News Quips

  • A woman in her mid 40’s tried to commit suicide today by leaping out of her basement window!  Paramedics arrived in moments with tea and crumpets…
  • A man was arrested earlier today for animal abuse after throwing a stick, and the dog just kept on running…
  • A Speech Therapist was fired today, after 8 years of faithful service, for no apparent reason. Reporters caught up to her just outside her home, and asked: ‘Do you plan retribution after what they did to you?’  At that she quipped: ‘Are Woo Twying to make fun of me?’
  • Today, Fire-Fighters broke down the door to what they thought was a house fire, and turned the hose on three men smoking a joint…  When asked whose house it was, all three men appeared confused and unresponsive.
  • One Hunter told his friend, that if they should get separated, he was to fire 3 shots into the air at exactly 12 noon every day, and he would be able to locate him.  After a 10 day search, the man finally found his friend with the help of a Ranger.  When asked: ‘Did you do as I told you?’  The man answered:  Yes!  I fired 3 shots into the air every day at 12 noon, until I ran out of arrows…
  • An 86-year-old man was found dead today with a huge grin on his face.  He was clutching a piece of paper close to his chest.  When they pried it loose, they read: ‘I leave to my wife, a credit card bill for $106,000!’  She died later that same day, and was found with a grin on her face too…
  • A man, frantic, called 911 and said: ‘Please hurry!  My wife is trying to stab me!’  Police wrestled the woman to the floor and pried the tooth-pick from her hand.  She was later charged with failure to provide dental floss, and served 2 years at a Dental Academy…
  • A 14-year-old boy thought to be missing for several weeks, was found playing video games at his computer…
  • A man charged with 4 counts of rape, appeared in court today wearing a tu-tu..  All charges were dropped!
  • Police arrived at a bar today to find a man with a horse.  They arrested the horse for drunken and disorderly conduct!
  • After non-suspecting parents bought their 5-year-old daughter a bubble blowing kit, she was later found floating over a freeway…  The company denied all responsibility, citing that it wasn’t their fault the parents had missed a Kodak moment!
  • Four armed men in ski masks robbed a candy store today, getting away with 3 gum balls, and 2 licorice sticks!  A man hunt is currently underway…  Caution was advised that the men may be a little hyper-active.

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