Welcome to Your Colonoscopy…

Introduction:

I don’t want to alarm you, but before I begin, take two extra strength Tylenol, and have somebody standing by with a defib. kit, just in case your heart stops!  Send the women and the children out for ice-cream delights!  Please make sure that your Last Will and Pestilence is in order…  You’ve just turned 50 and you’re planning a celebration, when suddenly the doorbell rings: ‘PING PONG!’  And you receive this strange letter that says to read in private if you don’t want to humiliate yourself!  So you run into the bathroom and rip the thing open with your gums, and there is the sentence you’ve been dreading for all of your entire life: ‘We want to look up your bum…  Welcome to your Colonoscopy!’  So you stare over at your toilet bowl and mutter to yourself: ‘I knew that should have come with built-in suction cups…’  And there in that moment, all your plans to go to a rave all night, pop pills, and pretend your 14 again, are suddenly vaporised into a cloud of green gas!  Hey!  Who didn’t flush?  It really stinks in here!

There’s Nothing to Really be Afraid of…

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What could possibly be so bad about a simple 45 minute procedure?  You know?  I’m glad you asked!  If you do drugs (which includes sleeping with Mary Jane), you could be awake during the whole thing!  They’ll give you a needle in your butt cheek anyway, just to make it look like their following procedure.  Yet through all of your screams of excruciating pain seem to go unheeded: as though they believe, if they ignore you, you’ll think you’re just dreaming this…  Well believe you me, this is no dream!  You’re wide awake, and this is a nightmare!

Well at least you’ll be able to keep your dignity.  Right?

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Wrong again kidney breath!  Everyone gets to watch what’s up your bum on close circuit TV!  You may take the Tylenol now… Nurse: ‘With 3D imaging, it’s as though you’re right up there yourself!’  Doctor:  ‘That’s right Nurse Ratchet.  Kodachrome in all it’s glory!’  Nurse: ‘Is that his appendix Doctor?’  Doctor:  No way Nurse!  That’s his penis…’  Nurse: ‘HAHAHAHAHA!  Oh gracious me!  That tiny thing?’  Doctor: ‘Don’t worry Nurse…  This picture has been magnified by 3000 times!’

It’s Just a Little Thin Thing Though…

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Here’s the little, thin Python right here…  You do know where your appendix is.  Right?  Well that’s where this little nipper is going to.  And if it find a polyp, they will NIP IT!  NIP IT IN THE BUD!  And see those silver markings all around the coiled snake?  That’s how far the Doctor pushes it to each time.  And each time he does, you’re gonna go:: ‘AAAHHHRRGGGG!!’

So What’s a Polyp Here or There?

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Wrong again smarty no pants!  Just take a look at this map and tell me that they won’t have to send out for pizza, while they discuss you butt sticking up in the air: your nut sack dangling helplessly!  And uh…  Did I say anything about women not having to go through this?  Do you here crickets?  What’s that?  You think I’m finished now?  Better get those paddles juiced up, cuz we’re about to come to the finally here: the most vicious, disgusting, pathetic part of this whole thing!

They then take you to what they call: ‘The Fart Room!’, where other Colonoscopy patients are busy releasing their gas as well!  AND THEY KEEP THE WINDOWS CLOSED!!  The Nurse will tell you:  Go ahead and flit all you like!  Everybody does it!’  I can’t tell you of your chances.  All I can tell you is this…  It’s going to be one Hell of a Birthday celebration!  That’s for sure!  I’m not going to dick around here!  Everything will be OUT THERE!  And I do mean EVERYTHING!

Green Eyes

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Guess what?  I have green eyes!  And they do turn blue or grey sometimes…  Also, my psychological profile classifies me as a ‘rare green’…  Anyone who’s ever taken a psychology course knows what I mean.  There are four different character references according to color: Green, Blue, Orange, and Gold.  A rare anyone means ‘destined for greatness.’  It never happened so, must be BS…  Maybe if I actually tried?  Look it up.  It’s interesting!

The Silent Call

Standing in the freezing rain;

He calls up to us once again!

Will you not relieve my pain?

The silent call awaits us!

 

Frozen hearts that beat on high;

Oblivious to any cry!

Keep time to those who walk on by;

The silent call awaits us!

 

Torn coats of shattered dreams;

Frozen in the wind it seems!

Cries that dissipate sunlit beams;

The silent call awaits us!

 

Can your passion not be sold;

For the price of ice and cold?

As the wind steals away what’s told;

The silent call awaits us!

 

And yet we see there’s no one there;

Or could it be we just don’t care?

Our emptiness, a frigid stare;

The silent call awaits us!

These are a Few of my Favorite Things…

Here’s a scathingly brilliant idea how we can all get to know something one-another fairly quickly…  I will list some favorite things.  Then you just select the questions, or errase my answers.  Whatever…  Copy them to the clip-board (ctrl + c)  and then paste them in your comment, (ctrl + v) and fill in your own answers.

  • My favorite color: olive-green.
  • My favorite food: T-Bone Steak.  Only once a year as a treat though, cuz I’m a partial vegetarian (I eat fish, chicken, turkey and eggs).
  • My favorite drink: Budweiser
  • My favorite dessert:  Cherry pie alamode.
  • My favorite movie:  ‘Bambi’  My Mummy took me to see it when I was 5…  She had to sit through it three times, and every time Bambi’s Mummy got shot, I cried :O(
  • My favorite actress:  Clitoris Leachman.
  • My favorite actor:  Clit Eastwood.
  • My favorite car: Honda Accord.  If you lock it up tight, you can keep a fart in there indefinitely!
  • My favorite pass-time:  Torturing insects…  Take one leg off a spider, and he’ll walk around in circles…
  • My favorite movie type:  Dusters. (Tombstone)
  • My favorite animal: Horse.  They’re strong, and fast, and free-spirited, and I like the way they laugh (Whinny).
  • My favorite pet:  Golden Retriever
  • My favorite song: ‘Alone Again…  Naturally’ – Gilbert O’Sullivan
  • My favorite president:  Ronald Wilson Reagan…  Count the letters in each name and it comes out to 666.  ‘As I said to my wife Nancy…  Where’d she go?  She was standing right here a minute ago!’
  • My favorite boy name: Russell…  Wrestle?
  • My favorite girl name:  Sharon…  Charon?
  • My favorite planet: Pluto.  It is so a planet!  It has three moons doesn’t it?
  • My favorite smell: Lilacs.
  • My favorite day of the week: Hump-day.
  • My favorite sport: Tennis.  You really have to have balls to play that sport!

Three little angels/Tre små änglar

This is from Anna’s site: https://fargaregardsanna.wordpress.com/2015/08/24/three-little-angelstre-sma-anglar/ The peice is called: ‘Three Little Angels’ This makes a statement! And the statement is: what a great idea to paint on rocks! The bottom picture is the backside of the top picture I believe… She’s a talented Illustrator! You have to check out her site, it’s amazing!

Annas Art - FärgaregårdsAnna

Paint on stones is really fun. In these stones I found three little angels.
Måla på sten roar mig mycket. I dessa stenar fann jag tre små änglar.

Anna


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