Are you tired of grazing on your front lawn, digging for grubs, weeds, and roots, when you just know, that somewhere, someone, is sinking their milk-teeth into a cow? Have you dashed out the door for exercise at 6am., only to wind up on a park bench, sleeping until the sun goes down? Does the dial on your bathroom scale read ‘0’ when you try to weigh yourself? Do you look like this?
Well worry no more! Our Scientists have been working now for 15 years without sleep, and have found a previous unheard of way to put some meat on your bones. Through intensive, sloppy observations of real, glutinous, pigs, we have finally found a way of having you look like ‘The Blob’ in not time!
Our Scientists (all graduates from Holy Cross Public School!) went to real, fat people’s homes, studying their inactivity for 15 years without sleep, and concluded that drinking beer while watching TV, is an excellent way to heap on valuable flab within the span of a football game! Isn’t that amazing!
As a valuable consumer of everything, we’ll send you this authentic beached whale! Actually, it’s just a shot of a sardine in a tin, through a macro lens, but the two look very similar! All you pay, is shipping and handling… Eat 40 lbs. of nutritious flab a day to achieve desired results… Our Scientists, still sleepless in Seattle, have conclusively proven that a healthy 6 inches of blubber shields one from the cold, and readily absorbs high impact projectiles!
Enjoy the new you! The envious will call you rude names like: ‘Slim’ and ‘Gorgeous’… That’s why, if you act later, we’ll double our offer of absolutely FREE! That’s two FREE’S for the price of one! Don’t be a gaunt, nothing, forging for plant life, when our fatty deposits are linning supermarket freezers, just waiting for you to gorge on, including the packaging! Why exercise when it only makes you hungry anyway? Help keep our planet in a stable orbit! Join the millions who’ve already joined The: ‘Eat Flab’ Miricle Diet! Comes with optional fibralator and oxygen tank. Don’t be skinny and sickly looking a moment longer! Get flab today!
Directly to you, from our team of advanced Scientists at Country Style Donuts…