Welcome to My World

_funny_exam

Introduction

As soon as I was born, they put a tag around my neck that read: ‘And now for something completely different!’  I loved Kindergarten because it was completely chaotic and uncontrolled: something I’m passionate about for it’s deep, hidden meaning!  Grades 1 and 2 were a complete write off: Teacher:  Now class?  I want you to draw concentric circles, and try to stay perfectly between the lines!’  Me: (to the student beside me) ‘Pssst!  What’s ‘concentric’ mean?’  Him: ‘I dunno…  But I think it’s something sexual!’  <Five minutes later>  Teacher:  Now class?  Put your crayons down, and fold your hands neatly in front of you…  Who here can count from 1 to 20 for me?  Me: ‘Pssst!  Don’t put up your hand!  They’re trying to control us!’

Then he’d start giggling, and get into trouble for something that I instigated…  The new sense of power, manipulation and just this over-all good feeling I got when I cracked people up, was exhilarating for me!  It was then and there, (when and where?) that I decided I had my own itinerary, and must pursue my new, all important career, as class clown, and eventual international Idiot: a vocation I can assure you to this day, still delivers perks: examples include, watching people turn purple cuz they can’t catch their breath!  Seeing drinks sprayed all over the room!  And witnessing mushroom clouds immerge from Klingons circling around Uranus!  Again, to me, it was the achievement of maintaining complete chaos and un-control: something I’m passionate about for it’s deep hidden meaning!

_dodo1

How to stand out as an abject Failure!

Above, is my class photo from grade three…  I actually failed grade three because I convinced the entire class not to take the teacher seriously!  To me, lost in my own twisted world, this was actually a promotion.  I know because every time I’d speak at her personally, she’d turn her head to one side as if nobody was talking at all.  Oh yeah!  I shoved a bug so far up her ass, she had to look cross eyed to drink a glass of water!  She was a slender lady, in her forties, with curly, black hair, and looked just like Roseland Russell.  Here’s a picture of my grade three Teacher:

_Rosalind Russell

So I decided to knuckle down in grade four, and achieved grades that your usual self taught juvenile delinquent was not supposed to achieve.  So they gave me an I.Q. test, and to everyone’s astonishment, I passed!  In fact, they skipped me a grade, and I quote: ‘Let’s see what the little Con Artist can do in grade five!’  There I breathed a sigh of relief, having once again been submerged within complete chaos and un-control.  My mother quipped: ‘The sneaky, little Bass, Turd got his way again!’  Here comes the good part…

The school gave me money!

Well, not actual dollars and sense, but more like a blank cheese check for whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it!  They wouldn’t tell me what my actual I.Q. was cuz they said they didn’t want my head to swell up, but that it was up there.  So my Mummy (Now displayed along with my Neanderthal Step Stool Dad, in: The Museum of Natural Corpus Delecti, Cancerous Tumors Unit), sat me down ,and said I could have anything I want, if I just ask, because the school says you have a natural talent for wasting people’s time…

[Hmmm…]  I said to myself: ‘OK…  … …  I want a Telescope, a Microscope, a Chemistry set, a Swiss Army Knife, a hand crafted spinning Top with a Diamond tip, a name brand Tape Recorder, a Butterfly Net, and two, large baskets of sour Gum Balls!  I’ll know more about what I want after I compile a list’  She gave me one of those amazed yet bewildered looks.  You know?  Like she’d just witnessed something beyond comprehension!  And answered with a classic remark: ‘What do you think I am?  The Bank of Montreal?’  It wasn’t long before I actually went to The Bank of Montreal, and asked them if they knew my parents…

Two weeks later, the Telescope arrived…   I was to hear those words more frequently than not, from both her, and my Step Stool Father, with the same amazed yet bewildered look:  like two deer’s caught in headlights!  I’ll explain in full, shocking, detail, just why I needed those things in the sequel (seek well?) to this: ‘An Urgent Need to Be Greedy!’  Mean-while, here’s a picture of my parents:

_Neanderthal man and woman

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15 thoughts on “Welcome to My World

    • Well lets see now… I have a high I.Q. and was blessed with a stupid Teacher. I got everything I wanted, just for the asking… I enjoy cracking people up… Chaos is the most natural form of order in the Universe… They’ve actually found new Dodos… Where do you get that I’m being down on myself?

      Why do people inevitably ignore the camel and pick out the gnat? Why don’t you try enjoying the read and stop feeling sorry for people? I have no regrets about my past, present or future! You expect I should be a slacker or something? What’s wrong with you? Let’s us all have a look see at that! Shall we?

      • Well that provoked a greater response than I expected. I didn’t mean to offend. I know I often use self-deprecating humour too in real life to deflect from some of the great sadnesses that I have experienced. Just felt like you might be doing the same. Happy to be wrong.

  1. Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
    Well you made me crack up I am glad I wasn’t drinking my coffee it would have been all over the computer screen. I was the goody two shoes pain in the ass in school and found it an abject bore. Refused to learn math. Hated it. Algebra made no frikin sense to me at all. Most of the time I wrote poetry. Figured I was the next Edgar Allen Poe or Dr. Seuss not sure which so why did I need that crap. Got through high school and a year of college never taking calculus or any other fancy math stuff. No clue why. My teachers couldn’t figure it out. According to the SAT scores and other such IQ testing nonsense I should have been able to but my mind said thanks but no thanks. I love your twisted way of looking at things. Thanks for the big chuckle. I think I will grin all day from this one.

    • Oh Gale… (BLUSH) What would I do without your enthusiasm for me? Education was a complete bore! They need to revamp the whole thing! Promise me you’ll always change! I love you from deep within my colon, and long to be breast fed once more! You’re part of my rejuvenation process Darling One! You heel me from the inside out! You truly do! I’ll always love you as my best friend here, and on other planets too! Even if you were to leave me now, I’d still love you now and forever, or until something better comes along! LOL! You have fully captured the best possible thing on Earth, and other planets too: My friendship and undying devotion… I can’t breathe: not without you!

      • You are nuts but I like that in you. If you are above average or below you are screwed in the educational systems of today it is all geared to the middle which let’s face it is boring. Thanks for the friendship and devotion. You may continue to breath!! 🙂

  2. Oh Michelle… I sincerely apologize! I still have residual left from that stupid, needless confrontation on another post last evening! I don’t really know you… Hell! I don’t really know me! One should never judge a person until they’ve walked a mile in their Muck Lucks! What a stupid mistake! Well aren’t I the first class boob!! Hmmm… Come to mention it… I am a little hard on myself at that. Like: nuclear explosion little! Please bare with me! I’ll make it up to you somehow. So, so sorry!

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