How To Pick Up Your Guitar

Instruction Manual


How to pick up your guitar.  Hmmm…  That’s a tough one!  Well what you do is grab the silly thing by the neck and pick it up!  Don’t thank me.  That’s what I’m here for…  She looks a lot like a woman, so I usually spray her first!  LOL!  There’s a guitar neck lubricant you can buy at your local Band Shop Hangout.  No!  Looking at guitars all day won’t help you learn to play.  That’s a myth propagated by people who look at guitars all day.  What a waste of possible talent potential!  The lubricant obviously helps you to slip and slide on the neck much easier and is somewhat forgiving on your finger bunions.  I highly recommend that as a motivation factor…

Another thing that helps you to pick up your guitar instead of hiding in your closet because it’s looking at you, is to name her.  I picked up my special edition Martin from Detriot for only $3,500 American.  I say only, because because it <chichings> in at around $5,000 Canadian Monopoly bucks!  Only 24 made world wide, it sounds clear as a bell so felt best naturally inclined to name her: ‘Clarabelle’…  Naming your guitar helps to instill life into an otherwise inanimate object.  This is very important to most psychos because it helps to jar our memory sometimes as we slip in and out of playing mode.  Another good name is: ‘Isabelle’…  Is a bell really necessary for a bicycle?

How to put your guitar down


It’s not so easy as picking one up, let me tell you!  If you’ve ever been in a Band, you’ll know exactly why I say this.  Even acoustic guitars can be played with pick ups that attach to your amp., and with a maze of cords all about your feet, it’s so easy to catch your foot on the cord and pull your guitar tumbling to the floor, usually braking her neck!  I know this because I broke and had fixed, two guitars (one acoustic and one electric ‘Les Paul’, more commonly known now as an Epiphone) before I finally broke down and bought a couple of these invaluable accessories.  Both novices and professionals alike appreciate the rubbler fitting on the bottom so you don’t in advertently scratch me lady.


If you are in a Band, it’s always a good idea for you all to chip in and spurge on one of these babies!  With your girls all hangout at the same bar, a good idea while you break for marijuana cabbage rolls, is to neatly clip the cords together, as neatly accomplished by using a silly bread tie, so then you won’t trip and break your own neck.  

Enjoy playing by yourself in an alley way, after dark, waiting to get mugged, just so pleased that somebody heard you, or with friends who like to criticize your work and make you feel more like a chimp with an organ grinder.  

Nor should you ever worry about playing in front of an audience.  For one thing, you can always milk them, and if it sounds good to you, it will more than likely sound good to at least four people out there!  You’ve practiced all this time, just so you can shine, so go home and get your shoe box!  Any show of nerves is disastrous for both your confidence in yourself, and that of your audience, that you’re really prepared to play: a word that truly disguises a lot of work!  You’ll only get out of it what you put in.  That concludes our lesson on how to pick up your guitar!  Don’t forget to carry them with you, it’s hard to play without them!  Coom-by-ah my Lord…  Coom-by-ah…  Oh Lordie Coom-by-ah…   Shhhh!  I’m sleeping…


11 thoughts on “How To Pick Up Your Guitar

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