The Joys of Torturing Your Hamster!

HAMSTER ON A WHEEL

Someone who got more exercise in school than I did!   And he  (Hamburger) got a wheel!  I got my walking papers!

I didn’t even want one!

My mother gave me a Hamster for Christmas when I was around seven.  I hated her for it!  Well look at the stupid thing!  It’s just a rat with a snubbed tale; always running on that stupid, wheel that goes nowhere all the time…  They don’t know.  They’re to stupid to recognise that the scenery hasn’t changed!  My mother made me bath and diaper him so his play house wouldn’t smell!  So when she wasn’t looking, I used to squeeze the poops out of him right into the garbage.  They look like tiny footballs, so one day the cat got curious and started batting them around the house and made a touchdown, right in front of my Mother!  She sentenced me to my room, which  is right where the Hamster lived!

You may not want to look…

man-running-hamster-wheel-treadmill

As with the picture of the man above, we subconsciously reveal what we did to Hamsters when we were young, and reveal the horrible truth, sooner or later  Look at him.  That poor, pitiful creature, trying to make up for all those years, that he too resented the fact that Hamsters got more physical education than him!  He too learned to play football because of the shape of Hamster poops!  All Football Players once tortured Hamsters.  Some still do!  When he’s through with that wheel, it will be his Hamsters turn!  You cruel bathed turd!  Why don’t you pick on a Hamster your own size?

Forensic experts say: ’Some of them become Cereal Killers!’

I swear on my Mummy’s Sphinx,  I’ve yet to rip open one box of Shreddies!  I wanted to shred them!  But I kept my cool, and always ate every single square, intact, and I have a letter from my Lawyer to prove that!  And I never killed my Hamsters!  Not a one!  I did make them join in on my  Olympic Games though; pitting Hamsters against each other in one dangerous sport after another!  I made a tiny bob-sled course, and captured sick, videos of their hair standing up, and their tiny eyes popping out with shear, exquisite, terror!   How I smiled with glee, as they went for a whizz!

Hamsterwithsign

I did move on to larger game though…

It wasn’t long, before I convinced my Mummy, to buy me a pet Elephant, on the condition I would keep him diapered and safe, in his Hamster’s cage.  Well we were poor and couldn’t afford an Elephant cage; I had to take the wheel out, and it took some doing, but I got him in there…  His big, Pack-a-germ paws broke through the bottom of the cage, so at least he got to crush my furniture, including my brother, who now walks on his toes, like a Dinosaur;  My brother: ‘Dinkosaurous Rex’ didn’t deserve that!

So one morning, I stuck a cork up Daisy’s butt, and waited behind her with a wine bottle, waiting for her to flit…  Then suddenly, my Mummy came into my room with ice tinkling in her glass of Nitro Glycerine, she just quipped: ‘Stop playing with your Elephant, you’re going to be late for school!’  Then she walked back out.  I stood there stunned; unable to blink even, at what just happened!  Here’s a picture of my pet Elephant Daisy:

Funny-Elephant-In-Starting-Blocks-HP

She was always running away from me!  I only tortured her once, trying to mate her with a Hippo, and she hasn’t forgotten it since!  Well I wanted to see what I’d get, an Eloppo, or a Hippophant?  I thought maybe, if I exchange their brains…  It was just after that, Daisy refused to wear her diaper anymore.  Perfume only!  The baby ‘Humpadrone’ survived, but I sold it to a freak show in Timmons Ontario, so I could buy a giraffe…  Then one fine day, I gave the giraffe  a laxative, and he up and, hung himself in my basement!  We had to bury the entire neck separately  :O(

Moral of The Story:

Never trust a Football Player to babysit your Hamster! 

Football_Player

Notice the shape and the color of the football!   It’s shaped just like a Hamster poop!  Oh for shame Father!   Since I’ve read the book: ‘How to Rip The Wings off of  Insects and Enjoy It Less!’   Now I only torture Froggy…  Wouldn’t let me borrow your Zebra would ya?  I didn’t think so…

_MG_2086 

 

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