A Balancing Act
See, people think that us shutter bugs are just walking around looking for flowers and bees… It’s not like that at all! We take up the gauntlet of pure stupidity, and traverse some very treacherous rocks, hills, riversides, and cliffs to get to that perfect ‘waterfall spot’… Don’t ask me why. It just seems we have to get pictures of all the waterfalls that we can. We should call it ‘shutter bug disease’ because all us nature buff fanatics, are nutty about them! Rapids are great for time lapse shots as well, but aren’t always easy to get to…
See, you’ve got to figure, more often than not, to get to your goal, you have to traverse a rocky shoreline, because the forest is to dense to wade through, plus you’re carrying maybe 50 lbs. of equipment on your back, and a 20 lb.tripod in one hand. That leaves you off balance, with only one hand free to catch yourself if you fall: hoping that your hiking boots with real tire tread soles, and the laces with genuine Saskatchewan, seal-skin bindings from Canadian Tire will help… Meanwhile, some of those rocks are very slippery, with green slime on them! Now if you have to step onto a curved one, you may do an Irish jig for a few moments, but you’re going in the drink, equipment, tripod, clothes, and all!
Or, you could be merrily winding your way down some trail, catch your foot on a root, and are suddenly grabbing for air with one hand, only to be caught twirling around trees until you do a ballerina dance, and involuntarily whip yourself into the drink anyway! You could land on your back, and be like a turtle what can’t get up! You could lay there for days, looking like a boxed lunch!
I’ve been literally teetering on the edge of dizzying heights, palms seating, heart pounding, knees knocking, only to back away from the tripod because I had to sneeze! See, it’s all that adventure, and risk taking, that keeps you alive, instead of just existing. Risking taking! It brings the best rewards, and always, but always sends you away more appreciative of the air you breathe, and the sights you see, than ever before!
So there I am at a lookout post that has a great view, looking through my view-finder, tweaking knobs, adjusting settings, making calculations in my head about exposure, composition, etc.. And suddenly, I hear: ‘Hi! That’s some camera you have there!’ So I look up, and there’s this guy in his mid 50’s maybe. He just snuck right up on me! Didn’t know him from Adam! I have thousands of dollars worth of equipment with me, and there’s just the two of us there! He could have thrown me over the cliff and took a picture of me on the way down for all I know! Then he starts asking me all these skill testing questions: ‘So what kind of camera is it? Do you get good shots? Ever run into any bears?’ Who cares! Now I’m loosing my cloud formations! I don’t know this guys intentions… Now he’s talking about how he likes to go swimming with his dog… So I just politely said: ‘Well, if you don’t mind, I really should get back to work here! You have yourself a great day…’
Another time, I encountered this stupid, frumpish old bag of wet laundry! I was taking a picture of a wooden gate with a rot iron filled hole in the middle. She didn’t even live there! She lived next-door… ‘What are you doing there?’ Well what does it look like I’m doing? Planning a bank robbery as a sleep over bandit? Then she starts going on about rot iron as a work of art, when suddenly a group of four teens encircled me with their bikes, calling me nasty names like: ‘Wahoo!’ And ‘Whippy!’ So I packed up, and moved on before I was mugged and talked to death, all in the same breath!
One time around 6am. I’m getting set up on top of a rock face, with about a 30 degree incline, putting me about 50 yards from the river. As always, I went to take the lens cap off my camera, only this time, it leaped from my hand, landed sideways, and rolled all the way down the rock face, bouncing up here and there, and <Ker plunk >, into the drink! I searched the muddy bottom, but do you think I could find the dang, blad thing? No sir/Mama! It was only by shear fortune, that I had another cap on my macro lens tubing that just fit my camera!
