and marched off there hoping to find an AK 47 along the way.  And IT’S NOT EVEN MARIO!!  So I asked the stranger, who was so busy chatting it up with the exchange crap

Clerk, just why my favorite Chapman’s yogurt: ‘Crunchy Pecan’ was always out of stock and 15 bands of CHOCOLATE GARBAGE I’m allergic to, just sits there in the cooler forever LOOKING STUPID AT ME!!  What is this world coming to?

‘Oh we don’t sell yogurt ice-cream…’ the moronic FLIT emphatically stated!  So I begged: ‘I have a liter of your Crappy Vanilla’ I can put your Crumby Jam on!  Wanna see it?’  ‘Oh that!’ he suddenly recalls…  ‘I can page Julie who runs that section’ he brilliantly encourages…  ‘Oh I’m sorry!  Julie’s on her break right now…’

I’ll bet a fat tub of ice-cream yogurt HE’S ALWAYS SORRY!!  So trying to improve the dust behind his skull, I blurted: ‘Just order in what everybody’s buying, forget the other CRAP, and you might make SOME MONEY!  They may even give you A PROMOTION!’  As I stormed away then in a self perpetuated cyclone, he double talks behind me: ‘I’M ALREADY AS HIGH UP AS I CAN BE!’  ‘That figures…’  I muttered to myself.  DOUBLE TALK!!   That’s all You the customer, who’s ALWAYS WRONG, will ever get from this crap gassed, backward forking rock!

Black Friday

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Do you really look forward to being punched out over a pair of socks?  And it’s Black Friday!  What are all those white people doing there?  This was a sad day in 1929 when the market crashed, and business people jumped from sky scrappers, and you want to celebrate it?  Now they want a whole black week!  Where does greed and selfishness ever end, and when will people ever wise up to the fact that these are just ‘things’ and things can never love you back!  And most likely, neither will the sorry slobs you’re buying them for!  I’m glad black people boycotted them!  Seems they’re the only smart people left, with the black and white garb on, in the picture above…  LOL!

Arguing For The Sake of Arguing

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The mouse I shacked up with, seems to have it in the vacuum between her ears, that I’ll never change, and she deserves a Master’s degree for laying on her rump roast, watching brain dead TV all day!

Here’s how backwards and stupid people really are!  First I run my ass (Well, not the actual ass that Jesus road in on) off. Then I make my mouse breakfast as usual, because she’s too brain dead to remember what food looks like!  Then I go shopping for something that isn’t even there. So silly me…  I then go to the Thrift Store to buy a tuke cuz I just froze my ears off, and run into a friend, who just so happens to be a girl, who respectfully requests that Bonehead and I carry her new love seat home for her.  No problem.  Then when I get home, my mouse wants me to go back and carry home a love seat for her.  No problem…  It’s just cuz she’s jealous I did something for another female besides her!

So I pick out the best one in the store, not a mark on it, and she complains that she had to pay $48 for it, on half price day! That love seat was in excellent condition, color co-ordinated with her poop brown room, (navy blue, with two reversible cushions, navy blue and art deco on the other side) what would easily have cost over $300 in any furniture sucking store, and she’s not happy with the deal?

Then for good measure, she informs me how her burnt out son and, constantly bitching wife, and brain dead constantly squalling embryo is spending a week for Crismis at our place:  Just the recipe to drive me out of my flocking tree, while I was trying to meditate, so I don’t take a cleaver to her for ruining my day, in a long succession of days approaching the three year mark!  And I can’t kick her out, CUZ SHE CAN’T WALK THAT FAR!