General Relativity

Proof I’m a Twit!

How I resemble a pregnant goldfish…

    I go to The ‘Foot Doctor’ ( Toes ‘R’ Us ), and got fitted for Orthotics.  Waited forever for the results to come back from what must be a group of trained Scientists that asked me to walk up to the reception desk and back…  Finally, after six weeks, they are approved.  Then I go to the foot store, and buy only the very finest sneakers from Singapore!  First, I was asked to walk up to the cash register and back; it was determined I am flat footed, and that my right foot bends inward.  This is why my shoes absolutely had to come from Singapore!  Tricky Devils!  I know what they’re up to.  They’re trying to make a profit!  I’m on to them though, and next time I’ll ask them for something from Taiwan!

So to make a short story longer, I came home with my orthopaedic fitted clod hoppers (apparently, in Singapore, I’m a size 13!  Huh…  Tiny people equipped with shoes for Big Foot.  That’s odd), ran 60 feet up to the corner, got tired, came home, threw the shoes out, and watched TV.  I know what you’re all thinking: ‘So what did you watch?’  I like The Simpsons…  I think Homer is a genius!  Now you’re thinking: ‘Yup…  He’s a Twit alright!’

Canadian I.Q. Test

  • Without looking or using your fingers, how many toes are on your right foot?
  • Using only your mind, how long is an inch worm?
  • Think you’re smart eh?  Pi r squared, or round?

How to avoid work

Use the gag reflex

If anyone even mentions lifting more than 5 pounds, turn the other way, stick your finger down your throat, and puke on their rug!  In my case, I get tired as soon as I get up, and need a nap right away…  In fact, I consider just getting up, a major achievement!  Usually I don’t get up until the sun comes up…  In march…  I’m a tad late this year.  <YAWN!> 

There are lots of ways to get out of helping people.  My friend Marcus asked me to help him clean up his back-yard.  There’s a giant, cut up tree back there; briers, weeds, a car wreck, and tall grass!  Well wouldn’t you know?  It was then that I suddenly bent down to pick up a fly, and developed sever back pain!  I crumpled to the floor like a wrecked paper aeroplane!  There, breathless, with just moments to live (seemingly), I pulled Marcus close to me, and whispered: ‘Get your Mom to help you.’  It’s OK.  She’s only 78, and is still spry enough to lift a twig or two…  What if I should permanently damage my guitar playing finger? (Using all four is too strenuous…)

I used to call in to work complaining of a headache, with heavy rock music playing in the back-ground.  They already knew, I never work longer than an hour without asking The Boss for a few weeks off…  I figure, I may as well get that in early, so he knows I mean business!  Even as I struggle to find the words, I’d like to go float in a donut with a large Mai Tai!

Lost in space

Even feeding myself is exhausting…

I swear (Gosh darn!), if it wasn’t for take out, I’d starve to death; all that prep work getting The TV Dinner in and out of The Microwave!  And that adhesive plastic, locking in your desert forever!  How do you even manage?  I never get out of bed, unless there’s a fire, and even then, it’s only to turn on my fan…  No.  What I recommend, is just walking around aimlessly, and doing nothing.  Well, my typing finger is getting soar now…  I’d take a typing class, but why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

And after all these years of trying to make my brain have a thought, I’ve finally come to a contusion as to what it is that makes me so tired all the time…  Gravity!



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