The Caine Mutiny

Cast of Characters

  • Captain Queege…………………………Humphrey Bogart
  • First Mate (Bucky)………………………..Christopher Francis
  • Private Pulver…………………………….Van Johnson
  • Enson Benson…………………………….Lee Marvin
  • Ship Psychiatrist…………………………Fred Mac. Murray
  • The crew…………………………………..Referred to as: ‘Crew Members’

The Captain’s Log:

January 17th. 4:15 am. 1954.

The men still tend to be rebellious at every turn!  They thought it was the strawberries, but I know there was a key; an extra key to the Canteen refrigerator.  And I would have found that key too, if I’d only gotten to The Canteen early, while hoping for an extra helping of strawberries myself.  It was then I knew that pilfering of an entire bowl of extra strawberries had occurred!  Pilfering is a serious offense at sea, and will not be tolerated on this ship!  I respectfully request 5 more gallons of strawberries to make up for the loss…  I have to find that key!

January 17th. 7:32 am. 1954

aCaine_Mutiny_1.

loud Speaker:  ‘NOW HEAR THIS!  NOW HEAR THIS!  Will Enson Benson please report to the Captain’s Mess right away?  THAT IS ALL!’

Enson Benson: ‘Just look at this Mess!  Don’t you ever clean up around here?  You want the crew to think you’re some kind of slob?  No disrespect intended, you lazy Sloth…’

Captain Queege:  ‘Ummm….  Enson…  Ha!  The most silly thing!  Why I’m even too embarrassed to speak of it.  Never-the-less, I seem to have misplaced my key to the Canteen refrigerator, and I was wondering if I might borrow yours?’

Enson Benson:  ‘Your admirableness, you know full well that I don’t have a duplicate key!  I told you after supper last night, that since you finked out to the entire crew that you want to find a missing key, whoever took it, has probably thrown it overboard by now! If you still must insist upon this missing key, then some of my friends would have to meet some of your friends, and you know what that would mean!’

Captain Queege: ‘(Pulls 3 large ball-bearings out of his pocket and begins clicking them between his fingers as he speaks). (Click, click, click, click, click, click)…  ‘Enson?  What if I were to ask you to pull your pants down?’ (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)

Enson Benson: ‘I’d say No Sir…’

Captain Queege: ‘OK you can go Enson…’ (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…) [I must find those strawberries!]

January 18th. 11:15 am 1954.

Enson Benson, the ship’s Psychiatrist and Private Pulver meet to discuss Queege’s condition…

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Ship Psychiatrist:  ‘So what has our esteemed Captain called you up on the red carpet for this time Bob?’

Enson Benson:  ‘Well those clickers he uses drives me nuts anyway!  He wanted to look under my Sheboygan for the missing key…’

Ship Psychiatrist:  ‘You know what those clickers mean don’t you?  Acute Paranoid Schizophrenia that’s what!  There are no missing strawberries!  It’s all part of his sick, delusion!  He wanted to see your Sheboygan?’

Private Pulver:  ‘You mean he has actually gone over the edge?’

Ship Psychiatrist:  ‘You stay out of this Pulver!  Your I.Q is limited to that of a gnat!  Don’t you see what’s happening here?  Our fine Captain has gone round the bend, looped the loop, joined the circus!  In short gentleman, our Captain is an Acorn! A fruit loop!  A ding bat!  A Mars bar! Gone bananas!’

Enson Benson:  ‘It couldn’t be because you dislike him could it?’

Ship Psychiatrist: ‘Sure I like him.  But I’m not the one looking for an imaginary key just because I like strawberries!’

Enson Benson: ‘ You know what you’re saying?’ (Private Culver covers his ears…)

Ship Psychiatrist: ‘ Yes gentlemen…  We’re talking mutiny!  But don’t you see?  If someone doesn’t take over command, he could put a hole in the ship or something!  God only knows what a screw-ball can do with a battle-ship gentlemen!  We’ve only one choice…  I think we’d better inform the rest of the staff and crew that we’re dealing with a maniac and shouldn’t obey his horn blats any longer!  We’ve been circling in the same spot for weeks!  Lets just humour the guy until we can get into a port and speak to: The Comity Against Daffy Naval Captains…‘  If we turn the ship around, will he notice?  I mean, it’s all the same ocean no matter how you look at it.  Isn’t it?’

On Watch with Bucky.

January 20th. 9:18 am. 1954.

Captain Queege:  So Bucky!  How are the men wandering about their duties today? (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)

Bucky:  ‘Everything is ship-shape your mightiness Sir!’

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Captain Queege:  ‘No it’s not!  YOU THERE!  SAILOR!  YES YOU!  TUCK THAT SHIRT TAIL IN NOW!  Bucky?  I want that man on report for insubordination, not following the rules, and making fun of me!’ (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)

Bucky:  ‘I don’t see anyone with their shirt tail hanging out Sir…’

Captain Queege: T’HAT’S BECAUSE I TOLD HIM TO TUCK IT BACK IN, YOU IDIOT!’ (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)

Captain Queege:  ‘AND YOU TWO DOWN THERE PLAYING CHESS!  I SEE YOU PUTTING THE BOARD AWAY!  Bucky!  put them both on report for having fun while on duty!’ (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)

Bucky:  ‘What fun your crankiness?  The men you’re pointing at, are cleaning a gun turret…’

Captain Queege: ‘Smarty pants huh? (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)  I’LL HAVE YOU ALL ON REPORT FOR DISOBEYING A SENIOR OFFICER!!’

(stomps back to his Quarters… (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)

 

 

Queege assembles The Crew!

January 21st. 10:am. 1954.

Loud speaker:  ‘NOW HEAR THIS!  NOW HEAR THIS!  Everyone assemble on The Poop Deck…  THAT IS ALL!’

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Captain Queege:  (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…) ‘ I’d kindly ask whoever left that big, pile of poop on The Poop deck to please remove it!  I don’t think that’s funny!  (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)  You know me by now.  I’ve been your Captain for, what is it?  5 days?  You!  Wentworth!  Didn’t I allow you to lick my plate just yesterday?’ (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)

Wentworth:  ‘I’m allergic to food your Holy Macaroni, Sir…’

Captain Queege:’ Farmberry!  Did I not let you shine my shoes in the rain?  Did I not have you cut my toe-nails, and laugh when you suffered the whip for being happy?  Have I not been your friend?  Acquaintance then?  Passer-by on the street?  Possible espionage Agent perhaps?’  (Insert crickets…) (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)

Captain Queege:  ‘Well has anyone been out to a bar with me or something?  No? How about to church?  Any church goers remember me?  I guess not…  I’M NOT NUTS!  YOU’VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME BEYOND ALL REASON!’ (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)

Crew Member: ‘Well: ‘Old Yellow Stain’ Sir, did you or did you not, steam over our own tow line during that silly safety drill you put on?’

Captain Queege: (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)  ‘Why nonsense!  I was just trying to see if my crew was alert and ready, and you were weren’t you!  ‘Old Yellow Stain’?  I wet the bed once…  Why are you being rebellious at every turn?’

(Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…) (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…) (Click, click, click, click, ,click, click…)

Wentworth:  ‘Rush’m Fellers! (CRASH, CRINCKLE, SNAP, FLOP!)  That’s got’m ‘till we can have’m stand trial for incompetence, stealing strawberries, and blaming it on us, and for making us tuck our shirts in!  Wandering around in a daze, and stuff like that there!’

 

End (Part1)

Stay tuned for (Part2) :

‘The Trial of Captain Queege!’

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One thought on “The Caine Mutiny

  1. Pingback: The Caine Mutiny | Spartacus2030

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