I want my death to turn heads
It’s hilarious (at least to me), the lengths people will go to, when it comes to helping people fulfill their death wish these days. LOL! It just goes to prove, if you’ve got the cash, they’ve got the stash. Before we get into this incredible nonsense, lets take a look at how I’d like to go out; I’d like to be vaporized in a nuclear blast, and made into a fancy, new hair-spray, so I can hang with some women a bit longer. Another thing I was thinking of, is to be dipped in Lucite and made into a coffee table. I don’t suppose laughing to death would be as bad as it seems; though I would be a bit peeved if I were to be taken out by a chuckle…
Just think friends, you too can add to the junk in space by having some of your ashes inside something the size of a lip-stick tube. Am I using faulty logic here or might that only amount to a few fingers in space? Things are whipping around the Earth at 18,000 miles per hour to stay in orbit. So don’t be surprised if you decide to go for a space walk one day, and get pinged in the head by the remains of your own mother… Not a great idea… And look at all the expended fuel and space crap falling to Earth! Give a hoot! Don’t pollute!
What are people thinking?
OK, this is rich! They stick your Urn of ashes in this big cement ball, I guess along with a few Cocktail Waitresses and a News Reporter (whom-ever the deceased has decided to keep company with.) And one day, if a fish tastes your ashes, it will go: “Hawktooey! (They say that with Hawktooey, you sometimes raise a glass!)” What would a Minister have to say at the funeral? “Ashes to ashes, and dust to bubbles?” Oh no! Experiment with your own pond! We’re already breathing in Abraham Lincoln as it is…
Here’s a real Gem of an idea
A diamond in this case, (this case?) its hard to calculate just how many friends and relatives end up being stolen, dropped down the garbage compactor, flushed down the toilet, or eaten by a bull terrier? Yet at least this one makes some kind of sense to me, in a sentimental kind of way. I don’t just yet quite know how God’s going to figure this one out; that’s between you and your gem manufactures.
Or, they can take the carbon from you and make 240 pencils! Just think, you could go down as the written word; where-as I, would barely pass the entrance exam to get into Kindergarten! There’s no telling where we may be hiding if this keeps up… I wouldn’t mind this one, as long as you don’t use me with swear words :O)
And now for something completely different
Here, your ashes (not all 30 pounds of you!), are incinerated in the pigments of paint that looks like your sister… I dunno… That sounds pretty creepy to me; is this how ghosts are born? What’s wrong with a blown up jpg? You could always powder puff it yourself and save some cash… Then again, we don’t want to catch the maid dusting off our loved one. You’re liable to fall down the stairs and end up beside her…
Here you have my take on it. Here is one of my most favorite web-sites of the week, with lots of interesting, yet out-of-the-way things, that go all down the right side of the page. Be sure and check this out: http://www.oddee.com/item_96994.aspx
Would you like to know more of my methods?
I know of a way that’s pretty cool… Put the seed of a tree in the middle of my still beating heart. Put it in a basket made out of corn starch, (environmentally friendly), and then a tree will grow over my grave as a memorial to me; a kind of: “Don’t sit under the apple tree, with anyone else but me!” kind of thing; unless someone tricks me into being a rubber plant… Please God, just don’t let me become Silly Putty!
As I speak, they can take the skin off, cover you in plastic, attach a spring to your back, and you could answer the door with a recorded announcement, and floppy jaw for effect! You’d be the life of the party every Halloween!
Here’s one; just take the minerals out of you, sprinkle it on some potato chips and dare someone to eat you! I mean, that’s one way to go back to work; become part of someone else’s chemical process.
I’m not enthusiastic to discuss this still, very controversial subject, Youth in Asia must be fed of corpse… See how I just changed the subject there?
Youth in Asia
If you ever want to come make shoes for me, I am here for you!
Sincerely yours: Dr. Jack Kevorkian…
Just in-case (in-case?) you haven’t heard, Dr. Kevorkian died today at the tender age of 83. For more info: http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/k/jack_kevorkian/index.html
Other keen ways to show off The Family Tree
This is one of my best ideas yet. Decapitated relatives heads could be preserved be a Taxidermist and tied onto various branches of a tree in your solarium. It would certainly make for a great conversation piece!
There must be some way people can take us apart and cram the most impotent pieces in a beer bottle marked: “Budweiser.” How appropriate for display of the user friendly alcoholic of the family. Put him on the mantle piece. Then when you have a party, you have someone you can toast to, and say whatever you like, without any back-wash!
What about a shooting gallery? You can laugh as the bullet rips through Uncle Johnny’s guts! LOL!
Since we’re more related to chimpanzees than apes, we could always look for key real estate in a museum so you can be shown off with our ancestors, Crow Magnum, and The Brick.
Nibbles and Bits
Apparently, we will soon be able to scan the human brain for data, record it and insert your thoughts into a computer, so that you may evolve the way your computer thinks you should. Now see, that really bugs me; I’d still have to go to the store for cigarettes and lottery tickets… What if my relative secretly hated me with a passion? But then, I feel it’s going a long way, giving them permission to turn out the lights. What’s the next step? Will computer sentinels block us from our computers until we trim out toe-nails? Just exactly how would this bullying, manipulative, cantankerous bucket of bolts sit with me anyway? What if I pull the plug? Is that :Computer murder?
Cyborgs are us
This is even worse than the above section because now, your computerized relative can follow you around and bug you for eternity, or even longer! OK? Phone your Congressman cyborg, and have him put a stop to this immediately!
Then there’s cloud dispersal
“I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now; from in and out, and still somehow, its clouds illusions I recall. I really don’t know clouds, at all!” (Joan Biaz)
So, in departure
Don’t even argue with grubs! They may one day get a piece of you! For those interested in jumping out a window, make sure it’s not the basement one, it takes away all of the affect. At least use an elevator… And land with a sprinkling of pixy dust. and have a camera crew ready… They will not want to miss that poof! And this is the end of the line for me too folks; I could always suffocate, listening to Don Ho’s Greatest Ho Hits, until I fall under respiratory arrest, and have my lungs taken to jail :O(