A Mayo-Maximus Infarction
Sorry! There are no pictures of farts on The Internet. The darn things are invisible, unless you have your own collection. I’d still like to speak with you about a serious, growing problem that apparently, the medical community chooses to over-look entirely! That of serious, beer combustion within the human body, and the serious implications involving friendships, vacations, church meetings, and elevator confrontations!
These attacks don’t happen until you go to bed mostly though, so they’re kind of sneaky that way. It all started off innocently enough; I was just having a good time blowing papers off my night stand and having a laugh, when suddenly, Leslie said: ‘I don’t that’s funny! It stinks in here!’ Then she abruptly turned over!
I laid back on my back troubled, hoping that the added pressure would keep these explosions inside, as they were now becoming more massive and even life threatening! The wind in the room, was shaping up into a category five! I had to think of something fast; these farts were lifting me off the bed! And I have no fart enabled Pilot’s license!
I looked up, and to my horror, shock and amazement, a massive, green, ‘doomsday cloud’ was taking shape and hovering near the ceiling! I tried spraying it with Fabreeze and instantly, the can just melted in my hand! So, with a chance of precipitation, I immediately began to thumb through the yellow pages. They’re the color of pee, so I thought that would be a good place to start… Do you realize, there’s not one Fart Doctor in the entire phone-book? I asked the operator, only to receive an ignorant pfffffft! It was a real Rembrandt too… The dirty birdy!
What with people all over the world forming massive, hurricane force, green clouds in their bedrooms, we could have a serious problem on our hands! The entire world could start to stink! Imagine green clouds forming everywhere, and massing together as one,giant, green, Doomsday cloud… What a terrible way to go; death by a horrible smell! How would they right that up anyway? I guess we’d be labeled with a ‘stinker’ sign and a: Caution sign labeled: ‘Danger, possible smelly storm brewing! Stay clear!’ Then a contamination zone of at least two miles radius should be established… Mothers should be asked to keep their children indoors with the air-conditioner unit on, to avoid buying Tide detergent and experiencing little or no results! And stay off The Internet’s ‘cloud’ or you’ll be sorry! The stench comes right through my monitor!
Precautions you can take
Nail down everything in the bedroom! Cover all precious items with bags, and put a clothes pin on your nose! Wash all clothing and bed sheets in sulfuric acid, and watch them disintegrate… Look! I know that when I have have to dump my cargo, I push and I push, and then something odd happens… My nose begins to run! So it is my theory that our noses are attached to our butts! So if you feel an attack coming on, blow your nose… It might help… Don’t eat anything that looks like it’s forming a mushroom cloud; cauliflower for instance, mushrooms, smashed potato’s…
Warn all friend and relatives away, and just simply tell them you are in a quarantine zone for now Wait several weeks for smell to fully disperse. Avoid combustible items like beer and broccoli, especially in combination! You could spontaneously ignite! Then write to your head politician, and demand a proliferation of fart Doctors, before we all run out of atmosphere! Specify the pain and suffering you endure, and pass on to others! Lift up the floor boards, and lite a match. If an explosion doesn’t occur, your safe… Attach lilacs to your butt and hope for the best… Or run for the hills! Many farts will help you up the hill… There must be some way to save the planet! Does anyone know of a cure for this deadly disease? Farts in the wind! All we are is farts in the wind…