Love-Hate Relationships

The Love

Oh well…  Any writer with any salt in his/her blood has to eventually tackle this very, touchy,enigmatic and perplexing topic we call: ‘love’  It has been revered, admired, and sought after for a definitive answer by poets, philosophers and the greatest minds that ever lived: What is the spark between a man and a woman, and how do men keep it ablaze?  LOL!  Being a man, it’s as pertinent a question, I could possibly ask of myself…

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After all, if a couple is to interact for a prolonged period of time, many factors must be taken into consideration;  beginning with that all important question: ‘Is she the girl for me?’  Is she industrious or lazy?  Does she do enough drugs to take down a Rhino in mid-stride?  What do you think this might do to your own reputation, and how would you begin to feel toward her as a result?  Yes my friends.  Everything is now ‘interactive’ and shared between the two of you; and I Do mean everything!  What about her past?  What about your own past?  Have you matured enough to handle a relationship?  And what if it should suddenly turn volatile?  What should you do?  Will you sneak away with your tail between your legs, or are you adapt at handling such situations, possibly involving Police, and a strange Mechanic who keeps hanging around your house?  Hers or your characters both may be at stake here!  Do you really want jail as part of a relaxing evening at home?  At least one of you must be more passive.

With these many questions, no wonder there’s been so much strife and controversy about this touchy,enigmatic and perplexing subject…  I know I’ve already said that.  I’m trying to bring the point home, your poor, lonely Troglodytes…  It isn’t until you’ve established you can stand and look at each other for more than 20 seconds and tolerate the experience; given that you’re that interested in her to begin with, and she in you, that something might ignite this flame of passion!  These are sure signs of eventual entrapment!  LOL!  It won’t be long before she’ll have you under her spell!  You’ll be taking her garbage out, and asking yourself what you’re doing with foreign garbage?  Do NOT go through it for clues!  She’ll wonder why it takes 3 hours to empty the garbage, come looking for you, discover you’ve betrayed her trust in you, and leave you, for a dead meatball!

Getting comfortable in The Dead Zone…

Oh you can still see your friends.  Just not as often as before.  In fact, be prepared if they forget your name!  Look to all of nature, and you will see that it’s the female of the species that is the hunter; The Black widow promptly eats the male after sex!  Do you know why?  She was left unfulfilled!  Let’s face it, if you were one tenth of your girl-friends size, she’d be left in wanting too!  I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous in my whole life!  AND I DON’T LIKE TO MADE TO LOOK RIDICULOUS!  Oh, sorry…  I lost my sanity for a moment…  There’s a saying, and I believe it: ‘A man chases a woman until she catches him!’

Look at The Queen Bee; does she not only mate with the highest flying drone?  Well then?  It’s beginning to look a whole lot like us men have to be more then just on our best behavior to maintain a relationship.  You must worship her!  You must kneel to her bidding, and give up any earthly cravings or pleasures that she might perceive supersedes her robust beauty, or it will be forbidden you; so try not to get too excited about anything unless it has to do with he,r or the small army of body guards, spies, policemen, local, political representative, and a professional Hit Man she keeps around, just in-case.

If she doesn’t please you, keep a smile on your face until your Psychiatrist can solve the problem for you!  Wait on her hand and foot as often as possible.  They seem to enjoy a lot of attention.  It makes them feel more secure in your love for them and avoids a possible hit and run!  Never, ever, but EVER forget an occasion!  I don’t care if it’s her Uncle’s Tuesday night checker game.  Be there!  And if it’s really your 19th. nervous breakdown, no calling an ambulance!  You crawl to The Hospital like a man!

Women and slight exaggerations.

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She may approach you one day afraid that her gums will collapse, and all her teeth will come rolling out of her mouth, like so many dice…  Upon oral examination, you can see no sign of any deterioration or infection of any kind.  Never-the-Less, lie your face off!  Tell her: ‘Oh yeah!  I can see that bulbous, root, right in the front there!  You should get that tended too right away!’  It’s just a vanity attack..  Some women get them sometimes.  You still must fulfill her perceived needs though; just as if it were real… 

If you ask: her how her Doctor’s visit was, she’ll just say: ‘Well after 2000 X-Ray,s and a million MIR’s, I now glow in the dark, and the ringing in my ears is permanent!  Anymore foolish questions?’  See? Wrong approach.  Just hug her understandingly, as soon as she walks in the door, and say: ‘I’m sorry he did that to you!  I’m phoning the cops!’  Then leave a new message on your answering machine:  ‘At the sound of the shot, leave a brief message, and my Under-taker will get right back to you…’  Then go cry in the bathroom, when there’s a phone call.  It works every time…  Women hate to have to repeat themselves with a big, wad of gum in their mouths, so just nod like you heard what she was saying and hope she doesn’t ask you to repeat it back to her!