Another time, I was about the same distance up a rock face with about a 40 degree incline. I put my favorite, yet compact macro lens on the rock with a bit of a lean… I thought it not enough to tip it over, but I was wrong! It just took the right wind gust, and standing helplessly with my jaw dropped, I watched it tumble end over end, and into the drink it goes! I’m sure it was only the lens cap keeping the vibrations from cracking the lens. And at any time, it could have bounced on the opening clip, and flew off, but it didn’t: a strange twist of fate to be sure! This time, I found the lens half sunk, into the muddy bottom of the river. Some sand had gotten into the focusing mechanism, but a little machine oil washed it out nicely. The lens works fine to this day!
Another blogger shared with me how her lens got sucked down a whirl pool at a river side with rapids… So it was lost forever: sucked into an ever deepening vortex! Do you have any photography stories that don’t just concern taking pictures? If you do, then you have a blog to write! So the next time you think of Photography as smiling Aunts and Uncles, think again! There’s always a fumble or a spill, a knock or a bruise, a tussle or a knob! There’s always: ‘The Lighter Side of Photography!’
People who molest fruits and vegetables
This woman was arrested today, for having elicit sex with a watermelon! They’re holding her melons equally responsible. They’ll both be serving 6 weeks time in a penal colony!
As further proof that fruits are involved in a provocative manner with humans. As you can see, both of these bananas are completely naked! The woman who brought them together, expected to serve time in The Booby Hatch, claimed: ‘I just needed someone who would understand how I feel!’
We found this rather well endowed squash had inticed several young women to fondle the vegetable! The squash was given 60 days for indecent exposure. Two of the women were released with a warning, but the third was arrested for taking a pea! It was later proven using radioactive thermometers, that the pea had nothing to do with it, and was in fact pea-napped. willfully pea-napping and murdering a pea can carry a life sentence, without chance of parole…
The above is a present President Nixon received after his impeachment… unfortunately, I am restricted to any more information than this: ‘Was the President ever left alone with this fruit?’
This man should rightfully be arrested for child, carrot pornography! Where’s a crop when you need one?
Just this morning, these three sadly dressed carrots were arrested for prostituting themselves to customers with lewd comments like: ‘You look like a big, slab of meat!’ and ‘You know I’m the most appealing!’
Sexual relations with the fruit and vegetable kingdom can be hard to resist. I know from personal experience one day when a was a boy, innocently standing in front of a tree, that these things never work out in the long run…
Do you want to serve time for a potato? If you fondle it, it’s a sexual offence! In fact, this is not suitable for young audiences! And believe me! This potato and you would only argue all the time :O(
- Sometimes i just have these miscellaneous thoughts that aren’t really blogs in themselves. The thought I had, referring to the URL above was: ‘Do I really need 8 eight ounce glasses of water per day?’ This lead me to The Mayo Clinic: probably thought I was a warped human, and was hinting at a desperate need for psychiatric help. There are two pages of interesting facts about water consumption.
- ‘does God really exist according to science?’ This is an important question, what with me being a bit of a science buff fanatic, as well as a compulsive liar. Yes, free thinking can lead Google searches to curious places: I figure, if I butter up Google, this blog may reach the top of their list: this is a bribe!
- ‘what are the health benefits of pot?’ Notice I didn’t say: ‘smoking pot.’ That’s because there are other ways pot may be ingested, sparing your lungs of harmful carcinogens. OMG I have a brain! Praise Jesus! Although, this article does give: ‘Holy smoke!’ a whole new meaning. I wonder if you remain high longer if you just stuffing it in your ears? (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!)
- ‘life expectancy stats’ I figure, if the end of the world were coming, life expectancy would read like : three months… This brings me to my next logical question…
- ‘is the world going to end on September 24th. 2015?’ I’ve heard rumors to that affect… And that’s just what I think they are. Why it’s getting to where the media is crying wolf so often, who knows what to believe?
