Rant # 1

Getting my rants confused…

I thought I’d just better number my rants in sequence, so I can count my rants without having to check the category, and admire my progress in sighting all the obnoxious CRAP, this world puts out!  There’s too much of it!  You know?  If a caveman found a stick, he’d be happy with that, know that all he has to worry about and look out for all his life, is his stick, which he later renamed: ‘spear’.  With this one tool, he could hunt, eat, build a fire, build his mansion where Hollywood Blvd. stands today!  I say there’s genius in simplicity, LOL, so why do we need all of these gizmos and gadgets?  What were we talking about?

Cave Painting Story Teller

This looks perfectly comfortable to me!  There are two seats for intelligent conversation, no laundry to do really…  The woods can always be your dumping ground!  You have your spear…  You’re ready to rock!  See I’d take a lesson from primitive beings covering their butts, and expose mine.  Mooning is not an offence in Canada, so why not just moon for always?  You don’t even have to pull your pants down when you go poe poe…  I’ve seen it in teen videos.  I mean, it’s not like they all look different or something.  Did you further know you can go topless as a woman living in Canada, yet I’ve not seen a single one take off her top yet!  How are we gonna get tourism dollars now?

 

Fruit with stickers on them!

 

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A wash label?  What do you take us for besides apple money?  We’re so stupid we’re not gonna wash our fruits and vegetable, if it weren’t for your valuable, out-dated information!  Now I gotta stand in front of the sink, and not only soak everything, your stickers are impervious to Hydrogen Peroxide, water and cider vinegar, so I have to stand there like a big dummy now, for 20 minutes, peeling all your ignoramus stickers off!  Do us all a huge favour wood ya?  Don’t grow apple trees that grow stickers on them!

 

Cheap store bought plastic shopping bags!

They charge you a nickel each for the crumby things and they all develop holes in them before you can get them home!  Now how cheap is that?  Can’t even be used for garbage bags because the greedy Bathed Turds want you to by their real garbage bags for $7.99!

Where are all the glass fridges?

All they have now are those big steel clunkers that make ice.  Big deal…  Fridges from 1964 made ice!  They’re called: ‘Ice-cube trays!’  Now what are we gonna do with all our useless ice-cube trays?  Serve tiny, frozen orderves?  Glass fridges have dark tinted glass and a light switch on the outside, so you can just turn on the light and see what’s in the fridge instead of standing in front of the open fridge door all day trying to decide what to eat, completely unaware that you’re setting off a nuclear winter!  All those open fridge doors costs us peanut money too!

Midgets stealing my sock!

Inevitably, every time I do a laundry, I loose a sock!  What is that? Voodoo?  I mean, according to this rampage of missing socks, you’d think we’d be able to find at least one of your lost socks laying by a curb somewhere.  That’s why we have to be on the look out for one socked people!  So the world can reclaim 50 million missing socks!  A hint might be a person with one shoe!

Arguing with my Spouse!

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Look!  I know certain things I say can trigger Leslie off and put me into big trouble!  I sometimes can avoid saying them, and sometimes not.  See she’s more upper crust, and as you can tell by the picture above, I’m from the other side of the tracks…  So what I might find funny, she might find vulgar, rude, and thoroughly disgusting!  It’s habitual for me, for instance, to say, ‘I gotta go deposit a brown one!’  Meaning: ‘Go take a dump!’  I’ll sometimes slip, instead of saying the right thing: ‘Might I make with secretions in the Lavatory, my succulent Queen Bee?’

She sometimes asks me why I won’t spoon with her, and I tell her because it’s 9,000 digress in here!  That’s why!  If she’d prefer, I could always stick my head in the oven, and get off sniffing marijuana cabbage rolls, but no, she’d much rather complain that my balls are hanging out…  You know I play Tennis eh?  OK.  Just thought I’d better specify the particular balls I’m referring to…

Awe!  This is a test.  Had it been an actual alert, I would have been instructed to refer to the book: ‘Women are from Venus!  Men are from Mars!’  I never downgrade Leslie though,  She has no trouble doing that to me on her own.  Yet the former Social Worker needs instructions from me when it comes to using a computer?  Sometimes I think she’s just hoping I’ll communicate with her.  And I do!  By E-mail…

She expects me to figure things out by mental telepathy.  When she rubs my back for example, it’s because she wants to get laid, and not because my back hurts.  Wouldn’t the logical thing to do, be to call in a Chiropractor?  How come there are no mobile Chiropractors?  Isn’t that backwards too?  When my back goes out, I’m the one who can’t walk!

And I do find it peculiar, that she always walks by me slumped over, using her cane, moaning in pain and agony, yet sprints to the phone like an athlete, before I can get anywhere near it…  She could be trying to pull a fast one in plain sight.   Aren’t those people called :  ‘Sneaks?’  LOL!

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