Women are sensitive creatures!

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No matter how we try to avoid this, women need special attention from men.  Not the usual kind of attention, but something to intrigue and fascinate her!  Be charming to the point of night sweats!  Tell her that her gloves look lovely today, serve her protein in bed.  You know?  Beforehand, do extra special things like: brush your teeth!  Gargle with mouthwash, and put some: ‘High Karate’ on; just like you use to do when you were first dating.  Remember that?  I’m talking specifically to the Neanderthals and Crow-Magnums among us now.  In short, you must sometimes become her Prince, wine her and dine her, take her to The Babylon Club!  Give her some kind of life, rather than constantly worrying about the dangers of going low on peanut-butter…  Be forgiving when the door slams back on your nose!  If you’re fortunate, it will only be a day or two until things cool down.  Be carful though.  Some women have it in them to stay mad at you for centuries!  Even Eons!

Can they trust you?

This is extremely important to all women attempting to fall for you.  It would be wise to become a Boy-Scout leader, attend some religious affiliation, as long as it’s not a Satanic Cult or White Supremacist group…  Continue to always say please and thank you to her, so you don’t appear to be going nuts!  Remember!  You may think you own the car, yet in reality, she’s just letting you drive.  And don’t ever give her driving lessons!  Dish out the cash.  It’s worth avoiding the look of shear terror on your face, as she swerves to avoid a chipmunk, clips a fire hydrant, and rear ends a police car, while backing out from a donut shop!

Even so, if you say she was to blame, you’ll be arguing about it for six months, and guess what?  You’ll loose!  So instead, scream at the top of your lungs: ‘STUPID CHIPMUNK!’, tell the cop you’re just a Hitch-hiker, and run like the wind!  As soon as she come home by bus, volunteer to pay for the impounding of the car…  You’re going to have to anyway, so why not just leave all the rest of it up to the driving instructor to begin with?

Women need to know that they can have their puppy love fantasy return to them.  They are romantic, many of them, and do deserve some pampering after all they do for us!  Stare into her eyes with love!  Hug them often!  Wash their backs and paint their toe nails!  Give them massages, and my friend, you have just brought yourself closer to her affections!  There’s a wise man.  How strenuous can it really be?  LOL!  You never know, rewards ARE possible.  Be fancy and splurge on them once in a while;

Take them to the Theater!  Teach them how to ride a Horse! Go to Australia to pick her a special flower, snarling at small children all the way there and back, but please her somehow. So her you love her with the little things; small gambling debts, a quick game of darts , and tiny, flat tires!  Rush to her aid at all times…  Take her to an Artsy-Fartsie Gallery…  Even in the winter!  Do all of this, and you just may not be sorry.  If women changed their minds less often and men changed their underwear more often, their may be hope for us!  Learning how to compromise, helps to develop and strengthen trust…  Encourage them in their endeavors!  Be kind, patient, and actually appear like you’re listening to them!

The Hate

Women; what can I say?  Uhhhh…..<scratching head,,, … …>  You know?  They get right under my skin sometimes!  I don’t get how you can find yourself arguing over which one of us knows more about cheeses for 5 hours straight?  Why is everything over 3 pounds up to me to carry?  How-come when I first go to bed, I have half of it, and when I wake up, I find myself clinging to the side of the bed?  Why is my watch always wrong, even though there’s only 10 seconds difference between yours and mine?  Oh how it drives me bananas when you ask me to do something, I say: ‘Give me two seconds’ and you say: ‘Never mind!  I’ll do it myself…’  HOW CAN TWO SECONDS POSSIBLY MATTER???  I’m sorry, I haven’t been myself lately.  Not since AAAARRRRRRGGG!  Not since we first met!

And why?  LOL!  Why pray tell, must I be tagged along to spend 2 hours in a dress store?  We come out smelling like women ya know!  It’s embarrassing!  What if someone stops you that you know and says: ‘Say Bill!  You smell like a Hooker!’  Why are you always right?  If women were right that much and men were that wrong, why us men would be no smarter than your average tree sloth!  Why do you examine and torment me day and night?  I NEED ASPIRIN ALL THE TIME!  I’m sorry…  Sometimes I loose my composure, and my lunch!

There ought to be a higher court but there isn’t.  So maybe you should just do what I do: put on a fright-wig,a big-red nose, a pair of floppy pants and shoes, and just walk around like everything’s normal…  So if you’re expecting normal, that’s not love!  Get out before you start kicking dogs, and get arrested as a hostile clown!  Remember the first picture on this blog?  Well, just be sure it doesn’t end up looking like the last one here!  Be brave my son!  And always see the sunny side of life…  And we haven’t even discussed having, and raising children yet.  If only I weren’t a clown!  The biggest question that always haunts me is: ‘Why can’t I ever leave The Circus?’  

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