The Top 10 Sexiest Things About Me…

  1. Well, for one thing, I have a great character.  Yeah that’s it!  I have a great character: just like that great movie star: ‘Tyrone Shoelaces’.
  2. And I know how to treat a lady!  At least once a year, I make damn sure we go Dutch at Mac. Donald’s!
  3. If I’ve had enough broccoli, I can manipulate my butt cheeks, and play: ‘God Save The Queen!’
  4. I can throw up on command!  It’s how I used to get off school…  It left me pail, and pasty looking, but I still found a ghoul friend!
  5. Pick up line # 256 : ‘Can you tell me how to get to Carnage Hall?’  When she answers: ‘Practice!’, make your move!
  6. Try to look as much like Antonio Banderas as possible!  Then sashay up to her and whisper something Spanish in her ear: ‘Tay-co- nosco, Mosco’  ( I know you, Mosquito! )
  7. After you shave every morning, splash your face with Spanish Fly.  Women will sniff you all day, and follow you wherever you go!  It’s like cat-nip to them!
  8. Put on your pink Pimp suit, go downtown and lean against a wall with your legs crossed.  When a pretty woman walks by, toss a quarter out into the middle of the sidewalk, like you didn’t even care!
  9. I  let the woman walk ahead of me.  It makes them feel tough!  It also makes for a great getaway for me…
  10. I give you my solemn oath as both a thief, and a liar, I will NOT use you, EVER!! Unless of corpse, you’re a cadaver, and I’m behind on my rent!

_MG_2106

Life as we know it

Inside of me, a hollow shell;

The place in which I live and dwell!

I wish I understood you well;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

A battered case of shattered glass;

The hurried pace of all who pass!

Sometimes in my face, one complete ass;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

A shameful, stupid, waste of time;

A million dreams long past their prime!

I can’t even care my life is a crime;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

People wave like ghosts a far;

Quite invisible to me as they are!

The loneliness of a cold, and distant star;

The rest of me is sexy!

 

If I were me, I’d have nothing to do with myself;

I’d pack up my uselessness, and stack it on some forgotten shelf!

I look like what’s left over from the disappearance of an elf;

The rest of me is sexy!

Accidents Will Happen…

_0006_airplane-crash

The odds of a plane smashing into a care a fairly remote yet, accidents will happen!

 

Chain Reactions

The real creepy part about accidents for me, is that they always seem to happen in three’s for me:  First, I lost my friends, then I lost my glasses, and then I lost my footing, which deserves a whole paragraph of its own.  Anyway, this particular set of events have been life changing for me, and if there’s one thing a depressoid doesn’t need, it’s menopause!  If I put my moody boots on, I shut down, so it’s very important for me to remain as I am: ‘A level 5.3 Earthquake…’  Or in my case: ‘Earth-quack.’

There’s a real spooky accident that happens to everyone every seven years.  The cells in our bodies have completed one entire cycle of death and rebirth, except for one crucial problem.  Whenever your body replicates its DNA code, it suffers a loss to be able to accurately do so, in much the same way jpg files tend to deteriorate when you recopy them over and over, until the code is so muddled the computer (your brain), can’t open the file (you), and you die.

As you know, I’m 63 now, and my code has successfully turned over for the ninth time ( 7 x 9 = 63), so mathematically anyway, I was bound to screw up in a way that I wouldn’t normally have!  This in turn gives birth to my next paragraph…  (postponed do to a temporary coma.)  Please keep in mind that the crucial element to this toxic mix, is my awareness of the environment around me, or rather, lack there-of…  Guess I failed to account for gravity :O(

 

The Human Projectile

 

_0006_human-cannonball

 

This accident happened to me the very day I decided to start running again, after three torturous weeks not running because I’m depressed and stuffing myself with: ‘Carmel crunch ice-cream yogurt’…  See, according to my calculations, because it said 97% fat free, I could easily eat fifty 2 liter tubs a day without getting fat.  Boy was I wrong!  It has a lot of sugar, and sugar you don’t burn off, turns into fat.  It’s not that I’m naive.  It’s that I stupidly convince myself everything will be OK or else Chapman’s Ice-cream would get sued for false advertising.  Little was i aware, people like this form of suicide!  OK!  I’m naive…  Did you know that naive spelled backwards is: ‘evian’?  Just a heads up for people who drink bottled water.  I’ve tested it, and yes, it is tap water!  I’m flying off topic here!

