My Morning Prayer

Dearest Lard;


I sneak up on thee, in the name of our sovereign Father of all creation, Howard in Heaven;

It is with a collapsed lung, and a shriveled kidney that I love thee for thou art, science, and technology!

I ask of thee, only small free-bees…  Wait!  Let me get my list!

Grant me oh Lard, that I may see the terrible folly of everyone around me, especially my rotten better half!

Help her to get off my back, get up off her lazy ass, I’m sure you’re familiar with, and clean up my mess!

Teach her the alphabet, if they still have the soup on sale!

Help everyone on earth to follow my example as both a coward and a sneak!

Give me strength oh Lard, to hit the urinal, and raise my I.Q. by at least 15 points!

Direct me through traffic, and give me the road rage necessary to teach them all a lesson they’ll never forget!

Give me sex, a lot of money, and rulership over the Niagara peninsula!

Remove from me this stench that follows me, even after a shower!

Give me blindness to all the annoying questions people keep asking me.  I just want to be left alone!

Kill off all the insects you mistakingly made in the first place!

Give all my so called friends, pain, suffering and agony! 

Shoot all my enemies in the Temple!

OK…  That’s it for now.  I’ll pester you again whenever I feel like it…

I’m going to slither out of the room now…

In the name of your dearly beloved son, Dr. Kevorkian!


: Men!  Eh?




One thought on “My Morning Prayer

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