My foot-prints in a galaxy far far away

One small step for Man

And then he falls flat in the moon dust!  That was quite the leap for Mankind as far as 1969 was concerned.  What did they leave behind?  A flag and some foot prints.  An alien might only think we have unusual feet!  Couldn’t we have left something more important to play with?  Like a chemistry set?  A petrel station would have been nice.  They didn’t even build a sand castle :O( 

The problem is payload

We think much to big!  Think how far I could go, with just something big enough for me and my lunch?  Chemical rockets are fine for burning up dollars!  And, if we could even launch something big enough to carry that much fuel, I wouldn’t reach our nearest star system for about 400,000 years; I’d have to keep up on my vitamins if I hope to arrive there with time enough to set up my tent.

We now can use plasma; a much more efficient fuel for long distance space travel.  And guess what it’s made from?  ???  Time’s up.  Distilled water!  I give you my word as both a Con Artist and a Mentalist, it’s true!  What they do, is heat the molecules up to a million degrees, mix them with ions, and hocus pokus, you now have ‘Ion power!’

It moves you forwards very slowly at first, yet keeps picking up speed.  You’d pass Mars in 30 days, Neptune in 80 days!  You’d eventually reach 99.9 % the speed of light, and would only have to wait 2.3 million years…  No problem.  I would be frozen in suspended hibernation; only being thawed out, for milk and cookies… 

Finding Planet X

Of corpse I’d need some kind of homing beacon to find a suitable planet in Andromeda, to take off my shoes (Made from genuine Saskatchewan, seal, skin bindings), and my thermal socks, and leave my real footy prints on some giant sized Earth I’d have all to my self!  I’d name it Earth 2…  Heck, all I need, is a big jug of distilled water, a blast furnace and a seatbelt.  I’ve always wanted my own home planet!  Might find strange, new, Do Do’s there!

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 How would I concentrate my search?

Below, is a picture of Andromeda, and it’s two satellite galaxies, my destination.  Of corpse I would have to come back with a few Polaroids (Made in Arizona), to prove I was there…  I’ll bring you back a double sun set (Made in Photoshop).  Look.  All I need is a million dollars to finance the trip, and possibly pick up some donuts on the way.  There are over 30 million people on WordPress!  All I need is for one million of you to send me a dollar.  Just think.  You’d be investing in a real, live, guinea pig!

In our own galaxy, we are much further out on a spiral arm, making average distances between them of about 4 light years.  In Andromeda, I would head further in, where stars are only spaced about 1 light year apart.  Then I could take my pick!  Be reasonable…  I really feel like going on a trip…  You could be sure that my prints would be unmistakably human.  And, you’d be getting your money’s worth!  I’m a size 13!  They did the Moon thing all wrong!

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Wards-back

Hi Folks

As I’m sure you’ve gathered, ‘Words-back, is just Backwards Backwards.  Time, in my view, has no present or future; only the past repeated over and over again, each time improving it’s stature. There’s no present because it is transitory.  Time does not stand still to my knowledge.  And the future is yet to be, which is also transitory because that’s anyone’s guess.  Besides that, time is a concept.  You don’t suppose aliens wear watches do you?

We’re even backwards about Aliens!  We think they’re going to find our submicroscopic, rather plain, small, and insignificant star?  Meanwhile, us Hominids are the ones developing plasma for deep space travel, to find and colonize habitable planets.  Doesn’t that make US the aliens? See? Backwards!  Did you know that in Australia, the water circles do the drain backwards?  BUT IT LOOKS FORWARDS TO THEM!

Depression Sucks

Finding your way out of the darkness:

In my case, I have lapses in time called Dementia and then fall into a non-responsive state; that’s when I loose all motivation entirely and enter my own world.  It’s like I suddenly have to go out after a rain, and cut a worm in half to see if they go their own separate ways, or hang out together?

The good news is, the times that I am actually willing to be here with you, are longer. This is my pathetic attempt at trying to instill hope within you, that an actual person resides within me.  He’s just changed so much I’m afraid he’s gonna take my wallet!  And you can’t run away because: ‘Wherever you go, there you are!’

