The Blind can’t see!
We left off where my telescope had just arrived. The price left my Mummy sitting on the side of her bed, downing a handful of pills, with a bottle of Scotch, repeating over and over: ‘Why don’t I just shoot myself?’ I was a little skeptical too. Anything that was invented in the 1600’s, isn’t it out of date? It’s a sausage, with a piece of glass. How good can it be?
The label on the other side said: ‘Batteries not included!’ In those days, everything said: ‘batteries not included’ whether it needed batteries or not. Why, I opened up a piece of: ‘Double Bubble’ gum once, and sure enough! Inside, written on the wrapper? ‘Batteries not included!’ And you didn’t get double bubbles at all! They just said that so you’d buy two of them! Anyway, <Pfffffffffft!> anything you buy is BS!
I thought the scope might stink too! The manual stated: ‘Congratulation on your new Acme purchase!’ It goes on:: ‘Tripod can’t walk!’ Well if it can’t walk, why did they give it legs? What a useless feature!, It continued: ‘Galileo’s original scope! We just polished it up with rust remover agent: vitamin B12… Included, is a 44. Magnum for an easy exit!’
Exploring Planet Saccharin…
Next thing I know, I’m, fumbling around in the dark, trying to read a manual that doesn’t glow in the dark at all! So how are you suppose to read the thing? They never think these things through. So I got my flashlight out that lit up the: ‘Batteries not included!’ sign enough to sort of see it.
‘Use the lowest power eye piece to view stars with. (That’s the one with the most millimeters on it).’ Well if it has the most millimeters, why is the power lowest? They got the thing in reverse, just as always! Later that evening, the neighbors called the Police, charging me with aiming a bazooka at their window! I was later sentenced to wash their window, and walk their poodle what peed on my leg :O(
Then: ‘Turn focusing knob until stars appear as pinpoints like they do with the unaided eye…’ Well if they look the same either way, why do I need a telescope? Einstein goes on: ‘To view the planet ‘Saccharin’, with it’s rings in all their glory, use the other eye-piece, with lower millimeters,,,’ There was only one choice left ya daffy conglomerate of self appointed Twits! Even at sharpest focus, Saccharin just looked like fuzz, with a bulge on either side. Right up until I was 16, I thought Saccharin was a Smurff! My parents bought me a toy magnifying glass…
Back to my Mummy!
‘Mummy’ I said: ‘Put down that razor blade and listen to me! I wanted a real Telescope like the one on Mount Rushmore!’ ‘Please!’ Mummy begged: ‘We’ve only got $1.27 left, and we need bologna!’ ‘ALRIGHT THEN!’ I ranted: ‘I’LL MAKE MY OWN FROM A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES AND A TOILET PAPER TUBE!!’ I stormed out of the room screaming: ‘I HOPE YOU TURN INTO A NICE PERSON!!’
Then I ripped the arms off my pet and said: ‘There! try and eat now!’ I got down on my knees, and said: ‘Lettuce Prey… Lard? Please forgive my Mummy who is an Idiot! Use your powers to get me a Microscope now, so I can have an excuse to suck the life blood from her in the name of research? Do this small favor for me, and tomorrow, I’ll brush my teeth! – Amen’
I was so depressed at that point, I just didn’t care for my life anymore, which had now become meaningless, and futile without a million dollars! So I went outside, and laid down in front of oncoming traffic. A guy stopped in front of me, and shouted out his window: ‘GET OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD YA JERK!!’ At that, I went to the nearest Hospital, walked into the middle of an operation and said: ‘I wanna be a Brain Surgeon! Teach me!’ Here’s a picture of my pet: ‘Sundance’
My Step Stool Dad gives me a Tape Recorder for Christmas…
I had to wait three whole weeks! In the mind of a child, that’s close to eternity! I was afraid I’d age rapidly and miss out on eternity! The instructions said: ‘Hold face close to machine, and speak into hidden microphone. (If it’s hidden?) Anything recorded, will sound just like it does in real life! If it sounds the same, why not just listen in real life? It said: ‘Use fast forward to sound like real chipmunk… Batteries not included’
That was the last straw! I smashed it into the wall! And ya know what? It recorded the whole event! My Mummy was so upset, she made me glue it back together with my own ear wax! I phoned her from the Hobby shop while in search of my Butterfly Net, (The only thing I could weasel out of her after that). The cheap Alcoholic!
I got the answering machine. In those days, was just my repaired tape recorder… I recognized my Mummy’s voice: ‘At the sound of the shot, please leave a brief message, and my Undertaker will get right back to you…’ Next: ‘The True Meaning of Pest Control’…