My Morning Prayer

Dearest Lard;


I sneak up on thee, in the name of our sovereign Father of all creation, Howard in Heaven;

It is with a collapsed lung, and a shriveled kidney that I love thee for thou art, science, and technology!

I ask of thee, only small free-bees…  Wait!  Let me get my list!

Grant me oh Lard, that I may see the terrible folly of everyone around me, especially my rotten better half!

Help her to get off my back, get up off her lazy ass, I’m sure you’re familiar with, and clean up my mess!

Teach her the alphabet, if they still have the soup on sale!

Help everyone on earth to follow my example as both a coward and a sneak!

Give me strength oh Lard, to hit the urinal, and raise my I.Q. by at least 15 points!

Direct me through traffic, and give me the road rage necessary to teach them all a lesson they’ll never forget!

Give me sex, a lot of money, and rulership over the Niagara peninsula!

Remove from me this stench that follows me, even after a shower!

Give me blindness to all the annoying questions people keep asking me.  I just want to be left alone!

Kill off all the insects you mistakingly made in the first place!

Give all my so called friends, pain, suffering and agony! 

Shoot all my enemies in the Temple!

OK…  That’s it for now.  I’ll pester you again whenever I feel like it…

I’m going to slither out of the room now…

In the name of your dearly beloved son, Dr. Kevorkian!


: Men!  Eh?



Once Upon a Tree

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Once upon a tree,

In a forest deep and green;

There stood a kind of free,

Like none I’ve ever seen!


Once I came along,

To give the thing a squeeze;

I saw this enormous shlong,

A waving in the breeze!


Once upon a me,

I wondered where I’d been;

Should I feel with glee,

Or better leave unseen?


Once I stood erect,

Or was it on my knees?

‘Twas then I’d recollect,

What really grows on trees!

I Must Be in Denial

I am constantly grappling with why I get 234 comments in: ‘Dinosaur Extracts’ Hobbies category, from people I’ve never met, and virtually nothing from people I comment to on my Reader?  In all fairness, I need you to tell me what the problem is with my writing so that I can correct it and bring you more relevant content.  This provides for a win win situation, complimentary to us all.  There are some things I have great difficulty with and need guidance for.  One of which is the sorry life I’ve lead that has frozen up my heart except to express rage. Denial is my only refuge…

I’ve seen nothing but people parading by me getting everything out of life, whereas I’ve only experienced adversity and heartache!  In real life, I attract people like a magnet attracts metal filings.  No!  I meant to say: ‘Like a flower attracts honey bees’ yet see, that sounds all too feminine to me, though that’s where the emotional statement resides!  My poems seem to be the only place where I can let go, and I avoid this by making too many funny ones and not enough serious ones! Crying is supposed to be good for me, yet I seem to never be able to.  

Then when I do cry, it comes out in buckets and I can’t stop, further driving me away from the inclination.  I can compute, access, anylize (stupid dictionary) with pin point accuracy.  Yet when it comes to me just saying how I love you and why, I just draw a blank, and that’s so painful for me!  If I get to your site and see your heart’s in trouble, I’m a mountain spring of suggestions to tackle the problem, but can’t feel it with you.  Sad huh?  That’s what I thought you’d say…  Having smarts is no more than robotic without feelings.  I know I feel that I need you badly, but can’t express that without telling you off for rejecting me.  Where is the answer? Beats me!  I must be in denial :O(