52 Ways to Leave Your Lover…

  • Just step on the bus Gus. (Just decide out of the blue, you don’t really need to collect up your stuff that badly).
  • No need to discuss much (Sneak out).
  • No need to be coy Roy. (act like everything’s normal).
  • Just set yourself free!  (Think of all the reasons why you want to leave.  Then ask  a close friend for more reasons)!
  • Take her on a hike up a steep hill.  Then parachute to safety!
  • ‘I HATE YOU!’ always works.
  • Send her to the store for a pound of mince.  Then call a cab.
  • Call her Mother fat.  Then order a Pizza, extra large, the works!  Then tip The Delivery Boy $100, say: ‘She’s all yours!’  And leave.
  • Have her mail a big box to Cuba, with you in it…
  • Kiss the Repair Guy smack on the lips, and then ask for a discount. (The squeamish, should have a bucket ready)!


  • Take her out on a Picnic.  Then just roll her up in the blanket, and run away!
  • Buy her a $50,000 (It’s a fake) diamond ring, and then slip the Proprietor $50 to call her and ask when he might expect payment. Then shrug your shoulders, and try to look as stupid as you can!
  • If her name’s Heather, while making out, whisper in her ear: ‘Oh Janice…’
  • Go!
  • Buy her a Pez dispenser for her pills. Then when she goes to sleep, you can actual move out your furniture too!
  • Fake a heart attack, and then have someone come and dig you up later.
  • Intentionally shoot a tennis ball into her eye.  Then call her: ‘Popeye’ all week.  That should just about do it.
  • Remember the movie: ‘Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte?’  Need I say more?
  • Remember the movie: ‘Straightjacket?’  Need I say more?
  • Remember the movie: ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?’  Need I ???


  • Intentionally call up The Nut House yourself, and tell them to come pick you up.  It’s more difficult for her to intervene when an authority figure, third party is involved.  Then look for a place on your weekend pass; three square meals, and roof over your head?  Technically, it’s a start!
  • Tie her to a horse, and then yell: ‘GITTY UP!
  • Every time she says something to you, ask her: ‘WHAT?’ pretending you didn’t hear her.  That drives them batty!  They will ask you to leave eventually…  LOL!
  • Join Jehovah’s Witnesses.  Let them brainwash her.  Then, sin!
  • Is the house in your name?  Good.  Send the little woman and a kiddies out for ice cream.  Then burn the house down, put a: ‘For Sale’ sign on the lot full of cinders, collect on the Insurance, and move to Buffalo…  Meanwhile, there’s always Social Insurance (Welfare).  That makes 26, just in case you’re counting.  Ooooo!  Half-way!  The point of no return!


  • Let him find a Voodoo doll of him full of pins, in your dresser drawer.
  • Become an alcoholic.  If he’s patient, he’ll be gone in 6 months.  If he isn’t, he’ll be gone in 6 weeks.  Then while he applies for custody of the children, join AA!
  • Dig up a grave and get a heart.  Then, after he’s come home from a particularly hard day at work, say: ‘This is your heart!’  Then, drop it to the floor, kick it into a corner, and step on it with your stiletto heal, looking at him all the while like you’re thoroughly enjoying yourself.  I have no doubt, you are!
  • Take him over to your horny, fat girlfriends house, and sell him for some cookie mix!
  • Find him a job as Pin Boy at a bowling Alley, so he won’t feel too crushed when you drop the bomb on him. ‘Is Big, sensitive Boo Boo gonna cry?’
  • Buy him a new car, and remove the brakes.


  • Act like an imbecile, and only bring him crumby bread, and Grouper, and Head cheese.  Burn food on one side, and don’t cook it on the other!
  • If his name is Bob, while making out, whisper in his ear: ‘Oh Neil!’
  • No sex!
  • Never speak to him again!
  • Hop on a train Jane,
  • No need to be moody Judy.
  • Take everything but his clutch!
  • Just set yourself free. (Pretend you’re going to be in a Play in which you are a beautiful butterfly.  Then put your fairy wings on, and fly away…
  • Remember the movie: ‘The Ice Queen?’  Need I say more?
  • Remember the movie: ‘Wanted?’  I can say no more…  I’ve run out of space…


  • Live life in a fantasy world!  Men hate fantasy, and new it was crushed when Godzilla stepped on Bambi!  Us men think you’ve gone loopy then, and usually crawl out an open window, to a waiting get-away car!
  • Buy him a blow-up Doll for Christmas, and who knows, he may be just as happy without you…
  • Put some shoe polish around your eye, and call The Police!  Most men hate the thought of jail.  We’re afraid we’ll meet a big, burly guy named Burt, who’s looking for a new pet!
  • Tell him you’ve contracted VD (Venereal Disease), like Chicken Pocks, or Mumps…  Then tell him that you’re still willing to have sex with him anyway!  If you come near him, he’ll try to shot you!
  • Tell him you want to take a picture of him, at the edge of a cliff,  Then tell him you need him to back up just one step more…  Don’t forget to take the picture.
  • Move in your 9 brothers, who just happen to be members of a Motorcycle Gang, and then leave his smelly underwear all over the place, and blame it on him!  Then laugh as they crack watermelons over his head!
  • ‘Go crawl under a rock!’ sometimes works.  We usually do everything you tell us anyway…
  • You could always convince him to join NASA’s space program, and wave, as he blasts off on a deep space mission to find rocks!
  • Tell Gladamere Putin that your hubby called him: ‘A big, fat Putin-head!
  • Send him out to get one of his favourite foods, like Peanut-butter or Haggis…  Then take off to Albuquerque New Mexico!  Or, if you’re Canadian, Loblaw’s!

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