Monstrous Fitness Tips for 2015

Harping

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Actually, I’m not harping on you, in my case, I’m guitaring…  Truly, there’s no such word.  But if one can harp, it should be passed into law that one can guitar in response!  Fitness is a serious endeavor.  You only do what you talk about: it’s the people that call other people thieves and liars, that are thieves and liars themselves!  I am a health nut.  So that’s what I talk about.  Well, I do know other subjects: squirrels are fascinating!  You know?

Why I always harp on you about it is: ‘Tay-Koe-Nos-Koe’,  ( I know you mosquito! )  I love Spanish because it’s such an expressive language: very picturesque and romantic, with all it’s picturesque connotations and penetrations…  I’m wandering off topic.  Look!  Here’s human nature:  A person tells you they’ll do a thing and they probably won’t because they get to busy with other things and just forget.  But when a person says they won’t do a thing, it’s because they’re indignant about it.  That, they’ll remember!  So then they plague themselves with guilt (it’s a Catholic thing they spread like cancer), and end up doing the thing for you they said they wouldn’t do…  Backwards…

My point is this.  In spite of all our best intentions, we put things off.  We procrastinate.  It’s so ramped, it’s a national pass-time.  Never do today, what you can put off until tomorrow…  So I keep encouraging you to exercise because I know your life is at stake and we do love living very much indeed!  People do drugs which has been known to make them lazy.  They rationalize which makes them cut corners.  They misconceive which makes them think house-work is exercise.  There was a time I thought belching and farting was strenuous!  So I’m on you like a fly on a wall, only for your encouragement and well being.  That being said, let’s move on to the good stuff.  Shall we?  I really don’t know, because you never talk to me, so I have to guess what person is thinking what, and try to cover everybody.  I think that went well.  Don’t you?

Muscle and bone loss

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Once we pass 30, which flies up on you like a damaged Cessna, we begin to loose muscle and bone density.  And the old adage: ‘What you don’t use, you loose!’,  still stands after eons of mega-loss! Now if you’re past 50, you’ve lost so much muscle mass, that you’ll never carry a six pack unless it’s marked: ‘Coors Lite…’  If you’re younger than that, and you lift weights regularly, you’ll have women lapping water from your cat’s dish, just to be near you!

There’s this gorgeous girl of female persuasion, that visits Leslie nearly every single day.  She flirts with me, and she’s only 22!  I’m 62, and people say that I don’t look a day over 61 and a half. LOL!  She drools over the healthy soups I make, and has her own pup tent in my kitchen!  She worships the ground I walk on, and throws buckets of holy water at me because she knows I’m good for her.  So it rubs off.  I may not be a national hero just yet, but I am hers!

Tips for the weak and decrepit

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Now this guy is either in, or approaching his 60’s.  You’d be hard pressed to Tango with him because of his strength and stamina, and his connections to a Mafia King-pin.  His youthful exuberance and penetration, is the one thing nobody can take away from him unless they own a bazooka!  Don’t you want to remain horny?

You can also see that he’s still alert enough to do calculus and his fingers, and only wears glasses so he can see his nose! Someone left a frozen swimming pool in the background, with some guy there hoping to open but one more Mc. Donald’s Franchise…  Your youth is a treasure far beyond any financial gain.  Don’t throw it all away for a cheeseburger!  Throw it all away for Carmel Pecan ice-cream Yogurt!  That stuff is so good, I once ate a whole 2 quart tube of it, and turned into a human snot ball for over 3 hours!  It was dreadfully delightful at the time, but hardly worth it to me…  

So diet is all important to maintain that physique you work so hard for.  Replace all that meat with fruits and vegetables which actually taste better and have way less calories, are filling enough that you don’t feel like you have to continually eat all day, and has fiber to help keep you more regular, rather than large…  Why you could eat 2 onion, cucumber, and tomato sandwiches with half fat mayo on twelve grain (delicious) and only gain maybe 10 onces, removed by a glass of ice-water…   Hows that for weight control?

Happiness involves commitment

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Here’s a terrific blog via this guy in the picture with a really amazing article, pushing reasons for weight lifting:

https://dailyfitcoach.wordpress.com/2013/01/18/6-reasons-you-should-be-pumping-iron/

A bad back work-around for the tummy

Anyone with a bad back will tell you that sit ups are impossible for them.  I should know, I haven’t sat up in decades!  I have a real cool work-around for this that involves a bath-tub full of water, before you do your deep breathing exercises.  Bath salts are good to draw toxins from your skin, but to force crap out of your body, you can lie back and roll your tummy around 15 times a shot while you hold your breath and push down.  At first, you can hardly feel your stomach muscles moving at all.  After a little practice, you can really strengthen up your stomach muscles and easily flush out your colon daily.  I do 90 every 2 days, in 6 sessions, which takes all of 3 minutes.  

Then do 3 minutes of deep breathing exercises:  Fill your lungs with as much air as you can, hold it for 3 seconds, saying to yourself: ‘In with the good air’, then blow it all out with a flat tummy for 5 seconds saying: ‘Out with the bad!’  I don’t know why, but it works.  You’ll actually feel your lung capacity improve!  This makes for longer runs, and more stamina for your heart.  BTW, while you’re running, you’re not aging!  No one says you’re going to look like this:

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But you will get more oxygen to your brain and possibly raise your I.Q.  Also, lay on the floor for about five minutes afterwards, with your legs tucked up under your butt to prevent leakage, and let gravity and your own weight push against your spine.  You may even get a bone or two crack back into place.  A case in point: gravity removes the bags under your eyes if you sleep on your back ( The Royal Position )…  Butt I have a better idea…

Food for your face

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That’s right!  A couple of cucumber slices over your eyes for just 5 minutes every second day, adds collagen to your skin ( the stuff you get in expensive skin creams ) worth less than a cent!  I do it after my bath while I’m laying on the floor: ( I let people walk all over me! )…  Afterwards, I rub them all over my face, throat and hands.  This girl has been mistakenly sold some fake cucumbers, but as long as she’s happy, why tell her?

Well that’s it for my monstrous forking fitness tips…  I’m sure you’re all going to rush right out and run to Buffalo:  more like run ‘like’ a Buffalo.  Always remember though.  It’s your body, and you’ll only get out of it what you put into it.  Have a nice day, and go fork yourselves!

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