The Girl of My Dreams

_0004_uglyladyMust be at least as handsome and stylish as the young lady pictured above…  I don’t want to set my standards too high or I won’t get any offers.  I have to admit, she does have a certain air of royalty about her.  It’s not what’s inside that counts.  It’s how she looks!  As you may have noticed, the woman pictured above exhibits rare (almost invisible) intelligence!

  • She must be between one and nine feet tall.  Six inch women need not apply without a visa or passport!
  • She should carry herself well, without any props: like gravity beams…
  • She must be able to name at least one of the six great lakes!  Just for the record, they are: Lake Fawn-Fairy-Oh. Lake Cheery, Lake Michelin, Lake Neuron, Lake Inferior, and Lake Weird, (It comes and goes).  If you have any trouble, please refer to this list!
  • Must never max out my credit card (ACME Suck Jobs), of $1.27, (All the gum you can chew), or suffer the $1.59 weekly interest charge!
  • Must be good in bed, both with me and my dog: ‘Spunky’…
  • No bad habits, like not drinking, not smoking, not doing drugs, and not getting me into trouble!
  • Must be able to count to ten without using your fingers or toes.  OK…  You can use a calculator since they’ve allowed them in schools now.
  • None of that: ‘Women’s Lip’ stuff, except when you want your own way…  OK…  May I speak sometime if I beg for a doggy treat?
  • No toys in bed!  I don’t want to be electrocuted right in the middle of: ‘Late Night with Jay Leno’!  Mayonnaise is OK if it’s Hellman’s…
  • BYOB… Bring Your Own Bitch!  And no whips or chains!  Handcuffs are OK if you need a small loan…  No torture except ‘Don Ho’s Greatest Ho Hits’ records played at 78 speed: old phonograph term for fans of: ‘The Chipmunks’…
  • If we ever go to a movie, (less than a chance in a trillion), I get to choose the movie!  I like sloppy, soap operas, and boring, love stories…  OK I’ll go!  I’ll go!  You don’t have too cut yourself! 
  • I sometimes like to dance, but only if you use a 357 magnum, or a pea shooter!
  • Not questions about my past!  However, I will take a lie detector test if necessary…
  • No biting, punching, or scratching!  A kick in the nuts is acceptable…
  • I will not tolerate farts!  They are rude and disgusting, except for peanut-butter farts…  I will allow you a small window of 23 hours and 56 minutes a day only!

May I end this blog entry now?  I’ve gotta go pee really badly!  (Give pee’s a chance!)  No?  You’re right…  You’re always right…  How about breathing?  Is breathing allowed?  I’ll be quiet now :O(

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