Welcome to Your Colonoscopy…

Introduction:

I don’t want to alarm you, but before I begin, take two extra strength Tylenol, and have somebody standing by with a defib. kit, just in case your heart stops!  Send the women and the children out for ice-cream delights!  Please make sure that your Last Will and Pestilence is in order…  You’ve just turned 50 and you’re planning a celebration, when suddenly the doorbell rings: ‘PING PONG!’  And you receive this strange letter that says to read in private if you don’t want to humiliate yourself!  So you run into the bathroom and rip the thing open with your gums, and there is the sentence you’ve been dreading for all of your entire life: ‘We want to look up your bum…  Welcome to your Colonoscopy!’  So you stare over at your toilet bowl and mutter to yourself: ‘I knew that should have come with built-in suction cups…’  And there in that moment, all your plans to go to a rave all night, pop pills, and pretend your 14 again, are suddenly vaporised into a cloud of green gas!  Hey!  Who didn’t flush?  It really stinks in here!

There’s Nothing to Really be Afraid of…

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What could possibly be so bad about a simple 45 minute procedure?  You know?  I’m glad you asked!  If you do drugs (which includes sleeping with Mary Jane), you could be awake during the whole thing!  They’ll give you a needle in your butt cheek anyway, just to make it look like their following procedure.  Yet through all of your screams of excruciating pain seem to go unheeded: as though they believe, if they ignore you, you’ll think you’re just dreaming this…  Well believe you me, this is no dream!  You’re wide awake, and this is a nightmare!

Well at least you’ll be able to keep your dignity.  Right?

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Wrong again kidney breath!  Everyone gets to watch what’s up your bum on close circuit TV!  You may take the Tylenol now… Nurse: ‘With 3D imaging, it’s as though you’re right up there yourself!’  Doctor:  ‘That’s right Nurse Ratchet.  Kodachrome in all it’s glory!’  Nurse: ‘Is that his appendix Doctor?’  Doctor:  No way Nurse!  That’s his penis…’  Nurse: ‘HAHAHAHAHA!  Oh gracious me!  That tiny thing?’  Doctor: ‘Don’t worry Nurse…  This picture has been magnified by 3000 times!’

It’s Just a Little Thin Thing Though…

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Here’s the little, thin Python right here…  You do know where your appendix is.  Right?  Well that’s where this little nipper is going to.  And if it find a polyp, they will NIP IT!  NIP IT IN THE BUD!  And see those silver markings all around the coiled snake?  That’s how far the Doctor pushes it to each time.  And each time he does, you’re gonna go:: ‘AAAHHHRRGGGG!!’

So What’s a Polyp Here or There?

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Wrong again smarty no pants!  Just take a look at this map and tell me that they won’t have to send out for pizza, while they discuss you butt sticking up in the air: your nut sack dangling helplessly!  And uh…  Did I say anything about women not having to go through this?  Do you here crickets?  What’s that?  You think I’m finished now?  Better get those paddles juiced up, cuz we’re about to come to the finally here: the most vicious, disgusting, pathetic part of this whole thing!

They then take you to what they call: ‘The Fart Room!’, where other Colonoscopy patients are busy releasing their gas as well!  AND THEY KEEP THE WINDOWS CLOSED!!  The Nurse will tell you:  Go ahead and flit all you like!  Everybody does it!’  I can’t tell you of your chances.  All I can tell you is this…  It’s going to be one Hell of a Birthday celebration!  That’s for sure!  I’m not going to dick around here!  Everything will be OUT THERE!  And I do mean EVERYTHING!