10 Ways to Fix Irritations

  • Ever try to untangle hangers in your closet, just to get at something to wear?  I propose walking around naked all the time in protest!  A good idea wood bee tiny clips between each hanging space.  Another wood bee to not buy so many clothes that you don’t wear.
  • What really annoys me is that commercial where they say by vacuum sealing your meat, it can last up to three years.  Then I buy my vacuum packed chicken, and it goes bad in three days!  I can only afford what’s on special OK?  What I propose, (buck, buck, buck), is slaughtering your own chickens in your bathroom sink.  Then you can be sure they’re fresh!  The little buggers are hard to catch though!
  • The plastic honey containers I get, are so hermetically sealed, an A bomb wouldn’t open them!  They’ve got these microscopic tabs that only give access to chipmunks!  I just cut a circle around them with a sharp knife…  Much faster, and far more practical than throwing them against the wall!
  • Everything you want to get to, is near the floor: bathroom and kitchen cupboards, dresser drawers, your socks, your shoes, the cat etc..  Why don’t they make a pole that’s just as tall as you, with a little rubber gripper on the bottom, so people with bad backs can get to things?  Maybe they have them already…  But with a bad back, it’s too far to walk to one!
  • I don’t know how many times I’ve asked people to repeat themselves!  Maybe it’s just a better idea to stay stupid!
  • Pavlov’s dogs were taught to drool every time someone rang a bell.  How come we don’t get called to supper that way anymore?  If we drooled more often, we’d prevent dry mouth and have fewer cavities.  I for one, drool all the time!
  • Why can’t they invent a technical support that actually technically supports you?  I just ask: ‘What did you say?’, until they hang up on me.  If you want something done right, do it yourself!  Get a book on your operating system, and learn it…
  • There are two traits in people I can’t stand.  That is lying and stealing!  So what I do, is lye and steal from them.
  • Just because I can’t make it to the bathroom before I pee down my leg, that doesn’t mean I should be demoted to wearing diapers again!  It’s embarrassing to try and find someone to change you.  Why don’t we invent pants that are insulated with sponge, and emit an after-shave stink like: High Karate for men, whenever we tinkle?  For women?  Just use perfume instead.
  • Bathroom weighing scales always read differently from your Doctor’s scale, in case you haven’t noticed.  So now when I want to know how much I weigh, I just look in the mirror…
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