Things are changing my mood for the better

  • Large and Larger are leaving Thursday.  Good!  So now I can fix all the plumbing and buy a new air conditioner ‘The Tele-tubies’ burnt it out by running it day and night cuz their room with a window is too hot…  Then in the winter, her was too cold so him had to have the furnace on all the time, which blows right over man head where I sleep…  My head’s shrunk two sizes already.  I’ll soon be ready to shrink-wrap!
  • I got all of my teeth fixed and got my smile back (If I ever use it)…  Meanwhile, The Dentist and his demure assistant were arguing about whether the air conditioner was on or not.  I don’t know why one of them didn’t just check…  And I can’t say a word because I have a tube hooked on one side of my mouth for suction, and the Assistant was watering me with another tube, I had to big wads of cotton that protruded my upper lip to look more monkey like, and all I could do was grunt anyway…  Not that it mattered…
  • I’ve stepped up the intensity of my work-outs even more and increased my consumption of Omega 3, and it seams to have worked…  Now I can remember my name…  Uh,  just the first one.  It’s Spartacus.  Still, my friends look at me weird!
  • Spousal tolerance came from her own lips: ‘Never sweat the small stuff!’  However, a lot of small stuff can accumulate into one long, and continuous annoyance!  I still cope better though now.  Wanna know why?  It’s because, if one tries hard enough, they can convince themselves of anything; that, coupled with a lot of love and understanding has paved the way for me.  She’s in constant pain now, and won’t be long for this Earth, (She wants to be cremated!)  All I can do, is try to make her as comfortable as possible.

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Be careful what you wish for…

Town and Country

‘New York, New York.  So good they named it twice!’  Those tricky city people think us country folk don’t know that New York city is in New York state!  My Mummy never raised no Idgets!  It’s better to live in a swamp, foraging for frogs, than to be gnawing on a T-Bone, in the fanciest Palace in New York: ‘Radio City Music Hall!’ 

Us Canucks automatically assume New York to be be a cold, heartless, jungle; a place only fit for animals!  If that were true, all their zoos wood bee full of people!  True, there is Central Park, but that’s only one example!  LOL!  I’ve stayed in New York for three weeks, and I can tell you it’s one of the most breath taking places in the world!  And I do mean that literally.  It’s difficult to breathe!  All the Hotels are always full, so you must wander the streets…  There really ARE more cabs than people, though nobody will really talk to you; except for one lady.  I asked her how to get to Carnegie Hall, and she said: ‘Practice!’ :O(  They always try to make you drink coffee, and the song I heard played most there, was that great Elton John hit: ‘Don’t Let Your Son Go Down On Me!’  It’s not that their sky scrappers aren’t stunning, I just don’t like peoples altitude, that’s all.

Country living, on the other foot, is so warm and friendly, to the point of wanting to stay in a locked bathroom, because everybody also wants to know your business;  in fact, I have people here who never leave!  They are so friendly here, they want to all live with you, rent free for ever and ever….  I’m not saying it doesn’t have it’s advantages.  There’s plenty of fresh air, ma-newer scented but fresh, that’s for sure!  We have other kinds of blood suckers here, as well as the New York variety, though not all insects are bad.  LOL!

Up-lifting Orthotics

They make you feel like a Big Shot

I finally got my Orthotics!  Yeah!  Now I can run like the wind; I’m also very gaseous, for added jet propulsion…  I really love these very, expensive running shoes I bought from a guy, who, surprisingly enough, was also able to sell me The Brooklyn Bridge if I wanted it!  He has the actual Deed, signed by himself, and an actual, live, Witness!

The Orthotics make me about an inch taller, which really brought my self esteem up from ‘0’ to ‘1’…  And I love that my feet now raise very low from the ground when I run, decreasing concussion considerably, and that I can now leap like an Elk!  It’s just that when I run, people find it difficult watching TV.  Well  I don’t want to take them outside…  They’re new!  If they wanna fight about it, just let them try and catch me!

Of corpse, as it should turns out, everyone here now looks at me like you’d look at a horse, and asks me to do all their errands for them, just because I’m healthier then they are :O(  And of corpse, in return, I asserted my new found manly, prowess, and insisted they all make out separate lists so I don’t get mixed up…  It won’t be long before they tie me to a Rick-Shaw, so I can take them to go see: ‘Planet of The Grapes!’  All I can say is: ‘Be careful what you wish for!’

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Hello friends…

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Side effect can include a small nuclear reaction; in which case, your colon will be consumed by a mushroom cloud!  Because of the polarity of the medication, it has been known to attract small asteroids.  On rare occasions, when low tide occurs, people have been known to be sucked up to the moon; Caution: Do NOT walk your dog along the beach during low tide…  If dizziness occurs, you may collapse into a bubble and pop!  As a precaution, we’ve induced a bubble blowing kit, to reanimate you.