- ‘do men hate women?’ I’m always using the top Google finding mind you. Interesting that it’s strictly from a woman’s point of view as well. I wonder if I’ll get a man’s advice if I reverse genders? These are all off the top of my head. For experiments sake, I’m finding my questions to be more thought provoking as I go: ‘Kiss my ring!’ (Bathtub slime! EEEWWWWW!!)
- ‘do women hate men?’ That’s interesting! Some answers given by women! And its a Yahoo question page! I think I’m on a roll hear! If my next question leads to a Google question page, Google most assuredly give me standing room only!
- ‘do men fear women?’ Hmmmm… The Huffington Post again. I’m beginning to feel like I’m in a rigged game here! You know?
- ‘do women fear men?’ I felt certain this question would have lead me to: ‘The Google Hall of Fame!’ I should quit while I’m behind… Maybe if I ask Google something more all encompassing? Something more secretive perhaps? Will my computer bow up, and a swat team appear at head with scanning laser lights? Or will Google rescue me with uhhh: a ham sandwich?
- ‘what is the new world order about?’ Well at least I made it Wikipedia…. They should at least send me an extra large pizza… I’m an extra large guy! Let’s see now? I’ll have double cheese, pepperoni, salami, bologna, a pound a walrus blubber, and make it snappy!
- ‘is the earth dying?’ Notice you don’t have to use capitals when you ask Google a question! (Pulls up pants, and lifts head up high, to show I mean business!)
- ‘is the world evil or good?’ I was just going to ask: ‘is the world evil?’ But Google offered this suggestion and I thought I’d take it because it’s more unbiased. C’mon now Google! I get brownie points for this one!
- ‘do black Americans commit more crimes?’ I know whites think so… Just wondering what truth there is to the claim? What if I rephrase the question once again to be non-biased?
- ‘what ethnic group commits the most crimes in America?’ You don’t need question marks with Google search either. I was only using them for effect… (BS line #3,642) Old hobbits are hard to break…
- ‘what is the best search engine’ I think I’ve just struck pay dirt! You can buy dirt? If you scroll to the bottom of the page, you’ll find a link to Google! Ha! Pay up Suckers! LOL!
- ‘what is love’ Perhaps the most philosophical question ever asked by a lot of people who don’t know what the Hell the attraction is! LOL! Five theories are given. Pick one! Mine is that love was more prevalent within us when we were naive, and young at heart… Times when you believed in true love, and your heart pounded so, you thought you were going to have a cardinal infarction whenever he/she was within spitting distance of one another. When you get older, you wonder instead about your finances, hide food in the fridge! See? you’ll always get a different answer, depending upon how you ask the question… There’s some deep, hidden meaning in there somewhere.
- Well, for one thing, I have a great character. Yeah that’s it! I have a great character: just like that great movie star: ‘Tyrone Shoelaces’.
- And I know how to treat a lady! At least once a year, I make damn sure we go Dutch at Mac. Donald’s!
- If I’ve had enough broccoli, I can manipulate my butt cheeks, and play: ‘God Save The Queen!’
- I can throw up on command! It’s how I used to get off school… It left me pail, and pasty looking, but I still found a ghoul friend!
- Pick up line # 256 : ‘Can you tell me how to get to Carnage Hall?’ When she answers: ‘Practice!’, make your move!
- Try to look as much like Antonio Banderas as possible! Then sashay up to her and whisper something Spanish in her ear: ‘Tay-co- nosco, Mosco’ ( I know you, Mosquito! )
- After you shave every morning, splash your face with Spanish Fly. Women will sniff you all day, and follow you wherever you go! It’s like cat-nip to them!
- Put on your pink Pimp suit, go downtown and lean against a wall with your legs crossed. When a pretty woman walks by, toss a quarter out into the middle of the sidewalk, like you didn’t even care!
- I let the woman walk ahead of me. It makes them feel tough! It also makes for a great getaway for me…
- I give you my solemn oath as both a thief, and a liar, I will NOT use you, EVER!! Unless of corpse, you’re a cadaver, and I’m behind on my rent!