So here I was, a month ago, this porker, from 10,000 tubes of lying ice-cream yogurt, and I swear, if you undressed me, I’d look just like an uncooked turkey running down the street!  As I’m running, at full tilt, I see swarms of children in front of me that have just been let out of a movie theater at the top of the street.  Three boys straggled behind and just so happened to be hoarding the entire sidewalk.  So what do they know?  they’re kids!  Right?  Anyway, I just made one foot-step on the grass, to go around them, and suddenly, I was I human projectile!  I twirled through the air!  I twirled over their heads, and landed on the cement in front of them, right on my rib cage!  Fortunately for me, my momentum, and the fact that I was twirling rolled me onto my bulbous stomach, preventing me from breaking my ribs!  Also fortunate for me, was that it was on my left side, which is not the side that I sleep on.

My Doctor gave me nothing for the pain: just sent me home with a free sucker and told me I’d survive!  And I’m sure I suffered psychological brain damage!  (2 + 2 = 5).  See?  The next month saw only excruciating pain, mostly to breathe, so I stopped doing that for as long as I could…  I breathed shallow, couldn’t run, got more depressed and ate more yogurt ice-cream to feel better momentarily while sustaining a watermelon of a stomach at the same time: one, huge gas ball which gravely affected my ulcer!  I feel better after three consecutive days of running…  What did I trip on?  A rusted sewage pipe sticking up over the ground, camouflaged by over-grown grass.

Anyway, That’s the BS I’m presenting as to why I’ve been off-line for a month.  Oh!  I have one other piece of CRAP!  We had to step down on our internet payments, so now I must conserve time by composing my blogs on Live-Writer while unplugging my modem, and having to plug it back in and wait fro it to reboot when I want to find a picture or comment to a comment.  So please don’t think I don’t care, though I don’t, it’s just that I couldn’t see, couldn’t stop shaking (unless I’d like to vegetate and I don’t want to do that), couldn’t breathe and have less money because everything keeps going up in price!

Not to worry…  Other than the the bottle of saturated animal fat I was force fed yesterday, I’m back to my usual death by enjoying the pleasures of life, accident prone self.  Sorry for the inconvenience, and I’ll see you when it’s financially equitable for me.  Please send your donations to:  Total Loser, 999 Booby-hatch Drive, etc..  At least with my last three accidents, I had the human decency to fly off my 10 speed first!  Comments are welcome on why you think you’re a klutz…

Nut’s Aren’t Born

Two things about nuts:  One thing is, that it may be unwise to provoke one!  And the other, is that your right nut is connected to your heart.  So I guess the theory is, if I squeeze my right nut, I’ll remember a heart throb…  I do know my nose is connected to my butt cuz, whenever I go in the washroom to make a deposit, my nose runs!  Yes!  Nut’s aren’t born, they’re made!  Case in point:  The people at my Pharmacy failed kindergarten!  I call them up because they ‘again’ messed up my prescription which they failed to fix the last time they messed it up, right away demoting them to the status of : ‘Moron’. 

Then after my telling her she made the same mistake before, she tells me that’s not what the script says, which now demotes her to imbecile, because it was because she had failed to correct the prescription the last time.  So I call that: ‘Not doing your job’ which most people would fire you for.  But they ‘are’ the boss and unlikely to fire themselves.  They also have dominion over you because they produce Government capital and are there on the side of the law, right or wrong, and they can call The Police, there to serve and protect stupidity and ignorance wherever it may be found…

So now I must demote these Imbeciles to Simians because we called back after no results, only to find she had faxed my Doctor, who just happens to be about 20 feet away.  OK?  We now have to point out to her that I could turn into an earthquake and crumble into a million pieces, unless she squares this away now: again, incompetent at doing her job!  And now they’re trying the: ‘Ignore them and they’ll go away’ tactic, which unfortunately makes monkeys that much smarter!  I’ve never seen a Pharmacy so devoted to keeping you from getting your meds, though many come close! 

The haunting question I have for you is:  Do you really want a bunch of nut bars, maniacs, screwballs, murderers and mushroom factories sprouting up all over your neighborhood?  I mean, besides prisons, if you want a breeding ground for lunatics, you’re going about it the right way!  Now, I think I’ll go watch some porn…  Nut’s aren’t born, they’re manufactured.  If you want a sane world, you’d think you’d petition The Government to change its screwball ways…  I’d do it myself, but they’re part of The System too…  Maybe we need a new one?  Someone guide me to: ‘The New System’ Comity please!

 

_MG_2003