With three easy lifetime payments of just $162,ooo.95, you can experience the trip of a short lifetime!  Overdoses may include a really cool acid effect, or, we could just sell you some LSD instead.  We’re here to help 23 hrs. and 56 minutes a day!  Just call: ‘USE: ME-AGAIN’ and ask for Sally, and we’ll send a Pimp to your door right away!  So hurry, while enormous supplies last! 

Van Maanen’s Star

A different hypothesis

Though it be widely recognized today, that Jupiter sized planets that orbit close to its parent star would be too hot to support life,I give you Van Maanen’s Star!  This is a cute little guy.  Cute?  For all you intellectuals out there on pot, how about ‘intriguing’?  This star is only about the size of our Earth, having burned off it’s outer layers, and is now only a white dwarf some 3 billion years old…  Here’s the intriguing part.  Though stars loose their outer, gas layers, they still retain much of the density of the star before it blasted, or farted its gas away, depending on variations in density throughout the star when it poofed itself out; this in turn reflects its chemical make-up.  Although being less than 1% of our sun’s size, Van Maanen still weighs in at about 68% of our sun’s mass!

This means, it is still possible for a Jupiter sized planet to be brought in close, after the stars death throws have occurred.  This would give the star a chance to cool, allowing for a ‘goldilocks zone’, where life can flourish.  This is my own hypothesis, and in no way reflect what Astronomers might necessarily propose today.  I certainly believe, under these types of conditions, the possibility exists; though imagining a Jupiter sized planet orbiting this pin point of a star, is a bit of a stretch, nothing ‘out there’ surprises me any more!  There are magic mushrooms the size of Redwoods out there!

What else is of interest?

It’s not ‘what’ a person sees through his/her telescope, that fills them with such awe and mystery, so much as does the information behind what it is we’re looking at!  Alone, that this star is about the size of the Earth, gives us some excellent perspective on distance, size, and brightness!  It’s about 4.3 parsecs from us.  Do the math.  A parsec is about 3 light years.  So that comes out to 13.9 light years (one light year is about 6 trillion miles).  Yet this star is visible through an 8 inch lens, on a night with ‘clear’ seeing, having an absolute magnitude of 14.8, and a lesser apparent magnitude of 12.9, because of its extremely close proximity to us; absolute magnitude reflects it’s true brightness, where-as apparent magnitude shows us what a star would look like from Earth, if it were positioned precisely 32 light years away.  Also, there’s one unconfirmed sighting of a companion star, though nothing is visible within 1200 AUs (Astronomical units.  One unit equals 93 million miles, or the distance from The Earth to The Sun.

Read all about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Maanen%27s_star or information about any star using Wikipedia’s own search engine.  This charming neighbour in the scheme of things resembles just how our sun (Sol) will look 5 billion years from now…  Lets put on our star caps now, (really, just a cap with a lot of paint splatters on it) and celebrate big balls of gas, with a Bean Barito from Taco Bell :O)

General Relativity

Proof I’m a Twit!

How I resemble a pregnant goldfish…

    I go to The ‘Foot Doctor’ ( Toes ‘R’ Us ), and got fitted for Orthotics.  Waited forever for the results to come back from what must be a group of trained Scientists that asked me to walk up to the reception desk and back…  Finally, after six weeks, they are approved.  Then I go to the foot store, and buy only the very finest sneakers from Singapore!  First, I was asked to walk up to the cash register and back; it was determined I am flat footed, and that my right foot bends inward.  This is why my shoes absolutely had to come from Singapore!  Tricky Devils!  I know what they’re up to.  They’re trying to make a profit!  I’m on to them though, and next time I’ll ask them for something from Taiwan!

So to make a short story longer, I came home with my orthopaedic fitted clod hoppers (apparently, in Singapore, I’m a size 13!  Huh…  Tiny people equipped with shoes for Big Foot.  That’s odd), ran 60 feet up to the corner, got tired, came home, threw the shoes out, and watched TV.  I know what you’re all thinking: ‘So what did you watch?’  I like The Simpsons…  I think Homer is a genius!  Now you’re thinking: ‘Yup…  He’s a Twit alright!’

Canadian I.Q. Test

  • Without looking or using your fingers, how many toes are on your right foot?
  • Using only your mind, how long is an inch worm?
  • Think you’re smart eh?  Pi r squared, or round?

