My Connections to The Mob

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My life was on the line!

This post goes into chilling detail about my connections to The Mob!  My former girlfriend for whom I still dearly love, in solitary confinement, once informed me, during a long and heated argument over whether I should ‘brown bag it’ to work or not, that she was in solidly with the dangerous and notorious Ravioli Family: a particularly vicious group operating out of New Liskard Ontario, hoping to one day gang bang Shania Twain!  And all it would take to rub me out (a long used Mafia term meaning: ‘to smear tomato paste in your face!’). is one phone call!  She added: ‘Make no mistake! I have strong connections to The Ravioli Family, because of my extensive collection of nude, Sicilian, Baseball Cards!’

I spent that night tossing in turning, waking up in cold sweats screaming for the treat of possibly having tomato paste smeared in my face!  I laid there desperate! See?  I was constantly thinking of some way out of this extremely dangerous situation I now found myself in!  Tears came to my eyes as I lay there shaking: helplessly consumed that the prospect in the not to distant future, of having to come face to face with: ‘The Green Reaper!’

The Next Day…

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As I was making myself a spaghetti and meatball sandwich for breakfast, from last night’s leftovers, the wheels were constantly turning for me to try and think of some way I might disguise myself so The Ravioli Family might overlook me!  I mean, who knows?  Perhaps my common law wife would put a tail on me, to make sure I didn’t cheat on her, or in any way, treat a tin of spaghetti sauce with disrespect!

The answer came to me in a flash of insight!

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And suddenly, as I was pouring my morning Motts Tomato Juice, it came to me that why don’t I take Ballet Class and Tap Dancing lessons?  What Mobster is going to be on the look out for a man dressed in a Tu Tu, tap dancing his way to work?  So I quickly put my ingenious plan into operation!

A deadly encounter

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At first my plan seemed to be working because even stray cats were avoiding me…  But then, one day while I was tap dancing to work, a suspicious looking Volkswagen Micro-Bus full of shifty looking long haired Hippies pulled up along side me!  The driver, obviously Sicilian, reached out the window and offered me a nude Baseball Card!  I was so nervous, I answered: ‘Oh, no thank you!  I’ve already eaten!’

Then he asked: ‘Will you show us a little Ballet?  A shiver went down my spine!  I new I had to really be on my toes here!  So I counted to 3 out loud and did my best pirouette!  He said: ‘That was pretty, and spiffy!’, and they all clapped!  Then he put the radio on and asked me to tap dance to a Bing Crosby song: ‘White Christmas’!  I knew they were testing me for my smarts, so I tried really hard to get into the beat and tapped it out nice and slow, but tastefully!  ‘That was really good son!’ he said.  And they all clapped and whistled…  Now encouraged, I asked if they’d like here me sing an Al Jolson song while I spin and tap dance at the same time!  He quickly replied: ‘No thanks.  We’re a large group of highly trained, professional Spaghetti Benders, and we’re nearly late for work now!  I didn’t believe that for a moment!  They then sputtered off…

After that, everything began to quiet down and I was never again bothered by anyone on Earth, ever!  Hey!  The last three seconds are totally blank to me, but my past stands out in vivid detail!  Needless to say, from that first day on, I treated my common law wife with the nude Sicilian Baseball Cards with the respect deserving of a Mob Bosses Mistress!  So I advice that you all beware of: ‘My Connections to The Mob’!

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