How to avoid work

Use the gag reflex

If anyone even mentions lifting more than 5 pounds, turn the other way, stick your finger down your throat, and puke on their rug!  In my case, I get tired as soon as I get up, and need a nap right away…  In fact, I consider just getting up, a major achievement!  Usually I don’t get up until the sun comes up…  In march…  I’m a tad late this year.  <YAWN!> 

There are lots of ways to get out of helping people.  My friend Marcus asked me to help him clean up his back-yard.  There’s a giant, cut up tree back there; briers, weeds, a car wreck, and tall grass!  Well wouldn’t you know?  It was then that I suddenly bent down to pick up a fly, and developed sever back pain!  I crumpled to the floor like a wrecked paper aeroplane!  There, breathless, with just moments to live (seemingly), I pulled Marcus close to me, and whispered: ‘Get your Mom to help you.’  It’s OK.  She’s only 78, and is still spry enough to lift a twig or two…  What if I should permanently damage my guitar playing finger? (Using all four is too strenuous…)

I used to call in to work complaining of a headache, with heavy rock music playing in the back-ground.  They already knew, I never work longer than an hour without asking The Boss for a few weeks off…  I figure, I may as well get that in early, so he knows I mean business!  Even as I struggle to find the words, I’d like to go float in a donut with a large Mai Tai!

Lost in space

Even feeding myself is exhausting…

I swear (Gosh darn!), if it wasn’t for take out, I’d starve to death; all that prep work getting The TV Dinner in and out of The Microwave!  And that adhesive plastic, locking in your desert forever!  How do you even manage?  I never get out of bed, unless there’s a fire, and even then, it’s only to turn on my fan…  No.  What I recommend, is just walking around aimlessly, and doing nothing.  Well, my typing finger is getting soar now…  I’d take a typing class, but why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

And after all these years of trying to make my brain have a thought, I’ve finally come to a contusion as to what it is that makes me so tired all the time…  Gravity!

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Mary Jane

What would a ‘Pot-Head’ world be like?

    Well, we already know because everyone’s on Social Assistance.  Contrary to popular belief, you can’t all just smoke a joint, and sit around in a circle, waiting for something stupid to happen.  You must go in search of your own stupidity!  If your quest is for a quick giggle while stoned, looking in the mirror sometimes will do the trick;  it’s like trying to deny you’re really looking at a picture of: ‘Goofy!’  That’s right, your I.Q drops to 0.1…  You can understand and comprehend things while stoned on pot, you’re just not willing to do very much about them at the time. 

So I thought it might be a good idea to invent some kind of Pot-Head board game to keep you amused: ‘Trivial Per Toot!’  The object of the game to smoke enough hemp to bring The Fire Department, and then answer daffy questions, perform stupid tricks.  You need only make the game 10 minutes long because everyone will think it was longer.  By then, everyone will have become dribbling idiots anyway.  And the last card on the deck should always say: ‘Order a large Pizza!’

You could establish your own church!

‘Our Lady of the Dibbling Idiots!’  Our center of worship would of corpse be food!  Shouldn’t it be mandatory that every drug induced coma include at least a dozen donuts anyway?  We could take over the Catholic church up the road from me: ‘Our lady of Filthy and Disgusting Internet Porn.’  We could romp and play in the woods, and throw flowers around, finally wandering about aimlessly, with nothing to do…

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Does God approve of our smoking a carcinogenic weed?

Does He approve of our smoking cigarettes?  And why aren’t there laws against that if it can be just as harmful to you?  Weed, or: ‘Cannabis eat’m Up-a-Puss’, as it’s known to the indigenous, jungle people of Scarborough Ontario, is not harmful when consumed in small quantities, requiring the usual steam shovels and bull dozers, so you can stock up for the winter.  Yeah!  That’s it!  Stock up for the winter 

Does it have any redeeming qualities?  Yes…  Most people smoke about 4 pounds per day for medical porpoises.  I think, like most drugs, it’s often abused; in some cases, people forgetting their own names, and eating the leaves from trees! Plus, laughing and side splitting belly aches can lead to terrible things like nourishment, a better mood, and not to forget, a good dump!

Should it be legalized?

No…  It should be decriminalized!   If it’s legalized, and I think it is now in Colorado, The Government will sell it to you for a lot more than you get it for now.   They want 36% tax!  Considering more testing need be done, several monkeys were given a few marijuana cigarettes under controlled conditions…  Currently, they’ve been spotted in Manhattan, making deals, and pigging out on banana splits!